Who’d be the Queen? The people, the noise, the endless unveiling of small brass plaques; it would try the patience of a clam. Or else drive you to drink – how many mayors of Grimsby is it possible to meet in a lifetime and not want to defenestrate yourself or drink neat gin out of a bottle? Boredom, not republicanism, is the real enemy of the monarchy.
So it came as precisely no surprise when Vanity Fair last week revealed that the Queen is no flincher at the glass. She knocks it back. When she is at home, the 91-year-old monarch manages to put away two cocktails and a glass of wine before 1pm and then rounds off a day of queening with a glass of champagne before bed.
And why not? No one could ever begrudge her the odd glass. She has 16 countries and 128 million people to think of. Most of us can barely recall our mum’s birthday. But it does beg a question: Is the Queen pissed all the time? Can you drink that much booze and not feel a little squiffy? In the interest of science and/or national security, I decided to drink like the Queen for the day and see what happened.
The first problem I encountered in this matter was that the Queen’s first drink of the day, according to former royal chef, Darren McGrady, is a cocktail made of one part gin and two parts Dubonnet.
Now, unless you are, say, the Duchess of Argyll or a royal footman, you have probably never come across Dubonnet, an aromatised wine-based aperitif, which is likely because it is not very nice. It is largely thought that the only reason the drink is still in production is because the Queen likes it (though it doesn’t have a royal warrant; presumably because it is French) and, sure enough, you can’t even get it at Waitrose at the Westfield Centre. After ordering the fortified wine off the internet, I mix it with my gin, add the lemon and drink it with “lots of ice”. It is fragrant, it is strong, it is what I imagine drinking Estée Lauder is like. At this point I start to feel the unmistakable pleasure of mild drunkenness. I wouldn’t, say, go and climb up some scaffolding, but I am on my way.
Next up, along with her lunch, Her Majesty enjoys a gin martini. Apparently she follows the Noël Coward rule when it comes to making the king of cocktails. A perfect martini, said Coward, should be made by filling a glass with gin, and then waving it in the general direction of a bottle of vermouth. So lots of gin and just a tiny bit of vermouth goes into a shaker. It went down like the devil in leather trousers, as you would expect for something composed of pure alcohol. I feel free of life’s concerns. I am happy. It is 12.32pm.
After lunch, the Queen, oddly, has a glass of wine and a small square of chocolate. This seems somewhat ascetic to me but each to their own. It is unclear which type she favours but I plump for a Syrah-Grenache blend with a picture of a sausage dog on the label and the name Longue-Dog. It would have taken all my moral resources to have only one glass so I drink three. I feel confused, amused and ready for action. I do not feel I could entertain a prime minister.
And so we reach the hardest part, the unending stretch of desert between the last drink with lunch and the pre-bed sharpener. Tiredness comes on like a lecher. I feel useless, wan, incapable of concentration. I have a hangover by 3pm. But then salvation – before bed, a glass of Veuve Clicquot. The delicate bubbles make me pleased. My hangover goes on its way. I drift off into sleep.
I have drunk more in my life than this before, and I have drunk for longer... but seldom at lunch. Apparently when the late Queen Mother was having lunch with her daughter and the Queen asked for her meal-ending glass of wine, the Queen Mum lifted her head, smiled and said, “Is that wise? You know you have to reign all afternoon.” Reader, that afternoon, I couldn’t have rained on a parade.
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Welcome to the Refinery29 Book Club! Each month five members of the team will read a book that has everyone talking, before sharing our thoughts and feelings with you. Join in the conversation or recommend a book for next month in the comments below.
Roxane Gay often writes about the personal and the political, but this memoir has been lauded as her most feminist yet. The writer, professor, editor and commentator is loved for her blisteringly honest words, and Hunger delves even deeper into the complicated, excruciating aspects of one's mind. A memoir that reads like a stream of consciousness, Gay looks at how her body came to be the size, weight and shape it is now. She maps her body out in two halves – before and after her rape – but her relationship with food, her family, and her public and private selves are not so simple.
Before most people had had a chance to read Gay's new memoir, the controversy had begun. Ahead of speaking on an Australian news website's podcast, Gay had made some particular requests, which interviewer and Mamamia founder Mia Freedman saw fit to publish on iTunes. A breach of confidence, the whole incident made clear just how unsure people are of discussing others' fatness. Gay's very existence proves this – how people who love her, people who want to hurt her, people who don't know her, judge, treat, and act towards a body that is unfamiliar to them.
A harrowing but vital read, click through to see what R29 staff thought about Roxane Gay's Hunger.
Georgia Murray, Fashion & Beauty Writer
What were your initial thoughts? I found it really hard to read at first. She writes in short staccato sentences, repeats a lot of phrases, and each chapter jumps about the timeline, so I found it quite unenjoyable to begin with.
And final thoughts? It felt like an internal monologue, which at times felt frustrating and at times felt like a privilege. I'm really glad I read Hunger, as it's not often you get such a searing and brutally honest insight into someone's mind.
Was it an enjoyable read? For the first 100 pages, no, but the subject matter and how much Gay has been through drew me in further. She's lived such an interesting life, from the odd jobs she kept and odd people she met during her Lost Year, to the way she comes across as so defiant and independent, even in her lowest periods.
What did you learn? How integral it is that we treat everyone with kindness, and to transcend your initial judgements – no matter how subconscious – because you have no idea what someone's life has been like.
What was your favourite part? I don't think I have one. While I identified with some parts, and knew the importance of her speaking out on others, on the whole I didn't get any pleasure reading it – I just wanted to reassure and comfort her. Saying that, words like 'enjoyable' and 'favourite' don't seem appropriate for such an intense and personal book.
And least favourite part? In the first section of the book, she makes clear that there are only two timeframes for her body: before and after her rape. The description of the event itself is tragic, but the pages leading up to it I found more unbearable. She talks about her reasons for, until now, writing around not about her rape: she didn't want to hurt her family, to be seen as fragile, for lovers to see her in the shadow of one single event, or for anyone to think her experience was unique (when, infuriatingly, it is all too common). Knowing that all of these reasons are what stop so many women reporting or talking about rape and sexual assault just made Gay's writing sting more.
Where should we read this? At home, alone, sat on your sofa with a large glass of red.
Who would you pass this on to? Any of my friends – it's so important to hear the first-hand experience of someone who navigates the world differently to you.
Will you be reading Gay's other works now? I'd already devoured Bad Feminist and while I don't love the way she writes, what she writes about keeps me coming back.
Jess Commons, Health & Living Editor
What were your initial thoughts? "This is very easy to read. I could read this all in one afternoon."
And final thoughts? "I am sinking under this comprehension of how messed-up this world we live in is."
Was it an enjoyable read? I felt acutely exposed to Roxane's thinking. It was uncomfortable, but not unenjoyable. I read along at a fast pace and didn't want to put it down, but each sentence lingered, weighing heavily. It's the kind of book you can finish and sit there, staring into space and contemplating solemnly for a long time.
What did you learn? Obviously this is nothing new but I was horrified by her personal descriptions of how people deem fat women's bodies to be public space – something to comment on, to get annoyed with, to debate. How dare we act that way about anyone? It's unacceptable.
What was your favourite part? When Roxane takes media-promoted thinness to task. She is honest in a way I think many body positivity bloggers are too scared to be. "Every time I watch a yoghurt commercial I think, my God, I want to be that happy. I really do," she says. And of course she does, everyone does. Adverts have successfully got us to equate thinness with success, with happiness, with sunny beaches and lots of money. None of us is immune. "It is a powerful lie to equate thinness with self-worth," she says. "Clearly, this lie is damn convincing because the weight loss industry thrives. Women continue to try to bend themselves to societal will. Women continue to hunger. And so do I."
With adverts leaking into our social media, influencers becoming part of our daily rhetoric, this is more important to remember than ever.
And least favourite part? I hesitate to say "least favourite part" because that's a really fucked-up way to describe it but the hardest bit to read is about Roxane's sexual assault. It's brutal. But, like everything else she writes, it's for a purpose. A chapter needed to give context and understanding to the rest of the book.
Where should we read this? Exactly where I read most of it; lying outside in your back garden on a summer evening. Somewhere quiet, still and where you're not likely to be disturbed.
Who would you pass this on to? I think everyone should read it. From the trolls who lambast fat women for daring to wear swimsuits in public, to women who exist daily unable to stop their bodies from being used for political reasons, to kids still forming opinions about who sits where in society. It's complex. It will prevent people from seeing women's bodies as one-dimensional. It will remind you that you do not know other people's journeys. If you have subconscious prejudices against certain communities it may be down to society, but it's up to you to rid yourself of them. And you should start working on that, stat.
Will you be reading Gay's other works now? Yes. I've had Bad Feminist on my shelf for a year now, like the bad feminist I am. I will be picking it up asap.
Natalie Gil, News Writer
What were your initial thoughts? I'm a sucker for memoir and found Hunger easy to get stuck into. Gay emphasises early on how painful the book was for her to write, describing it as “the most difficult writing experience of [her] life, one far more challenging than I could have ever imagined,” which makes you feel like a privileged, trusted confidant and begs you to continue listening to her confession. The short length of many of the chapters also encourages you to keep going as you feel like you’ve read more than you actually have, so you don’t get deflated. A psychological trick that I can always get behind.
