Hailing from Galicia – an autonomous community within Spain with its own language, culture and traditions – photographer Lua Ribeira believes that her own roots have fed into the kind of situations and scenes she is drawn to documenting. “Galicia used to be part of Portugal before it was colonised, and we still remain closer in identity to Portuguese than to Spanish.” Moving to the UK via south Wales to study, Ribeira notes that when she arrived, she became acutely aware of the way different cultures coexist within the same spaces, and after some time, honed in on the British Jamaican culture she kept encountering. “Coming from a place like Galicia, where our culture has been oppressed throughout history, it made me sensitive to Jamaican expression within the UK.”

Ribeira made friends within the UK’s Jamaican dancehall scene and began to work with them on a series of collaborative portraits and images entitled Noises in the Blood. First arriving in Bristol, she met a young woman from Birmingham who told her that the scene is bigger in the Midlands and in London. “I started to listen to dancehall music, and when I listened to the lyrics – how explicit they are and how strangely puritan they made me feel – I became really interested.” Ribeira acknowledges that the project was in part a sort of mirror to realise her own Judeo-Christian background and the cultural values from which she had felt removed until that point, as well as a study on femininity and how it’s perceived across cultures.

Noises in the Blood takes it name from a book entitled Noises in the Blood: Orality, Gender, and the “Vulgar” Body of Jamaican Popular Culture by Dr. Carolyn Cooper, professor in cultural studies at the University of the West Indies. The book surveys the way women transform themselves within these spaces, the apparent sexism within the culture, and the Western prism through which it’s often judged. “When I read Carolyn's book, all of the intuitions and thoughts I was having when experiencing this scene were so well articulated in her writing,” Ribeira explains. “She speaks about dancehall as a culture, in relation to Afro-Caribbean tradition. All the moves, the manners, the rituals or the outfits had reasons and a long history behind them. I engaged with it because I felt ideologically in tune with her discourse.”

When asked how she would attempt to characterise the scene as she encountered it, with all of its rituals and traditions, Ribeira says there is no better way to understand it than with the pictures, which are colourful, playful celebrations of the people that attend these spaces of social gathering. “However,” she says, “if I had to explain to a Spanish person, I would make a comparison with flamenco, and its viscerality and grandiosity – something not possible to commodify. A sacred space. I perceived it as an important cultural expression.”

Ribeira tells us about the development of the project, and the stories of the people she met along the way.

“In Jamaican culture, Cooper mentions that the dancehall is a space where women can leave their roles of being ‘guardians of society’s morals’ at the door. Their moves, their gestures, their outfits – which are never worn twice – are all explorations of their own femininity, identity and self-expression."

Wearing clothes and accessories they’ve often made or customised themselves, women transform themselves in an almost ritualistic fashion for the dancehalls, and explore their sexuality through metamorphosing into different characters. There’s always a great build-up to see how women are dressed when they turn up to parties.

“The transformation is carefully done and it has a very creative input,” Ribeira says. “There are many accessories and elements of appearance specific to dancehall culture, like the rigid hairstyles for instance, and women work on their unique appearance down to the smallest details. I think in all societies, carnival and impersonation is used for comment and dealing with social structures. I think there is also an idea of empowerment in becoming ‘someone else’ by transforming the appearance.”

Ribeira conducted visual research into the mysticism and folklore of Afro-Caribbean culture at large, and worked that into the portraits she made of the women, alongside influences from painting, film and fashion. Each session she had depended on a personal connection between her and her subject.

“My way of photographing is very collaborative. It’s an organic process and depends entirely on the person in front of me. Of course, all of the women were different, and wanted different things from the images. I established relationships with each of them and then it was about how we played with the experience together.”

“This lady had a huge collection of jewellery. I went to her house and photographed her many times, always feeling disappointed with the images somehow. She used to show me her collection, which I adored. One day, we got this idea of laying her on the floor and draping her whole body with the jewellery. I think this is one of the best pictures in the project.”

“This is my friend Dinah Larmond, and she is a real dancehall queen – an incredible dancer with flexible skills. The first time I saw her doing this twisted position, she walked with her hands across the floor towards me. It took me a long time to find the right image that really captured this great movement.”

“This is the daughter of a friend I photographed often within the project. I remember thinking that she could be the best fashion model – she was so serious. When I photograph each woman, I always need to wait until they are ready – to apply their makeup and put together their outfits. They are extreme perfectionists. In the meantime, I always end up playing with the children in the house. This time, I brought some handbags from Carla Lopez, a Spanish brand that had asked me to try and make some images for them. I loved this image. When I took it, she had such presence, and suddenly appeared like a giant in the room.”

“I spoke many times with the women I photographed about their condition as women in the dancehall scene. Norman Stolzoff wrote a book about dancehall history and in it, he mentions that dancehall production is overwhelmingly male-dominated and women are discouraged from becoming singers or DJs. I guess it’s similar in Western culture in many fields. However, I look at women like Lady Saw or even Spice now, and they're powerful women who are a great deal for dancehall. So their expression and what they are saying is very important in the face of that sexism.”

“By my own personal experience, I have met women that, in comparison with my own culture, have less worries about the display of their body and the playfulness of their sexuality. Just like in any culture, dancehall is a space of celebration and social gathering, and the rules and roles established there are part of that society as whole.”

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Back in June, Refinery29 staff members gave you the lowdown on their summer style picks and each season, we'll be sharing our sartorial wish lists with you, from the latest drops to new brands and collaborations. Now the nights are getting darker, the jackets are moving from storage to wardrobe, and autumn collections are landing online and in-store.

We've got that back-to-school buzz, which usually involves perusing the coats and boots on offer, but also means that a host of exciting winter wear is ours for the taking. Ruffled necks, slogan knitwear, patents, faux furs, berets and metallics.

From statement earrings to match your party dress, to menswear knits perfect for cosy Netflix nights, click through to see the pieces our staff are coveting this autumn.

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Londoners are notoriously unforgiving towards anyone who gets in their way. If you're standing on the left-hand-side of a tube escalator, conducting a photoshoot in the middle of the pavement or doddering in the cycle lane, you're going to be met with an exaggerated tut at best – or a verbal onslaught at worst.

But all this could be about to change if capital-dwellers take heed of new plans from a major London think tank. The Centre for London is calling for a "civility code" in the capital to encourage Londoners to be less rude and unfriendly towards one another, the Evening Standard reported.

According to the think tank, some of the biggest banes of Londoners' lives include pedestrians walking along while being glued to their smartphones (guilty as charged!), people refusing to give up their seats on the Tube, aggressive cycling and lorries blocking junctions.

The guidelines in the new code, which is still in the early stages, would aim to make London a more pleasant environment and improve road safety. Some of the proposed ideas include asking pedestrians to not stand around blocking pavements, advising cyclists to be more careful when overtaking slower riders and asking drivers to give way in a more considerate manner.

Transport for London has reportedly spoken to the think tank about its idea, which it ultimately wants to become part of the Highway Code. “Increasingly we live and walk and move in a bubble. We all need to realise that we’re part of a system and have to apply some sort of process to the way we move," said Patricia Brown, who commissioned the report.

She added that there's simply not enough space in London for "all of these different things to work in a perfect way," reported the Standard. "Some people are alert and very polite as they move around. But we get very frustrated with the increasing number of people that are in the bubble.”

We look forward to seeing whether the report, published tomorrow, will take on the bugbear of all bugbears for Londoners walking past major tourist attractions: the selfie stick.

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UK currency has been going through a major revamp of late – we've had the controversial new fiver, the Jane Austen tenner and the new 12-sided £1 pound coin, which entered circulation back in March and was due to be phased out completely by this Sunday (15th October).

But we'll now have longer to get rid of those old pound coins than we originally thought. Thousands of shops across the country say they're going to continue accepting them until the end of the month because the changeover period between the two coins has been too short, the Guardian reported.

