There are two things we really like about Christmas: rubbish films and presents. And if you're struggling with gifts for friends and family, perhaps you can take a bit of inspiration from the movies, right? Hmmm. Maybe.
The thing about movie gifts is that no one ever gives a so-so present. It's too often used as a device to propel the narrative forward and so boxes under the tree tend to be either really, really great or really, really terrible.
Whether they're manipulative snubs or declarations of affection, we've rounded up the best and worst Christmas presents given on film.
BEST
Turtle doves in Home Alone 2: Lost In New York (1992)
You'd think that the last thing Pigeon Lady would want for Christmas is a little plastic bird, considering she's covered head to toe in the real thing, but she seems pretty thrilled by Kevin's gesture so we'll bank this one as a top gift.
WORST
Joni Mitchell CD in Love Actually (2003)
Hey, I have no problem with the sweet strains of folk singer Joni Mitchell (although if my husband of 20 years ever bought me a CD for Christmas, he'd be spending the night of the 25th in the spare room); the real issue here is that Emma Thompson thought she was receiving a diamond necklace but it turns out her no-good hubby (miss you, Alan Rickman) has actually gifted it to the office floozie.
BEST
Louis Vuitton handbag in Sex and the City: The Movie (2008)
Carrie is shocked to discover that her cash-strapped assistant Louise rents her Louis Vuitton handbag so, come Christmas, presents her with the real thing. Sadly for Louise, I'm not sure how much of a lifespan there is in a "patchwork denim bowly Louis Vuitton bag". Couldn't she have bought her a Chanel 2.55?
WORST
Mogwai in Gremlins (1984)
Oh Billy, you WISH that noise coming from the box was a puppy. Mogwai might look as cute as a 2016 Facebook meme but he is here to fuck shit up. I blame the Dad. Who buys a pet from "a drugstore in Chinatown" anyway? Seriously, Billy, don't shake the box.
BEST
Turbo-Man action figure in Jingle All The Way (1996)
Under the spell of corporate America and the commercialisation of Christmas, all young Jamie wants under the tree is the Turbo-Man action figure. And having neglected his family all year, dad Arnold Schwarzenegger will stop at nothing to get it for him. Apparently this was inspired by the real-life rush for Cabbage Patch Kids and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers in the early '90s, during which over-zealous parents would injure themselves in face-offs against other shoppers. Hey, Dad, where was my goddam Cabbage Patch Kid?
WORST
Bath towels in Scrooged (1988)
Despite the age-old saying, "You can never have too many bath towels" (OK, no one says that), Bill Murray's TV exec's impersonal gift of fluffy cloth is supposed to represent his total disconnect from the spirit of giving. One question though: if you're not supposed to give your brother bath towels for Christmas then what the hell are you supposed to get him?
BEST
Air rifle in A Christmas Story (1983)
It's hard to imagine a Christmas film being made in 2016 in which the audience is genuinely touched when the little boy finally receives the gift of his dreams: a gun. But, then, a lot has happened in 30-odd years. No doubt the NRA are big fans of this one.
WORST
Membership to the Jelly of the Month Club in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)
It's Christmas Eve and Chevy Chase is banking on receiving a big bonus from work to cover the advance payment on the swimming pool he's promised his family. Instead, the courier shows up with a membership to the Jelly of the Month Club, which actually sounds pretty good to me. Who needs a pool in Chicago anyway?
BEST
Dream house in Miracle on 34th Street (1947)
I'm torn about this one because, yes, a man who may or may not be the real Santa has presented young Susan with her dream home, but the fact that it says "For Sale" and not "Sold" outside the front suggests that the family are still going to have to cough up for this one. Santa is basically a Foxtons estate agent here.
WORST
Wooden pickle in Bad Santa (2003)
Let's face it, a wooden pickle is pretty much the wooden spoon of gifts. Of course, Thurman Merman makes it worse still by accidentally covering it in his own blood. That is one crappy present. Even my work secret Santa gift this year was better than that.
BEST
Invisibility cloak in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (2001)
IMO Harry's use of the invisibility cloak he receives on Christmas Day is a bit of a let-down. There's no robbing of stores or pretending to haunt someone. He just mopes around Hogwarts. Bor-ing.
WORST
Lingerie in Elf (2003)
Buddy the elf gets a little confused when he sees a sign for sexy lingerie advertised as a gift for "that special someone" so buys the long-lost father he's trying to please a lace onesie. I know we're supposed to be all like, 'Hey, Dad, stop being such a dick to poor, sweet Buddy' but, really, if a 30-year-old man dressed as an elf turned up out of nowhere claiming to be your long-lost son, then gave you women's underwear, you'd be a bit freaked out too, right?
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