And final thoughts? I knew people’s bodies are often manifestations of their internal pain and suffering, having known people with eating disorders such as anorexia and read a lot about them, but Gay’s disclosure that her fatness began as a response to rape opened my eyes to a whole other dimension of experience.
Was it an enjoyable read? Not really. I’d probably go as far as to say it was one of the least enjoyable books I’ve read and I never really looked forward to picking it up. The structure is hard to follow at times, too, but I’m not sure Gay owes it to readers to turn her life into an easily digestible narrative. I’m glad I read it.
What did you learn? The importance of empathy and compassion. As a forward-thinking progressive, I like to think I had this already, but the book reiterated to me the importance of kindness and suspending judgment until you know all the facts about someone else’s life. It sounds obvious, but we never really know what someone else is going through until we walk a mile in their shoes. With the global resurgence of far-right populism and a notoriously heartless Tory government, this should constantly be at the forefront of our minds.
What was your favourite part? I was particularly intrigued by Gay’s analysis of the “weight-loss industrial complex”, Western culture's obsession with weight loss and the absurd, cruel messages that industry heavyweights – the likes of Weight Watchers and co – peddle to consumers. “We’re supposed to restrict our eating while indulging in the fantasy that we can, indeed, indulge. It’s infuriating,” she writes. “When you’re trying to lose weight, you cannot have everything you want. That is, in fact, the whole point.” It made me even angrier at the heartless corporations who exploit people’s insecurities for their own gain (see: plastic surgeons, the weight-loss tea industry, I could go on).
And least favourite part? Reading about sexual violence is always difficult and when you learn about its potential long-term consequences it’s particularly heartbreaking. However, the sadness, anger and discomfort I felt just goes to show how important it is that survivors share their stories.
Another part I was uncomfortable with, but for different reasons, was Gay’s chapter about anorexia and people who restrict their eating. She describes the illness as enviable because of the “self control” it requires. I was disappointed by the surface-level description of these deadly mental illnesses.
Where should we read this? It’s easy to read during a commute, thanks to the short chapters and, at times, disjointed structure. You can simply pick up where you left off and don’t need to re-familiarise yourself with the narrative. I definitely wouldn’t recommend it as a beach read or to anyone in need of cheering up, mind.
Who would you pass this on to? Someone with little knowledge of the extent of fat-shaming and fatphobia in our society, who is open to broadening their horizons.
Will you be reading Gay's other works now? Yes, definitely. If anything, I’m now more intrigued to read her other books, particularly Difficult Women and Bad Feminist, because I’m invested in her story and journey and would like to see how her style differs when she’s not writing memoir.
Sadhbh O'Sullivan, Social Media Assistant
What were your initial thoughts? It was sharp and painful and clever and engrossing in ways that non-fiction often struggles to be, and took topics – like feminism – that have been overwrought and/or oversimplified in modern writing. Having read about her fatness in the past I was very excited to read her exploration of what is an exceptionally difficult topic. Fat people and their bodies are hated and demonised, and it’s so important to come to a point where people’s appearance isn’t used as a moral judgement; 'health' (as though this is something you can see from looking at someone) is weaponised to diminish fat people’s humanity but it is also something that the individual has to tackle, too. We’re obsessed with fatness, weight and the journey itself: to acceptance, to weight loss, to some kind of change. Writing about fatness in that sense is, I can only imagine, exceptionally hard, as you not only know these complicated experiences, you live them. I’d been anticipating this book for a long time.
And final thoughts? I read this very quickly. It felt like looking into an opening in someone’s chest; it was so intimate and clearly painful to write. It felt valuable. It was also quite sprawling – the narrative cut in and out of life, and explored the world we live in. It was hard to understand the structure, I think because it is hard to structure a life in this way. Gay writes about her body before her trauma and after, and that acts as a pivot in how she sees, and how she fed, her body. Where stories about our bodies have become quite trite and tired, the conclusion felt earned because it wasn’t a full stop.
Was it an enjoyable read? Yes.
What did you learn? I'm not sure.
What was your favourite part? I think the asides that analysed the language we use: "The term 'morbid obesity' frames fat people like we are the walking dead, and the medical establishment treats us accordingly." Or when she makes the distinction between being broke and poor: "Being broke is nothing like poverty." I really enjoy her writing style because it takes these sidesteps that illuminate the text and the reader.
And least favourite part? Sexual violence is a very difficult thing to read. It is painful and shocking and violent. When I say it was my least favourite part, I mean that it hurt to read. I hurt reading it. But it is integral and we can’t dismiss or remove things because they hurt. This is exactly the crux of Hunger.
Where should we read this? This is a serious and engrossing book. I think it’s a good one for the commute. You won’t lose your place, and when you start reading again you immediately get picked up and swept along by the narrative.
Who would you pass this on to? My friend who recently wrote something similar to this, though much shorter. The experience is not a universal one and I think this will only illuminate the brilliant thoughts they already have.
Will you be reading Gay's other works now? I already have.
Natasha Slee, Social Media Manager
What were your initial thoughts? I prefer books about real-life human experience, historically or in present day, and often struggle to connect to fictional worlds. So I was pleased when Hunger landed on my desk. The first few passages felt like a fervent stream of consciousness; the kind of notes I make when I am very distressed or anxious and trying to get every thought onto paper so I can compute the whole. For that reason I felt immediately emotionally committed.
And final thoughts? There are heartbreaking lows in Hunger, and passages which seethe with white hot anger, so it was a relief to read that Gay had found a path to acceptance, healing and truth – even if that process is not yet complete.
Was it an enjoyable read? I enjoyed it in as much as I felt very privileged to be presented such intimate details about Gay's life and body, when I do not know her personally. Gay tells us things many of us would not have the words to express to our closest friends.
What did you learn? To consciously check my privilege and bias every moment of every day. And that we all have a responsibility to create a world of care and love.
What was your favourite part? So much of Gay's experience feels familiar, even if the catalyst does not. She proves the importance of empathy. Just because someone does not look like you on the outside, doesn't mean they do not feel like you on the inside. We all move through the same world after all.
And least favourite part? I found the passages about Gay's family particularly heartbreaking. Despite the love, the lifelong family struggle with her 'weight problem' felt exhausting.
Where should we read this? I read the majority on my commute. The brief passages are digestible in snatched minutes, but also it felt fitting to be surrounded by every kind of human and human experience while I read it.
Who would you pass this on to? My most emotionally intelligent and empathetic friends.
Will you be reading Gay's other works now? Yes, absolutely, having not read any other work by Gay. I think it will be Bad Feminist next.
Have you read Hunger? Let us know your thoughts below! And keep an eye out for September's Book Club, on Fiona Mozley's Elmet.
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Sound the beauty klaxon: Dr.Jart+ has landed at Selfridges, meaning fans can get their hands on even more experimental products from the skincare brand. What's so exciting about this drop? For the first time, Dr.Jart+ Rubber Masks are available to buy in the UK; satisfying news for those with an ever-growing collection of weird and wonderful skin saviours.
Thanks to the influx of playful Korean beauty, we've tried the bubble mask, the sheet mask, the snail mask and the slice mask – and now we're planning an evening in with a mask that brings to mind one Hannibal Lecter. Sure, the packet makes it look like a terrifying sleeping baby but we assure you, the two-step system works. A highly concentrated serum containing berry complex, firming salicylic acid, and moisturising red seaweed is applied to the skin before the squidgy rubber mask is placed on top to prevent the ingredients from evaporating. The mask comes in three colours with different purposes: moisturising, brightening, and firming. They're really fun to use, but don't be fooled by their playful appearance – Dr.Jart+ works closely with 15 dermatologists across 15 different clinics, each at the forefront of skincare innovation, bringing you the best in ingredients and formulas.
What else can we expect from the brand's latest drop? The brand "believes in the true spirit of science", so it comes as no surprise that its new Ceramidin line is already receiving acclaim for its patented technology. Made up of a cream, a liquid, an oil balm, and a gel cream, it's targeted at skin that feels dry even after a moisture hit. Encapsulating ceramide (a natural skin barrier), it penetrates the skin to efficiently restore the skin's natural defences. Think moisture retention, hydration, and rejuvenated skin, without nasties like parabens or mineral oil.
“Dr. Jart is an intelligent brand for consumers seeking smart skin solutions that will also appeal to their creative sides," says Selfridges' Beauty Workshop buyer, Emily Saunders, "with a range that’s as exciting visually and conceptually as it is results-driven.” We couldn't agree more. Just make sure you're home alone when trying those masks, ok?
Welp, Judd Apatow is not a feminist. In an interview with Vulture, the producer-writer-cum-standup comedian said that he doesn't give himself that title.
"Do you think of yourself as feminist?" interviewer David Marchese prompts. "I don't, at least not in those terms. I just try to do what's right whenever I see the opportunity," Apatow answered. He went on to discuss the film Bridesmaids, which many consider to be iconoclastic in the women comedy canon.
"With Bridesmaids, I never thought, 'It'd be great if there was a movie that starred a lot of women, and maybe that will help open some doors.'"
He added, "It's great if that ends up happening, but that sort of thinking is never the starting point."