Shops and restaurants won't be obliged to accept the old coin after the 15th October, when it will lose its legal tender status, but many say they're willing to make customers' lives easier and carry on accepting them for an extra fortnight. There are still 500m old coins in circulation with less than a week to go until the deadline.

Mike Cherry, the national chairman of the Federation of Small Businesses, which represents 170,000 UK companies, said businesses can collect the old coins if they want to but are not allowed to give them back to customers. He said doing so "would provide a useful community service, allowing customers a few weeks to get rid of the final few pound coins in circulation," reported the Guardian. How thoughtful.

More than 850 Poundland stores will also continue accepting the old coin, allowing shoppers to spend them on its unexpected bargains rather than having to take a separate trip to the bank or post office to exchange them.

The new coin has been described as "the most secure coin in the world" by the Royal Mint, owing to its distinctive shape, the fact that it's made from two metals, its hologram-like image, micro-lettering and milled edges, which make it very difficult for criminals to counterfeit.

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Later this year the government is set to review the Gender Recognition Act 2004. The review will look at, among other issues, the legal concept of 'transgender self-identification', more simply known as 'trusting trans people to know their own minds rather than thinking that they are lying, manipulating, dangerous pranksters who love to dress up as cowboys and cowgirls and who are seeking to destroy and create havoc in gendered spaces' – toilets, women-only spaces, the school curriculum, for example.

Currently, trans people have to make an application to the Gender Recognition Panel, a judicial body which sits and makes judgements on individual cases based on evidence gathered which proves that the applicant:

– has or has had gender dysphoria;
– has lived in the acquired gender throughout the two years immediately preceding the date on which the application is made;
– intends to continue to live in the acquired gender until death.

The evidence has to prove the above and must include medical reports. The process currently costs £140, although there are some exemptions. The applicants never meet the panel, therefore it is an exclusively paper exercise. It is humiliating, outdated and unnecessary.

Some sections of society find the whole idea of us speaking our truth, of our truth being heard and respected, terrifying because apparently it has the capacity to undermine womanhood, female safety and perhaps even masculinity. We have been pitted spitefully against feminist history and feminist potential without doing a thing. Meanwhile we are still being consistently harmed.

Worldwide statistics for trans murders, HIV infection rates, and trans healthcare are all deplorably high and depressingly low in quality, yet somehow, as a group without much structural power, we are apparently rolling up our sleeves to damage others. One of my work roles is as a trustee for the Sophia Forum; our work is entirely centred around women living with HIV, women who are at risk from gender-based violence, intimate partner violence and women who are victims of trafficking. I know all too well the impact of misogynistic violence on women, yet in all that work I have never come across a single trans perpetrator. I've seen the global data and I have never seen a growing or existing trend of trans women harming cis women.

Never. Not in countries with self-identification and not in countries without. It is a myth conceived by people caught up in conceptual pondering about different structures of feminism – Marxist, essentialist, or just plain hate-filled.

When I was 8 years old, the boys at school called me a pansy. I loved the name. I identified with it and from that day on at school I asked everybody, friend and foe, to call me Pansy. I identified with my friends, who were mainly (but not exclusively) girls and at breaktime we looked after the hamsters, pretending they were babies. I dreamt of having babies.

That summer – we'll call it the 'Summer of Pansy' – was simple, straightforward and nourishing. Even my teacher agreed to call me Pansy during carpet story time, and my love of books and words was born. I identified naturally with so many aspects of my life: words, people, books, ideas and dreams. When my teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I replied without hesitation: a mother, like my mother. I wanted to grow up to have a belly full of babies.

I self-identified with the support of those around me. Somehow that very simple act, which could now be translated into a kind, inclusive law, is seen rather as an act of aggression and potential danger. The ease with which I became Pansy was lost when I approached my father and asked him to call me by the name, telling him it felt right.

From that slap onwards I was taught, conditioned and bullied into being unnaturally male. I learnt how to walk, talk and act to try to avoid harm, my life going from natural bliss to conditioned harm-reduction. I've met many young trans kids who have self-defined and self-identified naturally and quite brilliantly until the systems tell them they should feel shame at doing so, and that they should learn to live a life based around pleasing others.

When that section of feminism – the section we sometimes see referred to as 'radical' (nothing radical about peddling hatred) – presents the notion of self-identification as an act of war against biologically essentialist-identified womanhood, they are attacking the basic human right to self-define and to self-identify. It's something that every living, breathing human does. Every cis person declares their identity by setting out on life with a natural ease; only the trans person has had to jump through hoops and hoops and hoops again, then walk through rings of fire to prove their capacity to self-define.

The GRA review, which comes as a response to the Women and Equalities Committee's transgender equality inquiry, is seeking to reform the Act in order to remove the demeaning process to which we are still subjected.

This cannot be a philosophical or academic debate. This shit really matters. It's life and death for some, and a delaying of life for many others. Turning this basic human right into a conceptual panel debate is an act of aggression and a movement away from decency. If you do this, you are on the wrong side of all that we as people should aspire to: kindness, inclusivity, support for others and love.

We teach young people to be authentic, to be themselves, to not be fake, yet some people are seemingly happy to deny this right to trans people. They say we should be tested, be examined and when this insidiousness ripples down to young trans kids in schools, they must look to their futures and despair; we are denying them their dreams, we say we will not believe them.

The Stonewall School Report (2017) found that 64% of trans pupils are bullied in school, more than four in five young trans people have self-harmed and more than two in five have attempted to take their own life. To them we owe a kinder, safer world; one in which the act of saying who you are should be heard, received as truth and supported.

When I think back to young Pansy, I see her sat on the carpet listening to stories and dreaming about what her life may be, her adventures and the stories she would write. It saddens me to be here now, over 40 years later, still witnessing some adults debate whether someone like Pansy, someone like me, ever knew her own mind.

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For reasons largely self-evident, Monica Lewinsky has lost count of the number of times she’s been harassed or bullied. “Over 20 years,” she said during a recent interview with Refinery29, “you can only imagine how much I have seen written about me, tweeted about me, posted about me, and in print, too.”

But the truth, she revealed, is that she can count on one, “maybe two” hands the times that people have been outright rude to her face. And while that might seem surprising, it’s actually a reflection of the dissonance between who we are on the internet and who we are in reality, she explains. Here’s the takeaway: We’re nicer, more compassionate human beings when we aren't hiding behind a screen. So what will it take to get people to translate their better offline instincts into their digital interactions?

That question is being explored by a new public service project Lewinsky launched today, which takes the form of a truly arresting anti-bullying video as well as a #BeStrong emoji keyboard meant to help you express support when you see someone becoming a target — just in time for Bullying Prevention Month. The video, titled "In Real Life" and embedded at the bottom of this page, shows what happens when hateful online comments play out in real life situations; it's also a reminder that our social media needs an empathy overhaul. We spoke to Lewinsky about online harassment culture, what she might say to Melania Trump about tackling that issue, and the right way to intervene when you see someone being bullied. As you can imagine, the short answer is: It’s tricky.

I think most everyone has a story about saying something online or on a textual medium that they would never say IRL. Do you?

"Oh, honey, you haven’t seen my drafts folder! A few weeks ago, I was moving toward having a difficult discussion with a good friend, and due to some of the circumstances, I was feeling scared, envious, and a little angry. Instead of creating an open space for a mature dialogue, I was snarky and passive aggressive. I course corrected by basically owning up to how I was really feeling, but it was embarrassing to have to observe in myself."

What do you think has happened to us, as a culture, that has made it seem okay to talk to each other with the level of vitriol we do on the internet?

"What I think happened to us as a society is that we began to place more and more value, monetary and otherwise, on humiliation and shame — both of which are a core experience of being bullied. We saw [that shift] in news and entertainment we consumed; as a result, we’re in an empathy crisis that’s reflected in the vitriol we’re seeing online. Couple that with the internet and gaming culture — both of which provide opportunities to create different identities — and you’ll see ample evidence of what psychologist John Suler identified as the Online Disinhibition Effect: We escape online into a world where we’re disconnected from our true selves and our true compass."