Apatow seems to have a muddied definition of feminism — these quotes indicate that he sees the word as a sort of mission statement. If he drinks the feminism Kool-Aid, then his work will be dictated by politics rather than artistic impetus. (God forbid art be politically motivated.) He made Bridesmaids because it was a cool movie; the cultural repercussions are just fun little side effects.
And there's the trouble. To the women of the world, Bridesmaids was inherently political. Period. If you are a woman or a minority making movies, just about everything is a Boundary Breaking Big Thing. (Look no further than all the press surrounding Patti Jenkins, the director of Wonder Woman, for proof of this.) As Apatow is neither of those, he is Not Breaking Boundaries. He's just doing his thing, and he doesn't feel the need to declare partisanship. If a woman made Bridesmaids, she would probably admit that promoting women in comedy was part of the mission of the film.
Apatow is also certainly a feminist on paper, which is why his statement is puzzling. Feminism is simple. A feminist is a person who believes in equal rights — wouldn't Apatow, who is by all means a progressive figure, agree with those ideals?
In the same interview, Apatow claimed that his wife Leslie Mann taught him about the Bechdel test.
"People talk about the Bechdel test. Leslie has been giving me that test for decades," he said. As per Vulture, all of Apatow's films pass the test, save for Funny People, a 2009 film starring Adam Sandler. (His television work, such as Love and HBO's Crashing, wasn't evaluated.)
That seems to conflict with his earlier rebuke of feminism. So, you've been making sure your films meet feminist criteria, but you're not a feminist? That doesn't align.
Of course, Apatow is no political saint. It's likely his television endeavours don't pass the Bechdel test. He tweeted support of HBO's problematic show in development Confederate. (The singer John Legend responded to Apatow's tweet, gently disagreeing with Apatow's support.) Most saw Katherine Heigl's comments about the sexism in Knocked Up as the sign of a sour actress; others, including myself, think that maybe Heigl had a point. Then, there's the fact that his work — women-filled or otherwise — is overwhelming white. Paste Magazine gave a thorough run-down of the whiteness of the Apatow canon in 2016, and the numbers aren't good. (Nor is his reaction to criticism about it: When asked about the lack of diversity in Girls, Apatow shrugged it off, saying, "The show will be on for a long time, so there's plenty of time to have every type of person on the show.")
Apatow seems averse to declaring missions with his work. If feminist stuff happens, so be it. If his shows happen to be inclusive, cool. But you know what makes making good, inclusive art a little bit easier? Making it your mission to do so.
Representation for Apatow did not immediately respond to a request for comment.
Rihanna's latest Instagram posts have celebrity and non-celebrity fans alike singing her praises. The singer posted photos of herself with turquoise hair in a jewelled, feathered costume for a carnival in Barbados — and yes, she's totally rocking the look. But it looks like Chris Brown may have commented on one of Rihanna's photos — and fans aren't having it.
Rihanna 's post now has almost 67,000 comments, so it would take a lot of time and scrolling to verify whether Brown's comment is on the photo. But there are plenty of responses from fans tagging Chris Brown's handle and telling him off. (Still, other fans said it was just a comment and that we should let Brown and Rihanna handle their own business.)
More recent high-profile comments, including Lorde's "I'm DEAD" and Elle magazine's three fire emoji, are still visible. Nick Jonas also left fire emojis, and Pharrell posted an Instagram live video of himself saying "Damn" because of Rihanna's photo. Clearly, Rihanna has plenty of celeb fans.
Regardless of the controversy, though, Rihanna definitely slayed her carnival look. The photo has more than three million likes.
Rihanna also shared an illustration of her costume and new hair colour on Instagram Tuesday morning, and the post brought in more than 164,000 likes and 1,476 comments within a half hour of being posted. Don't expect Rihanna to address Brown's Instagram comment — she's too busy being her fabulous self.
A Chinese restaurant has provoked outrage after it offered discounts to women based on their bra size. Locals complained about the sexist advert for the restaurant Trendy Shrimp, which showed a line-up of cartoon women with various bra sizes in their underwear.
The restaurant, located in a mall in Hangzhou in eastern China, accompanied the crude poster with the slogan "The whole city is looking for BREASTS", and made clear that women with bigger breasts would be eligible for a better discount, BBC News reported. Women with A-cup sized bras would qualify for 5% off, while those with G-cup bras would get a 65% price cut.
Chinese restaurant offers bra-size discountshttps://t.co/dJ2ij5hhlg Cup size discounts at a Chinese restaurant?? What the hell?!?
Residents complained to the council about the poster, which went up on 1st August and has since been removed, reported local paper the Qianjiang Evening Post. They quite rightly described it as "vulgar advertising" and "discriminatory towards women".
Despite having removed the advert, the restaurant's general manager Lan Shenggang failed to apologise and defended the eatery's offensive offer, insisting that it was well received by customers. He said "customer numbers rose by about 20%" once the deal started, adding that "some of the girls we met were very proud – they had nothing to hide," reported the BBC.
A café in Australia also caused controversy earlier this week for introducing a voluntary 18% "gender pay gap" tax on its male customers. Handsome Her, in Melbourne, sought to raise awareness of wage inequality but not everyone was on board.
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The movie industry thinks it's come a long way in terms of feminism, but every once in a while, there's a stark reminder that there's still so much progress to be made. Unfortunately, Chloe Grace Moretz had to experience it first hand.
Moretz has been in the acting business since she was a child. By the time she was fifteen, she was landing major roles in movies like Kickass and Carrie. So, it makes sense that she's gone through more than her share of sexism.
While shooting an undisclosed film, Moretz' co-star and on-screen love interest expressed his unnecessary opinion about her size.
“This guy that was my love interest was like, ‘I’d never date you in a real life,’ and I was like, ‘What?’ And he was like, ‘Yeah, you’re too big for me’ — as in my size,” she recalled in a cover story for Vanity Fair. "It was one of the only actors that ever made me cry on set."
Choosing the high road, Moretz refused to reveal who the actor was. Only mentioning that he was “23, 24 or 25” and she was 15 years old at the time.
“I had to pick it up and go back on set and pretend he was a love interest, and it was really hard," she continued. "It just makes you realise that there are some really bad people out there and for some reason, he felt the need to say that to me. You have to kind of forgive and not forget really, but it was just like wow. It was jarring. I look back on it and I was 15, which is really, really dark."
It's not just co-stars she had to watch out for. Moretz brought up a time when she was overlooked for a part because of the way she looked.
“Because I’m blond and there’s another blond in the movie, you can’t cast me?’” she said. “That’s such a masculine way of looking at things.”
Instead of deciding someone's worth based on their outward appearance, everyone should take a step back and focus on what really matters.
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Even if you consider your relationship rock-solid, chances are there's something your partner does that ticks you off. Maybe they're always late to meet up with you, even on important dates. Perhaps they don't bother helping you schedule the dog walker. The way they sigh when you ask them to do you a favour might be the thing that sets you off. These grievances are normal in a relationship, and they can even be healthy — if you talk about them the right way.
In a lecture about love in the modern age, author Alain de Botton explains why it's helpful to critique our romantic partners. "Mothers and friends don't care enough, and don't have to deal with you all the time," he says. "They don't give you the vital feedback that only a lover deep in a relationship or marriage would tell you." Even though we should be communicating when we want our partner to do something differently, we often just do a lousy job of delivering the criticism. "We don't know how to educate, because we think education is a breach of love, rather than the beginning," he says.
There are a few reasons why people tend to be critical, says Jessica Higgins, PhD, PsyD, LPC, a relationship coach and host of the podcast, Empowered Relationship. You might have parents who nit-picked your behaviour, or were raised in a very critical environment, for example. Maybe you're hard on yourself, too. "People tend to feel some level of angst or anxiety, and they don't know how to manage it, so their strategy is to control their external environment," she says. For these perfectionist types, their logic in a relationship is, If I could get you to be different, I would feel better, she says.
The problem with that is we're often missing the point. "A lot of people express criticism because they feel a vague sense of discomfort or displeasure, but the thing they complain about is rarely what’s really causing the dissatisfaction," says David Ludden, PhD, a psychology professor who focuses on the psychology of language. Even though you might pick a fight about the way your partner put away the laundry, for example, it's not really about the laundry. "That’s what they’re focusing their attention on, because even they don’t know for sure what’s bothering them," Dr. Ludden says.
So, the first step in delivering criticism that'll stick is making sure you're talking about the real issue and not getting mired in distracting details. (Maybe it's not the socks on the floor, that really bothers you, but an overall lack of respect for your shared space, for example.)
There's also a big difference between constructive feedback and criticism, Dr. Ludden says. Constructive feedback is something you give your partner because you care about them and want them to grow as a person, but criticism is just an expression of something you don’t like about your partner that you want them to change, he says. "In other words, constructive feedback is given for their sake, while criticism is given for your sake," he says.
We don't know how to educate [our partners], because we think education is a breach of love, rather than the beginning.
In relationships, there are going to be moments when your partner does something that doesn't make you happy, "but criticism is rarely an effective technique for behaviour modification," Dr. Ludden says. We have a tendency to want our partners to feel all of our longing, discontent, and pain — and then fix it, Dr. Higgins says. That may be expecting a bit too much.