Melania Trump has said that bullying is the issue she wants to work on as First Lady. We haven’t seen any movement on that agenda. But what would you say to her about how she should direct her energy on this?

"I have unpacked my personal thoughts about where bullying and politics intersect, and I keep coming back to the same thought: One of the things that has been drilled into me, working on this issue and from all my experiences in politics, is remembering that the only way we can have dialogue is when we create space for both sides to show up and be heard. So it is a challenging thing for me to balance. I want to be mindful of how I talk about that… I am trying to find a way of being true to myself, but also to what’s in service to the issue and how to move the conversation forward. I don’t see my role as stepping into the political part of this conversation. But I also try to stay vocal about issues, not people."

How do we stop ourselves from accepting the current levels of vitriol as a new normal?

"I wish that there were just a switch we could flip. But it starts with the kinds of things we’ve been doing the last few years around awareness. When we become more aware, when we can step in to make a positive comment to the person who is a target of bullying behavior, or find ways to create dialogue that is not through attacking but rather enlightening. One way to do that — and this may sound a little hokey — is to use emoji, or the hashtag #BeStrong, these symbols of compassion, support, empathy for the person who is on the receiving end [of bullying behaviour]."

Stepping in can be complicated, though, online and IRL. How do you make that decision, to intervene when you see someone being harassed online — or off?

"There are many factors why someone will or won’t come to a stranger’s aid. I witnessed a horrific assault once at Venice Beach, and while I stopped and panicked about what to do, I did nothing because it involved two men. I was at a physical disadvantage and I didn’t feel safe.

"In terms of online: This is one of the places where the feeling of anonymity can be a benefit, because the boundaries of where people feel like they can step in can be stretched a little. Where the bridge is missing, though, is that we haven’t quite perfected nor amplified the best way to engage in that dialogue. We hear a lot that you should always step in and address someone who is engaging in bullying behaviour. That’s not always right. It can be right for some people, in some situations. But it’s really important to communicate that people need to check within themselves: Do I feel safe? Is this the right place to do this? Do I know how to do this in a way that will be safe for me, safe for the target, and is not bullying the person who is engaging in bullying behaviour?

"I have a lot of people who make comments toward me which I’m sure they would never say to my face. But I think that what I also see is: People who step in to defend me do it with an equal amount of negativity and force toward the person who has made the comment. I don’t like the word 'script', I really think we need to work on finding dialogue patterns and examples of ways that help people to think about, 'How can I step in in a constructive way?'"

The anti-bullying community has done a lot to create solutions and awareness around this issue. But it feels like the technologies themselves aren’t keeping pace. Why do you think that’s so?

"I’m not an expert enough in this area to know if we’re better off trying to reshape what already exists or marshalling our resources to create something new that then addresses those issues. I do know that social media companies are paying attention, and that I would love to see more resources toward a faster response time. The interim step for right now is trying to ensure that things get addressed faster, so that people feel that if something happens there is a way to mitigate the situation, until we can eradicate it for good."

October is National Bullying Prevention Awareness Month. For more information, or to seek help and resources, visit Stomp Out Bullying.

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To celebrate the start of the new season, Refinery29 has teamed up with luxury British fashion brand Mulberry to style the biggest AW17 trends. Strutting around the brutalist architecture of London's National Theatre, we embraced the colder weather, donning our favourite pieces, from cord skirts to two-piece suits.

A highlight from the brand's latest collection? Meet the Amberley bag. A celebration of Mulberry's heritage, there are five members of the family, ranging from the satchel to cross-body, via the carry-all hobo edition. In varying finishes and colours, the Amberley reinvents Mulberry's classic British style for 2017 – just in time for autumn. Its hero is the sleek Rider's Lock, a new signature hardware feature inspired by Mulberry’s iconic Postman’s Lock that offers a stylish nod to equestrian styling.

Sarah Raphael, Editorial Director

Autumn is my favourite season, I get mesmerised by the colours and masses of crunchy fallen leaves, but you'd never know it from my black, white and navy wardrobe. The elements of my autumn look are always casual (trainers, T-shirts, trousers) but the silhouette is smart, so a well-cut coat and an elegant bag to show I mean business. A Vogue stylist once told me that all you need is a good bag, a good coat and a good pair of shoes to look the part, and I've kept to it.

The Amberley Satche l in zig-zag print is the perfect colour palette for autumn. I only do colour in flashes, like the rust on the bag and orange lettering of my T-shirt – that's more than enough excitement for one day.

I have around 30 pairs of trainers, and 10 are plain white – I like plain things, okay! Mulberry’s Jump Fringe trainers are my kind of quiet confidence with removable fringe detailing that looks like white lace.

My style is consistently low-key and dark, so I like/need to mix it up with overtly beautiful accessories like a statement bag, to sharpen the image.

Gillian Orr, Senior Editor

Nothing makes a statement quite like a trouser suit. Whether it's in a neutral colour or something a little louder, a good suit has the ability to totally transform the way I feel; it immediately commands attention. Those in the know will tell you that you’ll never feel better or more confident than in a tailored two-piece.

Fortunately suits were all over the AW17 catwalks, and I fell in love with this Mulberry number the second I laid eyes on it. The double-breasted cut nipped in at the waist feels inherently feminine and powerful. What better way to show you mean business?

Comprised of the Joanne trousers and Grace jacket, this checked wool suit channels Isabelle Huppert, one of my all-time style crushes, who knows a thing or two about making sharp, masculine tailoring into the height of elegance. I paired it with some Mulberry velvet rust Mary-Jane platforms to accentuate the cigarette structure of the trousers. And to inject a bit of flirtiness, I added a camisole underneath rather than a shirt. I chose a black silk-satin one from NK iMODE to soften the look.

Mulberry’s oak Amberley bag was the ideal accessory, its classic silhouette complementing the chic tailoring. The single earring added a little bit of edge. Surely Isabelle would approve?

Anna Jay, Art Director

Everything about winter sends chills down my spine; having to bundle up in tights, knits, coats and gloves just isn't my idea of fun. That's why this season I couldn't be happier to don the high hemlines that are carrying over from summer as we slide so quickly from Aperol Spritz to mulled wine. Each winter I'll try and wear bare legs for as long as I can, as that first day of battling with catchy, claustrophobic tights in the morning is the epitome of the winter blues.

To keep the micro-mini seasonal (and warm), I'll go top-heavy with oversized sweatshirts and hoodies and finish with touches of minimalist jewellery. As a contrast to slouchy sweats, it's nice to occasionally push aside the trainers in favour of heeled boots. These are Mulberry's Buckle Bootie in midnight velvet – everything about them screams 'Take me home and wear me all winter long'. And the best bit: a mini Amberley satchel that's so perfectly formed it's the ideal excuse to leave your worldly possessions at home for once and carry just the bare essentials.

The tights are staying firmly at the back of the drawer for now.

Alice Casely-Hayford, Fashion Director

I’m quite a tomboy dresser, particularly in the colder months when floaty dresses are the last thing on my mind. So if I do decide to wear a skirt I’d typically pair it with a slouchy, oversized jumper or tailoring for a look that’s not overtly 'feminine'. I know cardigans and knitwear don’t sound like the sexiest items in your winter wardrobe but they’re a huge trend for AW17, from chunky cable knits and cardis to statement XL silhouettes. I love the muted colours of this Mulberry cosy oversized knit, which I’d wear with denim and ankle boots by day and a skirt or tailored trousers by night, bunching the baggy sleeves to show off lots of gold rings.

I’m pretty thrilled about the comeback of corduroy for AW17 and I can imagine living in this Mulberry dusty pink skir t all winter. Just as velvet was the texture of last season, you’ll see all your favourite dressers wearing cord over the coming months. I’m trying to hunt down the perfect pair of cord flares, too…

And, like the majority of fashion editors, I live in black and navy hues but like to add a bit of drama to monochrome outfits with a flash of colour, like this gold ochre Amberley bag or the purple Zara platforms (I’m 6ft tall but I always say go high or go home). Truth be told, I’m not the biggest clothes shopper but all my money goes on bags and shoes, which can transform the most casual outfit immediately. This bag is a gorgeous statement piece but also just the right size to fit in everything I carry around with me every day.

Georgia Murray, Fashion & Beauty Writer

This season, my love affair with florals isn't going anywhere. While it played out through vintage midi dresses during the summer months, for autumn/winter I'll be donning floral skirts and layering up with roll-necks, classic knitwear and faux fur coats. Mulberry's pleated Susannah skirt is a red-brick shade, meaning it works perfectly with a staple navy fisherman's knit. The iridescent silk finish brings a slice of the party to my everyday workwear, too.

I've paired the knit and skirt with the Regent Safety Pin Loafers, also known as The Best Loafers I've Ever Seen. The mother of pearl and rabbit head safety pins add to the elegance of the look, but the squared toes remind me of the chunky shoes I owned back in the ‘90s. Super comfortable, I’ll be wearing these all autumn long, paired with some sparkly socks.

But the pièce de résistance? The Amberley Hobo bag in gold ochre. Putting the final touches on my off-kilter feminine get-up, the shape is reminiscent of a bag Jane Birkin would’ve carried in the ‘70s. For the practical-minded among us, I love the removable front pocket, which becomes a cute cross-body bag for busy days rushing around London. Plus, the rust shade brings a pop of colour to an otherwise dreary British winter.

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Why do people cheat? It's a question that's plagued couples since marriage became an institution. And as marriage has moved from an economic arrangement to one based on love, that question has become a lot more loaded. If our partners are meant to be everything to us, why would someone go looking for something outside of their marriage? And more importantly: Can a relationship recover after such a personal — and ideological — betrayal?

Esther Perel, a couple's therapist who hails from Belgium, explored this topic generally in her wildly successful 2006 book, Mating in Captivity. Now, she's focusing in on questions around cheating in her latest book, The State Of Affairs, which hits shelves on 12th October. Through her research, she's able to dive into the sordid history of affairs, the modern prevalence of romantic love, and why, exactly, infidelity doesn't always lead to the dissolution of a marriage. As it turns out, the widely accepted reasons for why people cheat don't always apply — and the list of potential reasons is ever-evolving. "Infidelity has existed since marriage was invented," Perel says. "But the meaning of infidelity used to be something completely different than it is today."

Ahead, we talk to Perel about her new book, why we now expect so much from our partners, and how cheating and religion are connected.

After the success of Mating in Captivity, what made you want to tease out affairs and infidelity into a standalone book?
I’ve been a couple's therapist for 34 years, and I have basically devoted my work to the idea that the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our life. We don’t learn the best lessons from looking at things that worked as planned. We learn our best lessons by looking at relationships that have gone awry. So this was less a book about infidelity as it was a book about relationships through the lens of infidelity.

I’ve been studying the dilemmas of desire in modern love since 2000. I thought if my first book looked at desire inside relationships, maybe I can now look at what happens when desire goes looking elsewhere. It was the logical continuation. Marriage has changed in the way that we are now in the pursuit of the soulmate. We have created a situation whereby infidelity has become the shattering of the grand ambition of love. It has become the ultimate betrayal and one of the leading causes of divorce. So what’s not to be interested in? Is there anything else that people will destroy an entire life over? There was so much to learn from opening this window.

Infidelity, and the taboo against it, has existed since marriage was invented.

In the beginning of the book, you talk about how infidelity and marriage have always existed side by side. Why do you think that one hasn’t beaten out the other?
That’s a great question. Infidelity, and the taboo against it, has existed since marriage was invented. The meaning of infidelity [used to be] something completely different. In the beginning, infidelity was an economic threat to a marriage that was mostly an economic institution. It was primarily a problem if it was the woman [cheating], because we didn’t know whose children we were going to be feeding. I think that a big reason why infidelity has become the subject that it is today in our social psyche is because women have rapidly begun to close the gender gap of infidelity. As long as men only did it, it was just called 'men being men'.

Nothing [really] holds the family together today except for the relative happiness of the couple. You could cheat before, and the family was not threatened by it. Today, you have no-fault divorce laws, you have the rising economic independence of women — these are things that conspire to the fact that it is the couple and the happiness of the couple alone that keeps the family together. Never has the couple been so central to the survival of the family. Before, a marriage was not between two individuals. It was between two families. Whether or not the couple was happy didn't really matter.

So why do we marry today? Because there is something extremely powerful to the experience of having found 'The One' — especially after years of sexual nomadism. There is the power of the wedding, the fiction that accompanies the marriage, the vows — the vows have become more extreme than anything I’ve heard before. I think it’s the antidote to so many relationships that people have had before in which they're racing to the bottom. So that when they finally are going to execute the real thing, they’re doing it with zeal.

Why do you think divorce hasn't made cheating obsolete?
We have always thought that people only cheat when they’re miserable. We’re committed to the notion of infidelity as a symptom of a problem. But, really, people who don’t get along and don’t want to be physical with one another and have lost their erotic intimacy — what’s to write about that’s [not] been said? But the people who come into the office and say, 'We love each other very much, but we have no sex' — that's when you begin to question the relationship between love and desire. What is the relationship between what fuels love and what entices desire? Is there something there that makes them not necessarily flow together the way we always want? The same thing began to happen with infidelity. To write a book about people who are miserable and have an affair, that’s obvious. But why do those people stay together? It’s usually because there are more important things in the marriage than love. There’s a lot at stake, like the fact that there’s a lot of fathers these days who want to be able to see their children every day.

So you're saying that the traditional idea of marriage — one in which love is less important than stability and economic survival — still kind of exists? And that there are marriages that are still less about love and more about contractual obligation?
Yes! Even though we have marriage for intimacy and love and trust, we still want respectability, companionship, economic support, children, social status — all the things that a traditional marriage gives us. Those didn’t disappear, we just piled other things on top of them. The people I became most interested in are not the chronic philanderers. I was more interested in the people who have been monogamous for years, who never thought they’d [cheat], and find themselves on the other side. That began to intrigue me.

I began to realise that infidelity doesn’t [always] happen because there’s something deeply wrong or missing in the marriage. In fact, there is something else that they’re seeking that marriage or the marriages that they have created won’t afford them. So that began me looking at love and desire, looking at freedom and commitment, and looking at adventure and security. It's the affairs that add the adventure, but people don’t want to give up the security.

Why do we expect so many contradictory things from our partners?
So in the '60s, there was the secularisation of our society. When you understand that people look for a soulmate, what they really are doing is conflating the spiritual and the relational. People today turn to romantic love for things that they used to turn to religion for: wholeness, ecstasy, perfection, meaning, belonging, transcendence. I’ve begun to think that we turn to one person to give us what not only an entire village used to provide us, but what an entire religion used to provide.

How it relates to affairs is that there’s often the sense that maybe you actually can’t get everything from one person. So you begin to segment. It’s a very difficult thing for some people to recognise sometimes that, in fact, things work better once they stop trying to have a partner who is everything.

So when some people cheat, is it because they want something their partners can’t provide?
That’s the common idea, but it isn’t always the truth. You’re implying that a person is going elsewhere because they’re looking for something they can’t get from their partner. The more interesting reason is this: It’s not that I can’t get these things from you, it’s that I don’t want these things from you. In the book, I say that when we go elsewhere, it’s not always because we want to leave the person we’re with, but we want to leave the person that we've become. It’s not about the other person. It’s about the power of transgression, and doing things that make us feel free and alive, and how that is not often what our marriages are about. It’s about reconnecting with lost parts of ourselves, remembering who we once were, mortality, not wanting to age. It’s about a lot of things, but it’s not always about the fact that the partner is falling short.

For many people, that’s a given. In general, those people who fundamentally don’t get enough in their relationship sooner or later divorce. The ones who end up cheating are actually the ones who have no intention of divorcing. The marriage is fine, and they want to preserve it. But there’s something else that they long for.