You might want to start by literally asking your partner for permission to give your input. For example, you could say, "I've noticed some things," or "I have some observations, would it be helpful to talk about this?" "Respect that someone is making their own choices," Dr. Higgins says. "That's a different angle than, Hey, I'm the authority, I see what's going on wrong with you." Instead of pointing out what you don't like, you might tell your partner what you do like in a calm, lighthearted way, Dr. Ludden suggests. "If your partner is highly defensive, the direct approach may not work. Humour can sometimes get a person to let down their defences."
It can sometimes be helpful to tell your partner how their behaviour impacts your feelings. You could say something like, "It makes me feel like I can't count on you when you forget to take out the trash," This way, the goal isn't to call your partner out, but have them see your pain and understand how to help, Dr. Higgins says.
If you find yourself on the receiving end of the criticism, it helps just to listen. "Listening to criticism doesn’t mean that you accept it as valid, but you do validate your partner’s feelings when you hear them out," Dr. Ludden says. "And maybe once they start talking, they’ll discover for themselves what’s really upsetting them." If it sounds like your partner is really emotional about the topic, it can be helpful to respond to their feelings, Dr. Higgins says. "See it as them raising the flag that something's not working, and then see if it's really about them more than it is about you," she says.
Ultimately, you have to pick your battles and know when your input is really necessary. "If you're constantly riding someone, it's difficult for your partner to know what's important and what's not, because it all kind of blends together," Dr. Higgins says. But if you do get good at having these difficult conversations with your partner, then the bigger issues might seem easier to manage. And remember that you're not always going to be able to change your partner — or where their clothes land — but you can change how you react to them.
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I lead a quiet life these days. It’s just me, my husband, and the dog in a cosy Cotswold cottage. Our social life is so minimal that there are cobwebs on the doorbell. I am so desperate for the company of my grown-up children, that when our youngest comes back from college, I relish the chance to do her laundry and scour cookbooks for vegan dishes with which to tempt her newly principled palate.
But let's wind back a decade or so. I was 40 (ish). We had a big, worn-out house in a small worn-out London suburb. I was worn-out myself, most of the time, having four kids and a stressed-out husband, running on a hamster wheel to keep us all fed while attempting to be a writer. It seems to have gone in a flash — one minute I was singing "The Wheels on the Bus," the next I was listening for their keys in the lock late at night. At the time, though, it dragged like a life sentence with no hope of parole. Date night? For me and my husband it came around about twice a year, when we could afford a babysitter, and we spent it bickering over a cheap Indian meal, or watching a play from so far up in the nosebleeds that it might as well have been a flea circus.
Then something changed. A new couple moved in nearby — Deborah and Tim. They were a bit younger than us and quite a bit groovier. Tim was an A&R man for a record label; Deb was a director for a TV soap. They had three kids and their younger two were, by happy coincidence, the same ages as our younger two and in the same classes at school. We were shy at first — being British and all — would they, er, maybe like to come 'round for something to eat on Friday night? No point shelling out for a babysitter, just bring the kids along for a sleepover. They were in.
I don’t know why I bothered plumping up the cushions or vacuuming the Rice Krispies out of the cracks in the floorboards, because the house got trashed that night. Not by the kids — they flaked out pretty early on. It was the grown-ups. We ate moussaka, drank three bottles of wine, and got on like a house of fire. The guys bonded over their vinyl collections (something of a rarity at the time; most people having replaced them with shiny, new compact discs). My husband put on Oasis, then The Stone Roses, then Pulp. After that, it was all a bit of a Blur (you get it).
While the guys talked limited edition 12-inch singles, Deb and I threw caution to the wind, dancing like nobody was watching (which they weren’t), with the lights off and the music turned up so loud that our sensible neighbours, Keith and Gayle, knocked on the wall at 2 a.m. At that point, we conceded defeat, put on some Leonard Cohen, and Tim rolled a double-skinner with his homegrown hash. We hung out until the light started leaking through the Venetian blinds and the sound of birdsong reminded us that the kids would be up within an hour or two, and someone (please God not me) would have to drop the older two to soccer practice and piano lessons, respectively.
The kids were in their pajamas in front of the TV in a room that looked like a bordello — empty wine glasses, brimming ashtrays, the heady smell of ganja in the air.
My husband, saint that he is, signed up for the job, so when I woke up, with the worst hangover I can ever remember, to find him snoring beside me 10 minutes after departure time, the kids lolling in their pyjamas in front of the TV in a room that looked like a bordello — empty wine glasses, brimming ashtrays, the heady smell of ganja in the air and a record still revolving on the turntable — I was appalled.
So appalled that when Deb and Tim invited us to their place to do it all again the next night, I didn’t hesitate. Seeing that we’d only be a couple doors down, I offered the 14-year-old a fiver to babysit his younger siblings, and we were off. This time we got takeout and a box of wine and took a nostalgia trip back to the '80s. While our kids ran amok at home, we danced like dervishes to The Teardrop Explodes, The Pixies, Depeche Mode. I knew we had consumed too many stimulants when my husband got on the dance floor and started pogo-ing to "Too Drunk to Fuck" by The Dead Kennedys.
They were the best of times, they were the worst of times. There was judgment and there was shame. Keith and Gayle stopped knocking on the wall, but they stopped giving us the spare produce from their CSA, too. Relations with our other neighbours became distinctly chilly. The worthy parents on the playground — the ones who always remembered when it was "come as your favourite book character day," and baked the cakes for the school fairs — exchanged disapproving looks when Deb and I walked into the school looking like zombies. I could imagine what they were saying but I didn’t care.
But then I did care. I cared when I caught our eldest puffing on a makeshift joint that he’d constructed from the carelessly discarded butts scavenged from the ashtray that I’d been too wasted to empty the night before. That was a wake-up call.
We tried passing it off as "Dad’s herbal tobacco" but our son knew better. It’s hard to play the heavy-handed parent to a wayward teen when you’re doing the same things you'd otherwise lecture them about. So we knocked off the weed for a while, but tried to stay loyal to the "every night is party night" philosophy. Then, Tim signed up for a dry-January-like charity driven month without drinking. We called a halt to the partying, to make it easier for him, and somehow after that, it never really got back on track. We remained friends, had the odd dinner party, but somehow, without ever acknowledging it, we all knew that time of exhilarating, no-holds barred hedonism had run its course. I guess we got old.
Looking back, it’s not a period of my life I’m particularly proud of, and it’s probably just as well it was shortlived. But other than making fools of ourselves, I don’t think we did any lasting damage. And when winter comes to the Cotswolds, and my husband builds a fire, turns on The Antiques Roadshow, and settles down with the crossword, I’m almost tempted to get out The Dead Kennedys and give it one last spin.
Felicity Everett is the author of more than 20 fiction and non-fiction books for children. Her debut adult novel,The People at Number 9, goes on saleAugust 8. It's another story about when being friends with neighbours goes slightly awry.
Refinery29 in no way encourages illegal activity and would like to remind its readers that marijuana usage is illegal
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Victoria Beckham is considering taking legal action against a restaurant in Tyneside called Sidhu Golden Fish and Chips after it used a caricature of the fashion designer in an advertisement. The disturbing ad depicts a skeletal Beckham wearing a bikini and sash that reads “anorexic fashion icon”. According to People, the ad is being displayed on the Sidhu Golden Fish and Chips’ delivery vans in order to promote the restaurant’s new pizza, which has tastelessly been dubbed the “Victoria Beckham Thin Crust” because it’s “only 2 mm thin”.
The restaurant’s ad is appalling and infuriating as it makes light of a very real and serious eating disorder just to sell pizza. The ad completely disregards the feelings of those who have to live and struggle with this disorder. For these reasons, Victoria Beckham may pursue legal action. A spokesperson for Beckham told Fox News: "It is highly inappropriate to trivialise such a disorder, and defamatory to be so thoughtless with a person's reputation in this way, therefore we are seeking legal advice."
After the ad began getting media attention yesterday, Sidhu's manager posted a lengthy statement on the restaurant's Facebook page, which started: "I as the manger on the behalf of all our staff and owners would like to state we recognise how serious eating disorders are and would never make light the seriousness of people with eating disorders. We are not a fly by night, business trying to make a quick buck. Anorexia and any mental illness are very serious."
Then, just three hours ago, a photo featuring the blank back windshield of one of the restaurant's delivery vans was posted to Sidhu's Facebook page. Accompanying the photo was a note that started: "Its Gone! As of 5:15pm Tuesday Aug 2017, we have had no official complaint from Mrs Beckham or her legal team." It then goes on to say: "No complaint has been made to us about the advert on our van but with the media hype the whole account has left our staff dejected" and "It’s a sad state of affairs when in England 2017 an innocent joke is twisted and turned into an opportunity by some to cause distress." These two sentences in particular make it seem as though the restaurant's management may not actually recognise how disgusting this advertisement truly was and the hurt it could have caused to those dealing with anorexia and Victoria Beckham herself.
If you are struggling with an eating disorder, please call Beat on 0345 634 1414. Support and information is available 365 days a year.