That’s interesting, because the common reason people think others cheat is because there’s something fundamentally wrong in the relationship.
Exactly. But that’s not always the case. It’s the fact that when I’m with a partner, I’m one person. But over the course of a 20-year relationship, it’s not unnatural to wonder what those other parts of myself are. Parts that I could have been. People that I might have been. I don’t want to leave my partner and head out, but I’m deeply curious about those other parts. It really has nothing to do with the partner, and that’s really hard for the other person to swallow. Once they begin to grasp that, it often is enormously relieving that it’s not because they’re not enough. It’s because, in life, we can’t have more than one life at the same time.

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As Jem of Jem and the Holograms once said, "it's fun to be scared." Around this time of year, we seek out frightening situations, like ghost tours and haunted house attractions, but horror movies have a loyal viewership year-round and we're always suckers for a good paranormal story. But being scared isn't always fun, say, when you hear something outside your window in the dead of night. Why do we have a blast on a haunted hayride but dread going down to the basement after dark?

Rebecca Berry, PhD, clinical psychologist at NYU Langone’s Child Study Center, tells Refinery29 that, first and foremost, getting scared and enjoying it is a matter of control. For example, your love of horror movies is partly due to the fact that you understand you're in a safe environment. Even as you watch Pennywise prey upon innocent children, you're confident that you are not in danger. But when something offscreen gives you the willies, you're probably much less certain that you'll come out unscathed. "This lack of control can be quite distressing," Dr. Berry says.

Feeling like you're in control can set the scene for a frighteningly good time, but there's more to the joy of being scared than the context. We also have our brains to thank.

When something scares us (even if it's in a movie), our brain interprets that thing as a threat, which sets off a series of chemical reactions we know as our fight or flight instinct. First, Dr. Berry explains, we freeze or involuntarily jump. Then, our heart rate and breathing increase as blood rushes to our muscles — we're ready to respond to any danger that approaches. All of this happens in an instant, and the realisation that the threat isn't real occurs just as rapidly. So we're left feeling this rush of energising hormones (including adrenaline) with nothing negative to respond to.

Simply put, Dr. Berry says, this sensation can feel really good. Our physiological response ends up getting interpreted as other "high arousal responses," which include happiness and joy. We may feel more physically aware (especially if we're watching the movie while cuddling with a partner), more euphoric, or just really relieved. "That’s why you see horror movie-goers transition from screaming to laughing in almost an instant," she says.

Of course, if you understand that horror movies aren't real, and that fear is a natural response, and you still don't like going out of your way to get scared, you're not alone. Aside from desiring the "high" that accompanies a startle, Dr. Berry says horror fans may have a certain level of "morbid curiosity" that others don't.

Whether you're spending October chasing thrills and chills or enjoying the lighter side of this spooky month, just remember, there's nothing to fear about being afraid.

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There's an episode of Seinfeld in which Jerry falls for the roommate of the woman he's seeing, leading him and George to try and work out whether or not Jerry could make The Switch. "Do you realise in the entire history of western civilisation no one has successfully accomplished the roommate switch?" George asks Jerry. Nevertheless, the two put their heads together and work out a plan which, sadly for Jerry, inevitably fails.

But this question doesn't just make for good sitcom fodder. It's one that has likely popped up in the minds of anyone who has met a partner's friend with whom they hit it off. So the question lingers: Can you pull off dating someone who is close to your ex?

The answer is, of course, complicated. "It depends on how long you two have been together, how close of friends they are with the other person involved, and what kind of relationship you guys have," says Kristy LaRocca, a psychotherapist in NYC. "If you and your partner aren't in too deep, it might be easier to make the switch." It makes sense — if two people haven't been dating all that long, and intense feelings haven't developed, the person being "dumped" might be totally okay with their former partner dating their friend, and minimal drama and awkwardness will ensue.

The fallout might also be minimised depending on how you and your ex approach dating in general. "If you and your partner are polyamorous, the transition might be a little easier," says Jesse Kahn, LCSW, the director and supervisor of The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Collective in NYC. This was actually the case with a couple he once worked with. "They were one another's primary partner, but both had the feeling of, 'If you left me to pursue a primary relationship with someone else, even though I'd be hurt, I'd also be happy because I'd know your needs were being met better by that other person,'" he says. "In a lot of poly relationships, partners can be extremely excited if their partner falls in love with someone else."

That, of course, is a unique circumstance that not everyone is going to relate to, so there are a few things to keep in mind. "You might have to end up cutting contact with the first person because they're upset over what they perceive as a betrayal," LaRocca says. "And while that may be easy for you, the relationship between your partner and their friend may suffer because of it." The friend may feel like the dissolution of their friendship isn't worth a potential relationship with the other person — and it's important to be mindful of their feelings.

Another wrinkle, according to Kahn, is that rejection tends to sting more when someone else is being chosen over us. "Knowing that someone else was a better fit for a person hits harder," he says.

So, while Jerry and George's plight might not be impossible, it's definitely filled with minefields — so expecting to get out of the situation without a little tension is wishful thinking. "Anything is possible," Kahn says. "You just have to figure out if the ends justify the means."

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“Mum, you need to come get me — I can't stop drinking."

I woke up with a jolt, my son’s words echoing in my mind, beads of sweat on my forehead and pooling on my lower back as I struggled with the twisted sheets to sit up. I had received that call in 1996, before he got and stayed sober for 10 years. He’d long since started drinking again.

It was 3:17 a.m. My son had not been heard from for weeks, and my mind always went to the scary places at night, remembering phone calls from unknown locations and pleas for help that I was never able to give. He’s 38 now and homeless, has been for years, but this was different. I felt it. I looked at the clock again and counted: In 6 hours and 43 minutes I would start calling the West Coast hoping for some shred of news, but knowing I wouldn’t get it.

On a single night in January 2015 there were 6,686 homeless adults in San Francisco. My son was among them. At the same time there were 564,708 homeless people in America. There are drop-in shelters for them, and him, but no continuity of care. And so parents like me lie awake. We make phone calls.

"I can neither confirm nor deny anyone is here by that name." I have no idea how many times I had heard this since his cycle of homelessness began in November 2013, just three months after he went to San Francisco for a fresh start. They could never tell me anything: the hospitals, then the jails, the homeless shelters, and lastly the morgue. All I wanted was some rule-bending clerk who’d let me tell them about the little scar my son has over his right eyebrow from falling off his bike, the narrowness of his feet, the colour of his eyes and hair including a likely long and mangy beard. That he would be dirty. And then to get so much as a grunt of confirmation on the other end.

I know they must be busy; I swear if I get someone I’d refrain from explaining his whole history. That he had a master's from one of the world's most prestigious schools. That he moved to China where he learned the language, established a company, and fell in love. That he returned home for an exciting job, which was quickly pulled out from under him when the company sold. That he was devastated — but suddenly flush with cash and free time. He took his severance money on a trip to England, where wine with dinner woke the sleeping demon, and alcoholism took hold again. He’d beaten it before, but this time it would change his life story from one of great potential, pride and happiness to one of depression and despair. Both of ours, really.

Whomever I reached on the phone would see none of that. And they wouldn’t see his inevitable outbursts of laughter when he is with his sister, the warmth in his voice when he speaks, or the slight quiver of nervousness when he sings, his extraordinary intelligence. My missing boy. So I will be alone with this, awake.

I feign sleep until my husband leaves. I'd stay home and make calls until I had exhausted my list of numbers, a worn and wrinkled sheet of paper with names and numbers I’d been adding to each time we went through this.

“Please help me, help me, help me,” runs on a loop — it’s my mantra, my prayer, and my script for those calls.

He had been sober for nearly 10 years, I think to myself. How could this be happening? How could I have been so naive to think that recovery would last a lifetime? There is only sobriety that is one day at a time, I now know. And some days take fighting through with white knuckles and gritted teeth.

He had reached out to me asking for help; so what if that was only in a dream this time?