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Sharing the bed with a partner for the first time can be an important test: Is the person a barnacle who wants to clutch your body until you're both sweating? Do they ghost before the sun rises? Or are they respectful of your physical boundaries and drift into REM sleep an arm's length away? In truth, sleeping with another person is a skill that takes learning. But some people have an easier time adjusting to the new circumstances than others.
"Sleep is very sensitive to the individual's environment," Scott Hollingshaus, MD, clinical instructor of sleep medicine at the University of Utah's Sleep Wake Centre told Refinery29 last month in an interview about summer sleep struggles. Each person is acclimated to their individual room's environment, which includes the lighting, noise, bed and temperature, Dr. Hollingshaus said. Any significant changes in your environment can be disruptive to sleep, which is why the first night of sleep in a new bed — or with a new partner — can be so shoddy. Over time, you might get used to having another body in bed, so that becomes your new norm. But do couples actually sleep better when they're together?
While your sleep environment could make it easier to sleep with another person in bed, there might be some emotional reasons why you sleep better with someone else under the covers. A review of research that ran in the Wall Street Journal in 2012 hypothesised that perhaps sleeping in bed with another person provides feelings of safety and security, which may lead to better sleep.
A small 2017 study examined how well heterosexual couples sleep in bed together. Sleeping together didn't improve the couples' sleep quality or quantity, but both the men and women in the study said their perceived sleep quality was higher when they slept with their partner. And men in particular slept longer and got up later when sleeping with a partner compared to their solo nights. Researchers say that if you're in bed with a person you like and trust, then you'll likely sleep better — or at least feel like you're sleeping better.
From an evolutionary standpoint, these theories kind of make sense: When kids are scared at night, they go to their parents' room to be comforted. In the last season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kim Kardashian West told her sisters that she didn't want to sleep alone in a hotel bed in Palm Springs. She was still grappling with the trauma of her robbery a few months prior, and having someone in bed with her was comforting. For some people, the stress from a traumatic event can lead to a slew of sleep issues, so having a trusted friend or family member sleep in the room can help, according to the National Sleep Foundation. So although having another body in bed might not directly impact that person's sleep quality, it could be comforting or help to quell anxiety.
But if you're looking for consensual couple's sleeping? It's usually perfectly safe, even if it can be a little uncomfortable.
Sleep is a very personal process, and it might take some time for you and your partner to sync up. Or you might have to make a few adjustments in the bedroom to make sure that you're both comfortable. But if you are someone who does enjoy having another body in bed, just make sure you find a cuddling position that you and your partner enjoy — and please, don't hog the covers.
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Lorde performed the 2005 folk song at Osheaga, a star-studded festival in Montreal. Wainwright's tune has recently surged in popularity after being prominently featured on HBO's limited series Big Little Lies. Fans of the show will recognise it as the song that Jane (Shailene Woodley) frequently listened to as she ran on the beach, often while fighting off PTSD flashbacks of her rape.
The song isn't an easy one to cover. Not only is it tough to capture Wainwright's ability to make the refrain "you're a bloody mother fucking asshole" sound beautiful, but the song requires an emotional range that conveys both sentimentality and fury. Lorde proved that she was more than up for the challenge, and it was particularly meaningful that she performed it in Wainwright's hometown of Montreal.
The singer was accompanied solely by an acoustic guitarist, so we can fully appreciate her vocal chops on this one. Check out the video below and you'll understand why we're listening to Lorde's cover on a loop.
“Whatever you do, don’t do Captain Corelli’s F**king Mandolin. I’ve heard it three times.” This was the advice I was given when I was first asked to choose a reading for my friend’s wedding. Five minutes later, someone else said exactly the same thing...Louis de Bernières was off the table.
Anyone making the slog through several summers of nuptials will empathise. From the tooth-achingly saccharine to the weird proliferation of 'comedy' poems about all the arguments they’ll probably have, the readings are rarely anyone’s highlight.
But as weddings have pivoted away from tradition – couples are less likely to get married in church than ever before – the ceremony has become as tailor-made as the dress, as long as you both get to the “I do” part.
Hyper-customisation is the way forward and the pick-and-mix approach to wedding ceremonies is as millennial as the portmanteau hashtag, the mason jar cocktails, and the fairy lights-and-floral bunting design combo.
Choosing the right words for the couple, the occasion and the reader is daunting, especially if you’re picking for someone else’s ceremony. One night in my research I realised I’d read almost every Modern Love columnTheNew York Times had ever published and was still coming up empty-handed.
So whether you’re choosing a reading for your own wedding or someone else’s, here are some tips and suggestions to ensure no one’s gagging on cheesy Nicholas Sparks-level mushiness or rolling their eyes at the sixth Velveteen Rabbit of the year.
Know your audience
I was a guest at one laid-back garden wedding where a guest solemnly, and with a completely straight face, read the entire lyrics to Chaka Khan’s "Ain’t Nobody" (including the “oh oh oh ohs”). Most of the guests didn’t realise what they were hearing until the chorus kicked in and it brought the house down. At another, two thespy guests performed snippets from The Merchant of Venice to a rapt audience, in homage to the couple, who met performing in a play. Both were spot-on in capturing the mood of the couple, the ceremony and the crowd. So if you know you’ve got a super woke congregation, maybe it’s the perfect time to break out the bell hooks or if the couple are both scientists, perhaps something textbook – literally – might honour their chemistry.
Go gender neutral
If some elements of the institution of marriage make you feel icky, going gender neutral opens up your options. Steer clear of crusty gender-based humour (“She’s a nag and he’s a lech; she’ll be moody once a month and he’ll probably end up with a drinking problem. Congrats guys!") and look for passages that aren’t bogged down in traditional wedding lingo. Queer blogs and sites geared towards same-sex marriage are a great source for readings that don’t explicitly refer to husbands and wives but instead focus on themes like falling in love, partnership, togetherness and connection.
Get off the beaten track
The readings we hear time and time again are popular for good reason but mining some less exhausted sources can turn up a gem or two. If you love an author or poet, try searching their essays, letters or interviews for the perfect quotes, instead of their main works. Looking at the relationships considered the greatest loves of all time (fictional and real), they often go from ferocious passion to volatile infidelity (Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo), or from naive bliss to untimely death ( Romeo and Juliet). For fresher inspiration, look at pop culture couples that the happy couple might be into: Tim and Dawn in The Office or Johnny Cash and June Carter.
Stick to your values
This doesn’t mean arming bridesmaids with placards or shunning the microphone for a megaphone but you can still make choices that reflect your beliefs. At my friend’s wedding I decided it was important to me, as a feminist, to read words written by a woman. Although a number of my failsafes deserted me in the moment – despite her sizeable contribution to the romantic comedy canon, Nora Ephron is better on snarky divorce debriefing than she is on love – in the end, Jeanette Winterson came through for me.
Write your own
The if-all-else-fails option. When Gareth, 31, was asked to read at his best friend’s wedding, the internet listicles felt impersonal so he bit the bullet and wrote his own contribution to the ceremony. “I just wrote about how you have your best mates who you love but then you find your partner in crime who you can be your absolute self with,” he says. This gives you total free rein to perhaps mention the couple’s meet-cute, their pets or mutual obsessions. Keep it short and sweet though, and steer clear of after-dinner speech territory – remember, that part of the day is yet to come so you don’t want to tread on toes and (crucially) this is also pre-fizz.
Jeanette Winterson, from Big Questions from Little People and Simple Answers from Great Minds
Good for: Couples that have had long-distance relationships; animal-lovers
“You don't fall in love like you fall in a hole. You fall like falling through space. It’s like you jump off your own private planet to visit someone else’s planet. And when you get there it all looks different: the flowers, the animals, the colours people wear. It is a big surprise falling in love because you thought you had everything just right on your own planet, and that was true, in a way, but then somebody signalled to you across space and the only way you could visit was to take a giant jump. Away you go, falling into someone else’s orbit and after a while you might decide to pull your two planets together and call it home. And you can bring your dog. Or your cat. Your goldfish, hamster, collection of stones, all your odd socks. (The ones you lost, including the holes, are on the new planet you found.)
And you can bring your friends to visit. And read your favourite stories to each other. And the falling was really the big jump that you had to make to be with someone you don’t want to be without. That’s it.
P.S. You have to be brave.”
Maya Angelou, "Touched By An Angel"
Good for: Romantics; humanist ceremonies
"We, unaccustomed to courage exiles from delight live coiled in shells of loneliness until love leaves its high holy temple and comes into our sight to liberate us into life.
Love arrives and in its train come ecstasies old memories of pleasure ancient histories of pain. Yet if we are bold, love strikes away the chains of fear from our souls.
We are weaned from our timidity In the flush of love's light we dare be brave And suddenly we see that love costs all we are and will ever be. Yet it is only love which sets us free.
Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex
Good for: Non-traditionalists; feminists
"Authentic love must be founded on reciprocal recognition of two freedoms; each lover would then experience himself as himself and as the other: neither would abdicate his transcendence, they would not mutilate themselves; together they would both reveal values and ends in the world."
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Updated 11.30a.m. 9th August: Google has been accused of alleged sexism and a gender pay gap, and now more than 60 current and former employees are considering a class-action lawsuit, according to the Guardian.
The attorney working on potential legal action told the Guardian that they "contend to have earned less than men at Google despite equal qualifications and comparable positions" and spoke of a culture that is "hostile to women". It comes after an employee was fired at the weekend for penning a controversial memo about diversity.
Original story published 11a.m. 8th August: Google Has Fired The Employee Behind The Controversial "Anti-Diversity" Memo
Google has taken action against the employee who penned the controversial memo on diversity. Bloomberg reported on Monday night that the company has fired James Damore, the author of the memo, who was initially unnamed but has since been attached to the internally-circulated document.
Motherboard first reported on Damore's memo, entitled "Google's Ideological Echo Chamber," early on Saturday morning, after multiple Google employees took to Twitter to voice their concerns. The document has since been published in its entirety on Gizmodo. The memo has a ranting nature, and claims the gender gap within tech exists because women are biologically different from men in ways that make them less suited to engineering roles. Furthermore, Damore goes on to say that efforts to increase diversity by focusing on specific genders and races is discriminatory in itself. The memo came at a time when concerns about sexism in Silicon Valley are at an all time high.
Yesterday, Google CEO Sundar Pichai penned a note to employees that has since been posted on The Keyword, a blog about goings-on at the company and product updates. Pichai's letter echoes some of the messaging previously sent by Danielle Brown, Google's VP of Diversity, Integrity, and Governance, by beginning with a reference to the right to free speech.
"We strongly support the right of Googlers to express themselves, and much of what was in that memo is fair to debate, regardless of whether a vast majority of Googlers disagree with it," Pichai wrote.
Though Pichai continues to emphasise the importance of finding ways for employees to freely express themselves, he makes clear the memo violates Google's "basic values and our Code of Conduct, which expects 'each Googler to do their utmost to create a workplace culture that is free of harassment, intimidation, bias and unlawful discrimination.'"
On Twitter and in the media, reactions to Damore's firing are divided. Many have come out in Damore's defence, and claim the firing shows Google's unwillingness to be open to unpopular ideas. In an email to The New York Times, Damore said he may pursue legal action against his former employer.
Others have come out in support of Google's firing, saying that Damore's actions harmed his coworkers and fostered a hostile workplace. There's legitimacy to these claims. In his 2015 book Work Rules!: Insights from Inside Google That Will Transform How You Live and Lead, Laszlo Bock, Google's former SVP of People Operations details the company's overhaul of its performance review system. One element Bock notes is Google's peer review system, which operates on the "wisdom of crowds" theory: Your manager doesn't see everything, but your peers see the real you. Damore's memo presents the possibility that it affected his judgement of some of his colleagues, namely women and minorities, in his peer reviews — which has very real consequences under Google's performance review system and could impact salaries.
Google is already under fire for its salary practices. In April, the Department of Labor accused Google of gender pay discrimination, which the company denied.
The "anti-diversity" memo saga is likely far from over for Google, but the wider discussion it has sparked about diversity initiatives, free speech within companies, and how Silicon Valley handles dissent in corporate environments are ones that the entire tech industry has to grapple with.
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Ruth Crilly, model, blogger, busy mum and cofounder of the Colab dry shampoo brand shares her five favourite time-saving beauty products.
In the blurry first weeks and months of new motherhood, when it takes a monumental effort just to get dressed, let alone put on makeup, you need quick and easy beauty products that really pull their weight. Here are my ultimate time-savers for hair, face and nails – this is low-key, low-maintenance grooming at its very best.
Cleansing
I’m a stickler for proper cleansing with an oil or balm but sometimes, especially when you have a brand new baby, it’s just not possible to spend time loitering at the sink. Micellar waters were made for these moments, and L’Oréal’s Bi-Phase is a beefed-up version that removes even stubborn makeup with minimal effort. Quick to dissolve dirt, easy to wipe away and no greasy residue, this handy cleanser has saved me from falling asleep in my makeup more than a few times.
L'Oréal Paris Bi-Phase Micellar Water 400ml, £5.99, available at Boots
Exfoliating
When you want to perk up tired, dull skin, acid exfoliants are one of the fastest ways to go about it. Liquid Gold from Alpha-H is simplicity itself; swipe on with cotton wool and then leave overnight for renewed, glowing skin. It’s safe to use during pregnancy and breastfeeding and a big bottle will last for ages – it’s a brilliant quick fix, especially if you have no time for face masks.
Alpha-H Liquid Gold, £33.50, available at Cult Beauty
Complexion Enhancing
If full makeup application feels like too much effort, then a good complexion enhancer will leave your skin looking brighter and more even-toned. I love the Complexion Rescue Tinted Hydrating Gel Cream from bareMinerals for its fresh, lightweight feel and healthy, sheeny finish. The coverage is sheer but application is fast and foolproof, which is what I want on days when timings are tight.
bareMinerals Complexion Rescue Tinted Hydrating Gel Cream, £28, available at bareMinerals
Nail Polishing
Spending time maintaining a perfect polish job is never top of my to-do list. I tend to go for nude shades so that the odd chip or dink won’t be too obvious. I wear the Sheer Wisdom Nail Tinted Moisturiser from Butter London, which makes my nails look glossy and healthy and is a cinch to apply. It makes my hands look more cared-for with the most minimal effort.
Butter London Sheer Wisdom Nail Tinted Moisturiser, £15, available at Look Fantastic
Hair Reviving
Between hair washes I use a dry shampoo to absorb any greasiness and give a bit of a lift at the roots. My Colab dry shampoo has no chalky residue so I can use loads of it and often – if my hair is down, then it stops it from looking lank; if I’m tying it back, then it adds some much-needed texture and volume. This is the ultimate time-saver on those days when a full hair wash is out of the question…
Colab Paradise Dry Shampoo, £3.50, available at Beauty Mart
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“To be trans, black, and femme is to be a constant obstacle course / it is to be in continuous movement dictated from the track / it is learning how to simultaneously apply your lipstick whilst jumping away from incoming traffic / to dodge bullets whilst ensuring your heel doesn’t sink into cracks of sidewalks.”
Travis Alabanza, a transfemme gender non-conforming performance artist, wrote this piece just three minutes after someone threw, in broad daylight, a chicken burger at their head. All of the words that make up Travis’ new chapbook, Before I Step Outside [You Love Me], were written in public – on public transport, while walking, after being harassed, while being stared at. Every poem, diary entry and essay reflects on their experience of being a trans person navigating the hostile and violent nature of public spaces. In "Obstacle", in particular, the constant duel between living your identity proudly and looking over your shoulder for the next potential danger is palpable. “Unfortunately, as a trans person, particularly a trans person of colour, we birth these skills of survival. We all know the tricks, the areas we can’t walk through at night, we talk to each other about the tactics to use to stay alive,” Travis tells me. “It’s the reality of what it means to be trans feminine in the UK.”
Travis is a performance artist, poet and theatre-maker from Bristol, living in London. Having toured their work across the country at queer venues, universities and spaces like the V&A, Tate and Roundhouse, they’re one of the most exciting and important queer artists right now. “I grew up on the outskirts of a council estate, and as my mum was a single parent, we didn’t have time or money to go to the theatre. I always knew I loved to perform, I just didn’t know a job existed where you could do it. I started doing open mic poetry, before realising I wanted my performances to be the whole package, so I started experimenting and found my space within the queer cabaret scene.” Travis’ chapbook reflects that experimentation, too, with an amalgamation of poetry, prose, essays and statements interacting with photographs of the artist.
Before I Step Outside [You Love Me] was designed by Jessie Denny-Kaulbach, Travis’ friend of 15 years: “I needed someone that didn’t follow a brief, but just knew who I was and had experienced my harassment – I needed someone that had gone through this process with me.”
Photo: Holly Revell
While the design plays a key part in bringing the words to life, another interaction is that between the artist and the reader. On the first page of the chapbook, Travis encourages people living similar lives to write in their own name to "remind yourself that you are deserving of love and care."
"I wanted a page that said, ‘I am really thankful for you buying this book, investing in this physical thing, I want you to imprint on it – I didn't want a passive reader, I wanted an active reader,” Travis explains. "But I also wanted to show people that it’s not just trans people who fear being outside: other gay men and women obviously know what it feels like to be harassed and frightened. Sometimes language separates us and while that’s useful sometimes, we all have this common experience of going outside and feeling scared.”
Indeed, I could relate to some sentiments in the book, knowing all too well the creeping fear of post-sunset streets, the keys clutched between knuckles, the letting loved ones know your route home. But I’ll be passing this book onto my trans friends, which is what Travis also had in mind: “I imagined what it would mean to be given this as a gift. For me, this book has been a coping mechanism. If this book could be like that for someone on public transport, then that would be really lovely.” A portable lifeline, of sorts, telling you you’re not alone.
While the work is clearly so important for those who identify with Travis’ personal experience, there are vital lessons to be learned for cis het people. “I didn't want this to be a book that just pits men against women. The complexity of being transfeminine is that actually you're receiving assault and abuse from all corners: children harass you, women harass you, men people.”
A piece entitled "Womb-en Only" is a heartbreaking and necessary reminder that ‘women-only’ spaces are both trans-exclusionary (side-eyeing you, Germaine Greer) and dehumanising. "They said the room was women only. I heard womb only. I heard them measure up who was women enough to be in their room."