I could never have realised that first desperate phone call from him would foreshadow a 20-year journey. It took six years for him to get sober that first time; he fought against the reality that survival meant he could not drink at all. But then, relief: nearly 10 years of a clean and sober calm. I was told that relapse happens. And, of course, it did.

In the five years since his relapse there have been five sober houses, seven arrests for ordering food he couldn’t pay for, time spent in three jails, four recovery programmes, five hospitalisations, multiple detox admissions, countless nights on the streets or in shelters. I have traveled to San Francisco twice trying to help him get in a good and safe place. I have spent thousands of dollars to give him food and clothing. I have purchased six pairs of eyeglasses, seven prepaid mobile phones, sent boxes of clean underwear, pants, and socks to sober houses and shelters. I have found strangers willing to help. I have felt heartbreak, fear, and defeat, but I have never stopped loving or given up hope.

With one more hour to wait, I go through the motions of breakfast: tea and a dry piece of toast.

"I’m sorry. I can neither confirm nor deny anyone is here by that name." As expected, I got that monotone response, excruciating indifference, from two hospitals, two jails, a homeless shelter, and the morgue. My last call was to the San Francisco police. I had called many times before. The gist was always the same — missing people generally didn’t want to be found. I couldn’t accept that. I was convinced my son wanted help. This was not the life he wanted, planned, and worked for. He had reached out to me asking for help; so what if that was only in a dream this time?

I reached a desk sergeant, a woman — a mother, I think. She offered to check the system for his social security number, and miraculously, he was listed. I couldn’t breathe. She told me that he had been taken to a hospital by ambulance, and had surgery — but nothing more. Whatever had happened, I knew it must've been at 3:17 a.m.

I was 3,000 miles away in a panic. How badly was he hurt? What had happened? This sergeant made the generous decision to bend the rules. She sent a patrol officer to the hospital to see my son. She called back within an hour to let me know that his injuries were not life-threatening. The news brought such a release of fear and tension that it caused my body to nearly collapse. I cried until I was empty, took a jagged breath, and called the hospital again. I knew my son was there and I would not be refused information. Not again. I got some.

I knew my son was there and I would not be refused information. Not again.

He had been found by the side of the road with a severely fractured foot, ankle, and a hip that required surgery. What inane law says it is the right thing to do to leave patients like this alone, to not notify family? I was later assured that, had he died, I would have been notified, something there’s no consolation in knowing.

Due for surgery myself, I couldn’t travel to see him. My daughter went instead, and it scared her to see her brother as he was — unkempt and seriously injured. When she left, she worried she’d never seem him again. I have no consolation for this.

Upon discharge, my son was sent to a respite facility for medically complex homeless people, where he was given three meals and a real bed — and freedom to drink.

“Why Mum?” he asked, when I finally spoke to him there. He was sorry and he hurt. He was angry, too. I had no answers for him. He had no means to stop.

By the time I could travel it was two months later, and he had already slipped through the cracks of an inadequate system to be returned to the streets of San Francisco — this time with crutches, a pronounced limp, and chronic foot pain: permanent reminders of his dues to alcoholism.

I know my son fought the pull in moments of clarity when he would recall who he was in a prior life; the clarity that also must have displayed the wreckage of his current life in sharp relief. It is not willful self-destruction that leads him to drink, but desperation, fear. The cycle perpetuates. I have lived this with him. The pit in my stomach never goes away.

My son never hurt anyone but himself. My father was an abusive drunk, and I am the genetic link. Do we somehow atone for the sins of my father? Is this how it has to work?

I often wonder if, given the chance to go back, I would do it again — if I would have children. Inside I know I would. I know the joy this son gave to me far outweighs the pain, which only multiplies. I would take on his disease if I could, sell my soul to give back all that he has lost.

Alcoholism knows no boundaries, I have learned, but neither does a mother's love.

If you are struggling with substance abuse, please visit FRANK or call 0300 123 6600 for friendly, confidential advice. Lines are open 24 hours a day.

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Nearly three weeks after Hurricane Maria made landfall in Puerto Rico, 90 percent of the island is still without power and the US Federal Communications Commission says that 83 percent of cell sites remain out of service. On Friday, the FCC approved an application from Alphabet (Google's parent company) to use high-altitude balloons in order to provide cell and internet coverage on the devastated island.

Alphabet, which launched Project Loon in 2013, uses solar-powered, high-altitude balloons to provide internet service in remote regions. In an FCC filing, the company said it's working to "support licensed mobile carriers’ restoration of limited communications capability" in Puerto Rico.

On Friday, FCC Chairman Ajit Pai announced he was creating a Hurricane Recovery Task Force dedicated to repairing damage caused by this year's storms. The efforts will be focused on fixing the communication networks on the Virgin Islands and Puerto Rico.

"It is critical that we adopt a coordinated and comprehensive approach to support the rebuilding of communications infrastructure and restoration of communications services," Pai said in statement.

Puerto Rico governor Ricardo Rossello tweeted on Friday that he had a "great initial conversation with @elonmusk tonight. Teams are now talking; exploring opportunities. Next steps soon to follow."

Great initial conversation with @elonmusk tonight. Teams are now talking; exploring opportunities. Next steps soon to follow.

— Ricardo Rossello (@ricardorossello) October 7, 2017

Tesla CEO Elon Musk said the company will send battery installers to Puerto Rico in order to help restore power on the island. "The Tesla team has done this for many smaller islands around the world, but there is no scalability limit, so it can be done for Puerto Rico too," he tweeted on Thursday. "Such a decision would be in the hands of the PR govt, PUC, any commercial stakeholders and, most importantly, the people of PR."

The Tesla team has done this for many smaller islands around the world, but there is no scalability limit, so it can be done for Puerto Rico too. Such a decision would be in the hands of the PR govt, PUC, any commercial stakeholders and, most importantly, the people of PR.

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) October 5, 2017

In late September, Tesla sent hundreds of batteries to Puerto Rico that can store power generated by solar panels.

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It's time to reevaluate your queue, because there's a new, super-mysterious series coming to Netflix perfect for true crime fans.

The new trailer for MINDHUNTER has arrived, and though I have basically no clue what's actually happening here, I could not be more excited.

The series comes from David Fincher, the man behind Netflix original House of Cards as well as dark crime dramas like Zodiac. It's the latter that seems to be most like what we'll be witnessing when MINDHUNTER drops on Netflix on 13th October.

The series stars Looking actor Jonathan Groff as an FBI agent who doesn't think we should simply "electrocute" the depraved killers on death row. He wants to study them — which, to just about everyone else in 1979, makes him seem a little loony himself.

"How do we get ahead of crazy if we don’t know how crazy thinks?" the synopsis from Netflix's YouTube page reads. "Two FBI agents (Jonathan Groff & Holt McCallany) set out on a sinister investigative odyssey to discover the brutal answers."

Dark? Yes, but this is perhaps the most upbeat of all promos for the new Netflix series. The background features, quite fittingly, the Talking Heads tune "Psycho Killer." (Selena Gomez famously sampled the song for "Bad Liar.")

This particular trailer is a far cry from the highly macabre teaser in which Groff's character was informed that, if not careful, one of his serial killer subjects would steal his gun, kill him with it, and then "have sex with [his] face."

This FBI story will certainly be unique, and ideal for anyone who has already binged The Keepers, Making A Murderer, and the entirety of the My Favorite Murder podcast.

Don't worry, we won't judge: If you find murders and the people who commit them darkly fascinating, make sure MINDHUNTER is on your radar this Friday.

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Donald Trump is expected to announce this week that he will "decertify" the international nuclear deal with Iran, thereby passing off the issue to Congress.

Amidst Trump's threats, those living in Tehran feel that an accord they have yet to benefit from may already be doomed, hardening their skepticism about America.

Trump is set to deliver a speech on Iran this week in which he is expected to decline to certify Iran's compliance in the landmark 2015 agreement, referring it to Congress, and perhaps targeting the country's paramilitary Revolutionary Guard with new sanctions.