The poem shines a light on the lack of intersectionality and inclusion in a lot of feminist circles. “There's only an acceptance of certain types of trans people in wider feminism. I've been to meetings where they've said trans women are welcome, but I don’t identify as a woman and I’ve experienced trans-misogyny. Surely we should be bonded by our experience of misogyny, rather than our gender identity.” The poem ends with a gut-punch of uncomfortable truths: "I heard us both say that what we are wearing does not make it our fault. I heard only one of us nod at the other."
The whole chapbook is a privileged, if difficult, look into Travis’ world, one that requires our action and love – but do they think, in 2017, that societal progress is being made? In the introduction, a beautifully poetic line reads "I take a selfie before I go outside to remind myself how I looked in that moment. To remind myself that it is not me who is the problem, more the world that cannot hold me."
“In terms of visibility, there’s obviously been huge strides,” they say, nodding to the success of Laverne Cox and publications like The Guardian featuring Travis and their peers, “but I also question if it’s the right type of liberation. Visibility isn't going to save me; Caitlyn Jenner’s Vanity Fair cover doesn’t stop you from getting punched. We’re still not thinking about trans healthcare, about prison abolishment, about the bigger structural issues that affect trans people. But I think it’s way deeper than that. What I mean when I say ‘the world cannot hold me’, is that we are so obsessed with the binary, that we would really have to shift the whole world in order for people like me to be accepted. We would have to unlearn thousands and thousands of years of a structure.”
I tell Travis that I actually read the line to mean that their identity is a transcendental and unconstrained thing, sitting outside the limits of a world stuck in the past. “I really like that reading. Sometimes, when I’m walking and being harassed, it helps to have this bubble around me: ‘You know what, you just haven’t caught up yet’. A lot of my male friends now play around with gender in ways that they didn't before knowing me. I think about what that means – trans people are such a positive part of society, because we remind people that gender doesn't have to be rigid.”
The chapbook is a glorious, educational, emotional and insightful read. Both an ode to their peers ("I want you to know, before you step outside, that you are a warrior"), and a plea for more humanity (“This all boils down to me needing someone to just love me outside, to imagine what it would look like if everyone cared about me when I walked outside”), right now, everyone needs to read Travis’ words. So how can we be better allies?
“It comes down to being active. If you see someone being harassed, say ‘No, that's not okay’. Actively go out of your way to listen. If you don't have trans people in your lives, find trans people online, buy our books and learn about what’s happening to us. There are practical ways too; if people are financially able, donate to trans organisations, to our surgery funds. But, really, this book was trying to strip away all of the language that we hear in feminist circles about allyship. Once, when I was harassed, I saw someone holding a Judith Butler book – they did nothing. When that chicken burger was thrown at me, there were about 350 people that saw it, and no one did anything. It was outside King's College University, and I’m sure all of them have had a gender lesson or two. This book is saying: forget all these rules, it’s clearly not working; we just need to care about each other. And if we start from caring with each other then everything else should follow.”
Buy Travis Alabanza's Before I Step Outside [You Love Me]here.
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Welcome to Money Diaries, where we're tackling what might be the last taboo facing modern working women: money. We're asking a cross-section of women how they spend their hard-earned money during a seven-day period – and we're tracking every last penny.
This week we're with a 24-year-old who has been living in London for just over a year. She says she is lucky that she gets to live in her parents' flat for cheap (for London!) rent. She is currently saving to try and do her yoga teacher training and, unusually, actually enjoys budgeting and has recently learned that buying loads of stuff doesn't really make her any happier.
Industry: Marketing Age: 24 Location: London Salary: £27,000 Paycheque amount per month: £1,726 Number of housemates: 0
Monthly Expenses
Housing costs: £500. I'm really lucky to live in my parents' flat! Loan payments: Student loan taken out of paycheque – £71 Utilities: Included in rent! Transportation: I top up my Oyster as I go, and go back to my parents' on the train most weekends, which I pay for as I go. Phone bill: £15.70 Savings: Trying to save £500 a month so I can quit my job and do my yoga teacher training. 9-5 life isn't for me. Currently have £0. Other: Apple Music – £9.99, Car insurance – £46
Total: £1,071.69
Total left for the month: £654.31
Day One
7am: My boyfriend is staying over so I wake up and make him a coffee and me a ginger tea. I don’t have anything for breakfast as I’ve been back at my parents’ for the weekend so have no food!
9am: Top up my Oyster with £20 which definitely won’t be enough for the week but I can’t face spending any more. Pop to Boots before work to buy a little iced coffee, an Eat Natural bar and a bottle of water which I then eat/drink at my desk. £4.09
12pm: I head to Sainsbury’s to buy a Diet Coke and an apple. Eat this outside with a salad I packed from last night’s dinner at my parents’ house. I think they are used to me always taking their food. £1.30
5pm: Decide to get a different line today because the Central line is hell at this time of year. It takes ages. Pop to Sainsbury’s on my way home and buy cereal, milk, apples, bananas, aubergine, mushrooms, jalapeños, spinach and goat’s cheese. £13.75
7pm: Spend most of the evening making a very strange salad out of these ingredients with some lentils and sweet potato I had in the cupboard. I eat vegetarian during the week to save money and hopefully help the environment. At weekends, I let myself have whatever.
9pm: Spend the evening writing in my journal and watching Love Island.
Total: £39.14
Day Two
6.50am: Was meant to go for a run this morning but lie in bed instead, convincing myself I’m ‘meditating’ (I’m not). Get out of bed and eat cereal, banana and milk for breakfast with a green tea.
9.20am: Tube is very delayed so arrive at work about 30 mins late. Grab a little iced coffee from Boots because I’m in a bad mood. I used to get a Pret latte every day but have broken this habit as it’s such a waste of money – although these aren’t much better. £1.80
12pm: Eat the salad that I made last night and an apple.
1pm: Sign up for a last-minute appointment to give blood this evening and instantly regret it as, like everyone, I hate needles.
3pm: Buy a packet of popcorn from Tesco and eat some of my colleague’s dark chocolate. Convince myself I need the sugar because of my appointment later. 80p
5.30pm: Pop into Topshop while hanging around waiting for my appointment. Try a few things on but don’t buy anything even though I desperately need new clothes. I’ve put a few things on eBay and am refusing to buy anything new until they sell!
7pm: Donate blood then catch Tube home and watch Love Island. Don’t feel like eating anything after all the biscuits at the donation centre. Write in my journal and convince myself that I will go for a run tomorrow.
Total: £2.60
Day Three
7am: Wake up, shower, banana, cereal, milk and coffee. Don’t go for a run.
9am: Iced coffee and an Eat Natural bar at my desk that I bought from Boots when I got off the Tube. £2.79
12pm: More of the salad I made on Day One and an apple. I also buy some popcorn and an overpriced Graze box ‘to be healthy’, then get annoyed that there’s not enough chocolate in it. £1.99
4pm: Book into a hot yoga class for next week with my friend. I get £5 off for referring her. I usually have a membership for this but cancelled it before I went on holiday as I wouldn’t be able to make any classes. £9
5pm: Get changed at work and get the Tube to netball – it’s a bit far away from my flat but I don’t really care as it’s nice to see a different part of London every now and again. Buy a bottle of water before, which makes me feel a bit guilty. £1
7pm: Play netball then get the bus home. I need to get two buses but I decide to only get one and then walk the rest of the way – it’s 40 minutes but sunny so I don’t mind.
9pm: Home and Love Island is on so just have cereal for dinner as I don’t want to miss any of it by going to the shop! Terrible, I know.
Total: £14.78
Day Four
6am: Wake up, down a coffee and some water and head out for a run. I end up doing 4 miles because I go a weird route, so only have 20 mins to get ready for work.
7.30am: Bowl of cereal and a banana. I read a news article last night about plastic and waste so decide to stop buying so many little coffees and the odd bottle of water.
10am: Work very boring, very hungry. Lion King soundtrack keeps me entertained.
12pm: Eat the final portion of my weird sweet potato and lentil salad. Very glad it’s finished because I was getting a bit sick of it. Also buy some popcorn and an apple from Tesco. My week is just snack after snack. £1.40
1pm: Buy a bar of dark choc which I share with my colleagues (I eat most of it) and a Nakd bar. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. Convinced that when I get a job I like I will stop snacking so much. £2.39
5.30pm: Get the Tube a couple of stops north to meet a friend. We go to a really cheap bar and take it in turns to buy rounds, I have four gin and tonics and end up pretty drunk. My Monzo gets declined because I spent all the money on it so I need to use my normal account, which I try to avoid doing. £11
8pm: Top up my Oyster with £20 to get home. Meet my boyfriend and he has bought beers and chocolate. I bail on the beer but eat the chocolate and we watch Love Island. Also defrost some sweet potato coconut curry that I made a few weeks ago for tomorrow’s lunch.