In the streets of the Iranian capital on Monday, The Associated Press spoke to a series of people about the nuclear deal: students and teachers, young and old, men in fashionable clothes and women in chadors.

Nearly all had the same concerns: Benefits from the 2015 accord have yet to reach Iran's 80 million people despite its government signing billion-dollar airplane deals. Inflation remains high, job opportunities stay low.

They also said Trump's threats fall in line with what Iranian leaders since the 1979 Islamic Revolution have warned: Americans can't be trusted. That feeling has unified hard-liners supporting Iran's clerically overseen government, as well as reformists seeking to change it.

"I have not seen any benefit from the deal, so what is Trump going to add to nothing?" asked Gholamreza Haeri, a 21-year-old architecture student. "Is he going to add zero to zero?"

The faith of the average Iranian has eroded over time in the nuclear deal, which saw Iran agree to limit its enrichment of uranium in exchange for the lifting of economic sanctions. It was sealed in July 2015 after 18 months of negotiations by the five permanent members of the U.N. Security Council — the U.S., Britain, China, France and Russia — as well as Germany.

In September 2015, a telephone survey by the Toronto-based opinion research firm IranPoll for the University of Maryland found 45 percent of 1,000 Iranians said they were not confident the U.S. would live up to its obligations in the nuclear deal. By September 2017, an IranPoll telephone survey of 700 urban Iranians found 77 percent were not confident. The margins of error for the polls were 3.1 percentage points and 3.7 percentage points respectively.

"The trend has continuously been increasing," said Amir Farmanesh, the president and CEO of IranPoll.

That suspicion extended to Tehran's streets Monday. Bahram Safari, a 39-year-old junior high school teacher, said he initially supported the nuclear deal but slowly became disenchanted by Trump's constant attacks. Safari pointed to comments by Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, who repeatedly called the Americans untrustworthy during the negotiations.

"During the nuclear talks, I was wondering why the supreme leader was saying so, now I understand that he was right," Safari said. "Americans are not loyal to their signatures."

Ashkan Ashtari, a 30-year-old electronics importer, said breaching the deal will be problematic for both sides.

"Iranians are worried about a breach of the nuclear deal because Iran has kept with all of its commitments and has been loyal to the agreement," he said. "Chances are that the U.S. president will break his country's commitment, as he has done so before."

For Iranians, they still do not have access to international credit cards. While Iranian banks have reconnected to the SWIFT network, which allows for international wire transfers, many complain they still don't have access to global financial markets.

"I know that under the deal, Western banks were supposed to enter Iranian market, but they have not come in practice," said 31-year-old Zohreh Lavasani, who works at a private bank. "So I do not expect the new move by Trump can lead to a meaningful change."

Iran's stock market dropped 1.2 percent in the last week as the price of hard currencies like dollars and euros edged up against the Iranian rial.

Mehdi Abedi, a 30-year-old tire dealer, said despite the challenges, Iran could handle facing more U.S. sanctions.

"The world community is not just America. Iran can still continue its dealings with other countries," he said. "We have been at odds with the United States for about 40 years now and have managed to survive despite conflicts."

Also on Monday, Gen. Mohammad Ali Jafari, the top commander of the Revolutionary Guard, said in a statement that Iranian officials will have a "unified" approach toward the U.S. threats, the official IRNA news agency reported.

"Rest assured Mr. Trump that we (the Guard), foreign ministry and administration are united and our hearts are synchronized," the report quoted Jafari as saying.

Some people continue to hold out hope for the nuclear deal. On Sunday, the German Embassy in Tehran put a placard on its wall saying: "Yes to Barjam" — nuclear deal in Farsi. Germany was involved in negotiating the agreement.

"I still want the deal to remain in place and both sides remain faithful to it so that we can finally see its positive impact on the lives of the people," said Hassan Aghaei, a 23-year-old street food vendor.

But some saw fault in both sides.

"Iran's actions have probably provoked America, such as testing missiles and similar things," said Mehdi Shakeri, 42, who imports and sells car parts. "Iran could have dealt with Trump more cautiously because he is a radical leader and many of his actions are not always based on logic. Perhaps if Iran had not made Trump sensitive toward itself, we would not be in the situation we are today."

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Across the country, football players continue to take a knee during the national anthem to peacefully protest police brutality and systemic racism. Though some have claimed the demonstrations are disrespectful to the flag and to those who serve in the military, many maintain that the actions are highlighting a very real fear that people, specifically Black people, feel when they come in contact with law enforcement officers.

Over the weekend, Chance the Rapper gave his fans an up-close look into just how scary those experiences can be when he live-streamed a traffic stop.

According to People, Chance was driving in Chicago on Sunday with Kirsten Corley and their daughter Kensli, when a police officer pulled them over. Before the officer approached the window, Chance pulled out his phone and started streaming on Instagram Story, telling Corley that, "I'm not playing around."

"Just want y'all to be here in case it gets out of hand," he said into the camera. "Should be good though. Should be straight. I have great faith in humanity and the men and women that put on the badge — but, you know, you can't be too careful...policing as a system is disproportionately racist and oppressive."

He continued to say that the three of them had just left church and didn't have weapons or drugs in the vehicle. People reports they ultimately only received a warning for a moving violation, but it's chilling to imagine the kinds of emotions Chance and Corley may have been feeling throughout the encounter.

Chance's recordings come just weeks after rapper Cardi B shared her experience with the NYPD, who alleged put her in a chokehold after she and her cousin got into a confrontation with another driver. She expressed that the run-in "really fucked with [her] head" and "really hurt her."

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Police apprehended a 19-year-old student accused of fatally shooting a Texas Tech University police officer at the campus police station Monday night.

University officials issued an alert saying the suspect was taken into custody and that the campus lockdown order had been lifted.

In an earlier statement, the university identified the suspect as Hollis Daniels.

According to a university statement, campus police made a student welfare check Monday evening and — upon entering the room — found evidence of drugs and drug paraphernalia. Officers then brought the suspect to the police station for standard debriefing.

"During this time, the suspect pulled a gun and mortally shot an officer," Texas Tech Police Chief Kyle Bonath said. "The suspect fled on foot and later apprehended by ... (campus police) near the Lubbock Municipal Coliseum."

Texas Tech officials initially issued a lockdown alert to students on social media, urging those on campus "to take shelter in a safe location."

"The family of the officer is in the thoughts and prayers of the Texas Tech community," said Texas Tech President Lawrence Schovanec. "I want to express my deep appreciation to the Texas Tech Police Department, Lubbock Police Department, Lubbock Sherriff's Office, and other state and federal law enforcement officials for their response."

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott also issued a statement about the shooting late Monday, saying "hearts go out to the family of the police officer killed." Abbott also said he had mobilised state law enforcement resources to aid in the investigation.

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Have you ever gone back to a boy’s flat and had his ex-girlfriend let herself in with keys at 3am? I dined out on that story for weeks. Even while it was happening – and it was every bit as horrifying as you’re imagining – I was thinking, ‘This is an anecdote to bank’. As I hastily gathered my things and pulled my shoes on to get the hell out of there, the ex asked me whether I liked her cushions and if I’d enjoyed the view out of her window. It was fucking weird, but I was kind of pleased she was adding more colour to an already entertaining story. I didn’t throw faeces out of a window and have to be rescued by the fire service, but as far as dating tales go, it was a good one.

I took that story to the pub the next night and my audience loved it. An audience laughing at (or with, I was never sure) their single friend's ‘busy’ life. Delivering stories that had the whole table hanging off my every word was addictive. Sometimes I’d hand-grenade the story halfway through the evening when the chat got a bit boring; other times I’d bowl in with a "You’ll never guess what happened…" Either way, I always felt socially safe, armed with a dating anecdote. I adored the attention and found that as long as I didn’t cry and kept it breezy, people rarely got bored of my single life.

Five years on from that 3am-key-in-the-door-ex-visit, I’m on the other side of the pub table. I have a boyfriend and we have a son, and as the only parents any of our friends know apart from their own, we’re known as ‘Mum & Dad’. It’s now us offering the post-match comment and analysis on friends' dates, hook-ups and one-night stands. I’m pretty sure I love the chat a little too much. At the risk of sounding like a creepy auntie rubbing her knees with glee – no detail is TMI. He tickled the roof of your mouth with his index finger while fucking you? His penis is how wide? She read you a sonnet before turning out the lights? What moreish details! As much as I love these conversations, I’m definitely questioning my want for these stories. It doesn’t feel healthy. Am I attempting to live vicariously through others? Was that what I was doing when I joined the other 2.43m people who tuned into this summer's Love Island finale? Or when I watch Channel 4’s First Dates, Naked Attraction and The Undateables?

There are crude amounts of entertainment franchises set up on the back of actual feelings; Channel 4’s dating shows alone go well into double figures. And those pub table chats – obviously no one's monetising anything but there is a definite awareness of singles as the entertaining commodity. I asked my single friends how they feel about their post-8pm lives being conversation fodder (you can see why they call me Mum) and none of them minded. In the same way I collected boy anecdotes to hand out at parties like business cards, people are definitely still fucking for the story. "Sleeping with a married woman was one of the badges I wanted to collect," says a friend. "Some people were horrified when I told them, but I liked eliciting such a strong reaction."

This is the problem with the fishbowl we place single people in. Novelty fucking isn’t something to do lightly. Engaging with someone’s feelings and body for banter is exploitative. I’m realising that when I act as audience to the latest fuck story, I’m condoning that. Not that my abstinence is going to change the world, but I no longer watch Take Me Out. I have less of a problem with Naked Attraction, where people are judged on their genitals, than I do with men picking from a line-up of women based purely on how low their body-con scoops.

It’s not just the lowbrow end of ITV2 and Channel 4 that is obsessed with dating; even what Hollywood calls a 'love story' is often really only a meeting story: Titanic, Pretty Woman, Dirty Dancing, Grease, The Bridges of Madison County … We get something from watching two humans come together that we don’t get elsewhere. Vulnerability, lust, excitement, embarrassment, humour, validation, status, disappointment and love: those first meetings and early dates package up so many real, guttural emotions. By being a dating spectator I get to experience all of them, while never risking a broken heart.

You get into a relationship and stop sharing so much, because no one wants to hear about a 5-year-old sex life, and happiness and contentment don’t make for a storming story. The linear plotline of most relationships is predictable and if it goes off the rails there’s often too much at stake for it to be entertaining. That’s what’s great about dating stories: they involve real emotions and allow us to examine the human condition, but if a date goes badly you can swipe right and start again. I know I’ve taken the smug bullet and now have a seat in the stalls, but friends, please don’t all couple up. I mean, seriously, what will we ever talk about?

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British actor Romola Garai has added to the chorus of sexual harassment allegations against the disgraced film producer Harvey Weinstein, saying she felt "violated" after auditioning for him as an 18-year-old.

The star of Atonement and the BBC series The Hour said the Hollywood mogul was wearing only a dressing gown during their meeting at London's Savoy Hotel, which she described as an "abuse of power" that left her feeling humiliated.

Speaking to the Guardian, Garai said the incident early on in her career had stuck in her memory. “Like every other woman in the industry, I’ve had an ‘audition’ with Harvey Weinstein, where I’d actually already had the audition but you had to be personally approved by him,” she said. “So I had to go to his hotel room in the Savoy, and he answered the door in his bathrobe. I was only 18. I felt violated by it, it has stayed very clearly in my memory.”

Garai added that Weinstein's inappropriate behaviour towards her was characteristic of his attitude towards women in the film industry. “The transaction was just that I was there,” she said, adding that the pair then spoke briefly about film afterwards.

“The point was that he could get a young woman to do that, that I didn’t have a choice, that it was humiliating for me and that he had the power. It was an abuse of power,” added Garai, who had been auditioning for 2004's Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, according to the Guardian.

She said she went along with the situation and acted normally, despite knowing it was "weird", "because as far as I was concerned it was a job interview”. “I knew something had happened to me that I didn’t like and that I felt belittled by but I didn’t feel like I had the right to complain.”

She continued: “The people who asked me to go to his hotel room did so with an eye-rolling look of, ‘This is weird but you just have to do it, you’re not in any danger’. It was clear they were uncomfortable asking me to do it, but that it had to be done."

Once Garai landed the role, she says she was pressured to lose weight, regularly told she was fat, had food taken from her trailer and was observed to make sure she didn't eat anything – instructions that she believes came from Weinstein, so that she “fit his expectations of what a movie star should look like”.

“Harvey’s behaviour was accepted but it was accepted because the industry knows that what people want to see on screen is women who are thin and beautiful with big tits and don’t say very much,” she added.

Garai said she "couldn't be less surprised" by the scandal surrounding Weinstein that blew up following an exposé in the New York Times last week. “You can’t find an actress that doesn’t have that kind of story about Harvey,” she continued, adding that his behaviour was considered the norm in a “very very very misogynistic” film industry.

She has never thought about mentioning the encounter publicly until now because she thought people would have been more shocked that she "even thought it was an issue", agreeing with the claim that Weinstein's alleged inappropriate behaviour towards women was an "open secret" in the industry.

“There are so many stories about him sending weird texts and harassing actresses, telling them he’ll give them a part if they come to dinner with him – that’s really really common. And it’s well known that he’s had relationships with a lot of people that he’s worked with, or have worked for him," she added. "Given how powerful he is, and given that they are always with women who are a lot younger than him, I think there is clearly an imbalance of power in those relationships.”

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The season of turtlenecks and pumpkin spice may have only just begun, but if you're planning a Christmas 'do it's never too early to start thinking about the alcohol situation. You want to stockpile enough of the stuff, of course, but you probably also want to think about the quality.

No one wants a raging hangover during Christmas party season – and now there's another way to reduce the risk (other than by stuffing yourself with mince pies and canapés): investing in organic alcohol, something Lidl is making much easier for the cash-strapped among us.

Lidl claims its new prosecco, which hits shelves on Thursday, won't leave you with a sore head the next day, the Mirror reported. The Organic Prosecco Spumante, priced at £7.99 for a bottle, is apparently "hangover free" because it contains fewer sulphites, which have been linked to hangovers.

If the popularity of the budget supermarket's standard, very reasonably priced, prosecco is anything to go by, the organic version looks set to be a sellout.

“We’ve all had that shocking wine hangover. This is sometimes attributed to the sulphite preservatives used in wine to keep them fresher for longer," said Richard Bampfield, Lidl's master of wine (erm, job envy much?). "Generally, organic wine producers use a lower level of sulphites in the production process, which means they are less likely to contribute to hangovers."

The new bubbly “has bright aromas of pear and white peach” and doesn't taste "rustic", he added, making it sound like a delightfully light accompaniment to the fatty stodge we'll be consuming all Christmas.

No one is saying it'll leave you completely clear-headed the next day, though. The only guaranteed cure for a hangover – as you may well know after years of trial and error – is not drinking at all. Sorry!

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Reese Witherspoon has been keeping super-busy with the success of Big Little Lies, her new movie Home Again, and her production company turned multimedia brand aimed at promoting women in Hollywood. But she's found time for her latest venture because it's close to her heart.

Today, Witherspoon launched a partnership with Crate & Barrel, bringing her lifelong love of entertaining and her own lifestyle brand Draper James into the company's mix. The two brands will release co-designed collections for spring and summer 2018, and beyond. As C&B's latest ambassador, she also stars in the brand's holiday ad campaign, called "Perfect Party" (spoiler: not quite everything is perfect — she ends up wielding a fire extinguisher), which you can watch ahead.

Witherspoon founded Draper James to honour her Southern heritage and her grandparents Dorothea Draper and William James Witherspoon.

We recently had the chance to sit down with the actress and entrepreneur. Ahead, she tells us about her new partnership, the importance of identifying your strengths, and her love of Christmas caroling. (P.S. Reese, will you invite us to your Christmas party this year?)

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