Total: £34.79
Day Five
7am: Wake up with a baby hangover. Eat my cereal then drag myself to the Tube station. Despite vowing not to anymore, I buy a little iced coffee because I have a headache. Decide this is my last one and the next thing I buy will be a reusable coffee cup. £1.80
1pm: Go outside because I have a phone interview for another job. It goes well and I get called back for another one, yay! I only eat half of my curry because my stomach is jittery with nerves, then I eat some popcorn and an apple my colleague bought me from the shop. I transfer some money to him because he won’t accept it otherwise. Vow that today is the day I will stop snacking. £1.50
6pm: I arrive late to the station so don’t have time to get a ticket home. The train was too crowded to bother searching for the ticket man and we get to my stop before he comes round…I’m not overly upset about this. My sister picks me up from the station and I eat dinner with my family.
10pm: There is a bat in my room. My dad sets it free. Spend the next couple of hours lying in bed learning about bats.
Total: £3.30
Day Six
7am: Wake up horribly early and go for a walk with my sister around a couple of fields.
9.30am: Drive to meet a friend for breakfast – my petrol light is on but I can’t face filling up, which I know is awful. Leave it for later. I have a latte and avocado eggs on toast. It was good but think I could have made it better at home! £8.65
12pm: Spend the rest of the day lazing around and eating everything in sight.
6pm: Pick my boyfriend up from the train station and we go to Tesco to buy snacks for my friend’s party. Get peanuts, crisps, prosecco and wine. He pays but I know I’ll have to pay him back at some point! I also put £20.07 of petrol in my car.
6.30pm: Arrive at my friend’s and she’s made a huge dinner for about 15 of our friends! We all get hammered and I don’t sleep until 5am.
Total: £28.72
Day Seven
10am: Wake up with a hangover and head home after a few cups of tea!
12pm: Spend the rest of the day snacking, drinking tea and playing card games with my family as it's raining outside! As far as hungover Sundays go, this one is pretty good!
8pm: Eat dinner at home, make a sandwich for my lunch tomorrow, then get the train back up to London with my boyfriend (who also feels awful). Use a return ticket I bought ages ago but never actually used.
9.30pm: Stop at Sainsbury’s so he can get something for dinner. I buy milk, apples, bananas and cereal bars to have as snacks for the week. £5.69
You may recognise the familiar silhouette of a low-v, long sleeves and adjustable ties as the blouse shape of summer '17, worn by all your favourite style crushes in your Insta feed over the past few months. However, if the idea of a tie-front blouse conjures up images of Britney Spears in "Baby One More Time", I'm here to convince you that there's far more to this trend than risqué school uniforms.
An ordinary button-down might be an uninspired, obvious choice of top to wear with your favourite denim but, thankfully, the tie-front blouse offers something far more eye-catching, often available in bold prints, with the plunging neckline countered by the elegant long sleeves and chic bow detail.
As the warmer weather fades and holiday season winds down, ahead is a roundup of the best of these blouses to send off summer in style.
Zara Top with Bow Detail, £25.99, available at Zara
This sheer blouse is the perfect transitional piece that will seamlessly pass from your summer wardrobe into autumn. Wear with jeans and trainers by day or tailored trousers and sock boots for an elegant evening look.
Mango Knot Detail Printed Blouse, £35.99, available at Mango
Reformation can do no wrong and this olive-green tied top is a holiday number we'll be incorporating into our everyday wardrobe. Wear over a lace vest or bralette to avoid flashing too much skin.
Reformation Casablanca Top, £98, available at Reformation
No one wears a blouse and jeans quite as effortlessly as French girl Jeanne Damas. Emulate her insouciant style with a tie-front flower-print blouse from her own label Rouje. Bike, basket bag and bouquet optional.
For those mornings when you can’t find anything to wear, let the Aurora top save the day and your sartorial nightmares. Pair with your high-rise jeans or a midriff-skimming skirt.
For Love & Lemons Aurora Tie Top, £105, available at For Love & Lemons
A white shirt is a necessary component of any capsule wardrobe and this tie blouse with an elasticated waist is a chic update on the style staple.
& Other Stories Tie Blouse, £59, available at & Other Stories
This drawstring Ganni crop top with flattering balloon sleeves has been top of our wish list since we spotted it on Lucy Williams last month. Follow her lead and wear with culottes and sandals for the most enviable summer look.
If the racier tie-front blouses that expose the stomach aren't for you, this knotted Zara shirt with thin straps offers an elegant twist on the trend.
Zara Knotted Shirt with Thin Straps, £29.99, available at Zara
We've been obsessed with Australian brand Posse since it popped onto our radar courtesy of fashion influencer Camille Charrière.
Posse Camille Long Sleeve Top, £96, available at Posse
Turmeric yellow was the colour of 2016 but we're happy it's stuck around for this summer, too – especially when it looks as good as this Réalisation Par blouse.
Réalisation Par Stevie Top, £115, available at Réalisation Par
Perhaps not one for the workplace, this star-spangled crop top is a showstopper for a party look.
Wylder Dirty Dancing Star Print Wrap Tie Top, £45, available at Topshop
Lisa Marie Fernandez is always a first port of call for elegant resort wear and this polka dot blouse is a welcome addition to a last-minute holiday wardrobe.
Lisa Marie Fernandez White Polka Dot Tie Blouse, £259, available at Avenue32
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Another day, another exciting announcement about a soon-to-be-cult eye palette. Over the past couple of months we've been spoilt with the UK launch of Anastasia Beverly Hill's new Subculture shades as well as Urban Decay's Naked Heat palette. But if you weren't one of the lucky ones to snap up the hyped new releases before they sold out, fear not, because Instagram queen and makeup maestro Huda Kattan has just unveiled a new 18-shade palette, set to be released on 18th September.
Reminiscent of the rich colours of the Middle East, Huda Beauty's latest offering, the Desert Dusk eyeshadow palette, takes us on an Arabian journey, capturing the vivid shades and striking landscapes of Dubai. From the rich sky at sunset to the shifting shades and shadows on the sand, the opulent colours of the Middle East have been encapsulated in this highly pigmented palette. Building on the phenomenal success of the record-breaking Rose Gold Textured Shadows Palette, founder and CEO Huda Kattan wanted to ensure that Desert Dusk would exceed expectations. Determined to take her second palette to stratospheric heights, Huda created 18 new shades with four never-seen-before formulas.
The palette includes eight matte shades, reformulated for an even smoother, butter-like application. The texture from the Huda Beauty Rose Gold palette is reimagined in vibrant purples and ochres, and soft sandy nude tones. There are also six pressed pearls in plum, bronze and rose shades, creating a high-shimmer, velvety finish that layers effortlessly on top of matte formulas to add depth and intensity to lids. Three duo-chrome toppers offer exquisite light-shifting formulas, creating an enchanting duo-chrome effect. And finally, the one pure glitter shade, inspired by the precious jewels of the Middle East, with magenta, bronze and golden tones, adds depth and texture. Go bold and apply this glitter shade all over the lid using a flat brush with stiff bristles, or use it as a glitter liner.
“I knew it would be hard to follow the success of our Rose Gold Palette, so I had to replace it with something phenomenal," Kattan explained. "Taking on feedback and appreciation from our previous palette, we perfected the formulas to ensure the creamiest textures for the best application and wear. We combined so many versatile shades and used highly pigmented shadows that can be layered to create a vast array of looks. We also added a mirror for makeup lovers on the go, as this is something our community had been asking for.”
Determined to be involved in every aspect of product development, Huda travelled to Italy to handcraft and finalise the palette. “I spent so much time in Italy to ensure that every shade was exquisite. I knew exactly what colours and pigments I wanted so I spent hours blending and mixing the colours until we refined the shade and formula of each one. Every colour is so special to me because it was an emotional and rigorous journey before we got to the final product.”
The Desert Dusk Eyeshadow Palette also includes the beloved shade, Angelic, from the Rose Gold palette, while Huda’s favourite shades from the new palette include Nefertiti, a sparkling gold pressed pearl, and Celestial, a shimmering gold and pink duo-chrome sheen.
Huda Beauty Desert Dusk Eyeshadow Palette, £56, launches on 18th Septemberon shophudabeauty.com, also available at Harrods and Selfridges.
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Women watch porn, obviously. The taboo around this fact has thankfully begun to dwindle over the last few years, thanks to the ascendance of ethical porn, porn centred around female pleasure and feminist directors such as Erika Lust.
But, while it's been well documented that men can suffer from watching too much porn, with side effects ranging from erectile dysfunction to sexual dissatisfaction, less discussed – still – are the potentially negative effects it can have on women. Women get addicted to porn, too, for instance.
But even a casual porn-viewing habit can affect our mental health and have a detrimental impact on our sex lives and relationships, as a new study suggests. Researchers from the University of New Brunswick, Canada, claim that porn can lead women to have "unrealistic expectations" of sex, reported The Sun.
The study of 1,000 adults, of whom two thirds were young women, required participants to fill out an online survey on how much they watched porn, their body- and performance-related distractions during sex, their perception of their genitals, and their expectations of their partner.
The bad news? The research found that porn can lead women to expect too much from their male partners in the bedroom and result in them feeling unsatisfied with sex. “Genitalia can be digitally or cosmetically altered, depicting larger than average penis size," said Kaitlyn Goldsmith, who led the study.
“Intercourse is shown to last longer than average, men sustain erections longer and women experience orgasms more easily than in real-world encounters," she added. Unfortunately for straight men, watching porn also led the women to feel dissatisfied with their partner's appearance.
