Your wedding day can fly by fast. And sure, a photo book or even a hashtag are no-brainer ways to remember your big day. But your guests will also want to recall your special moment for years to come.
The best way to do that? Send them home with a favour they'll actually want to keep. We’re talking a quirky koozie to chill their brew, a temporary love-themed tattoo, or a memento that grows over time. If you’re short on ideas (or time), we’ve got 13 favours that will be the life of the party.
Time for love! These Tattly temporary tattoos are a great way for guests to remember your big day forever — or at least until the tat washes off.
If you're freaking out about the proposed changes to Instagram's timeline, we have some good news for you. The photo sharing app is testing out another new feature that you may love.
Instagram is testing out new search bars within its app, Mashable reported Monday. With the tool, located in the Following and Followers sections of the app, you'll be able to search through a user's followers and the people they're following, without having to scroll through a list of hundreds of usernames. (So if you want to see if your friends are following someone you've had a falling out with, for example, it just got a lot easier.)
Right now, the feature is only being tested among a small subset of users. (I tried to use the search bars on the Instagram app on my iPhone, but it looks like I'm not one of the test users for the tool.) It's unclear at this point whether this will eventually roll out to all Instagram users or not.
Well, we know one thing for sure: If this feature does roll out to everyone, for better or worse, Insta-stalking will become much easier.
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Sexism in music is the oldest story there is. Still, sometimes it takes us by surprise when we look at the lineups of the big upcoming summer music festivals, or ads from local clubs, and how few women (if any) appear. What century is this?
Ask any female DJ how their work differs from their male counterparts, and it's almost like you can see them playing back Samantha Bee's Full Frontalopening skit in their heads while your question drones into, "What's it like to be a female woman?"
"As a DJ who happens to be female, we often get this question, and we just freaking — aaaah! It kills us," Sky Deep, an American-born, Berlin-based DJ and audio engineer, told Refinery29. "In general, you just want to be respected as a technician and as an artist. It's not cool for some guy to reach over and touch the decks or touch the mixer while I'm working, as if I don't know what to do. It doesn't happen all the time but it's annoying."
Lately, however, groups of female-identifying DJs have been taking matters into their own hands. All over the world, they're forming collectives to provide each other with the support they're not receiving from a largely patriarchal industry. Some are small, local groups who perform together, and help each other book gigs or organize club nights. Others exist solely in the virtual world, hosting mixes by female artists on streaming radio sites. And some reach across all borders, connecting DJs in real life and online for a variety of projects, both musical and political.
"I find that we have to support each other, work together, pool resources. Because in most cases, no individual artist has a full set of resources needed to make the impact that we want to," Sky Deep said of belonging to global collective female:pressure.
The groups listed ahead aren't just supporting each other; they're making noise. Soon, no festival or talent booker will be able to say they don't know of any qualified women who deserve to share the bill.
female:pressure
Who They Are: Started in 1998 by musician and DJ Electric Indigo, female:pressure counts 1700 DJs, producers, composers, visual artists, musicians, journalists and researchers among its members from 65 different countries. They're all in a database on the site — take that, lazy talent bookers who can't find any women — as well as on Tumblr.
How They've Experienced Sexism In Music: Just take a look at these pie charts showing the ratio of men to women represented in music festivals.
How They Help Each Other: "A lot of the projects that pop up are very spontaneous and individual, and whoever wants to jump on can jump on," Sky Deep explains of the collective, which communicates via an email list. "In some cases, because we're a network which we hear about what each other is doing, if the vibe matches between two parties, cool things pop up like DJ bookings or joint events. Sometimes we're just volunteering and helping someone else out with their event." They've organized the Perspectives Festival twice in Berlin, and on a smaller level, Sky Deep says, "We all stay in touch and give each other advice and have coffees when we can if we live in the same place."
Where To Hear Them: Sky Deep is one of the members involved in the group's efforts to raise money and awareness for the women of Rojava, in Western Kurdistan. "We're raising awareness about the women fighters there who are creating their own society in like a stateless democracy," she explained. Hear several of the compilations members have made for the project here. You can also find Sky Deep's music on her own label, Reveller Records.
Photo: Eli Eichler.
BORN n BREAD
Who They Are: Five childhood friends from South London (pictured from left to right: Chika Wilson, Stephanie Sesay, Abigail Jackson, Olivia Jackson and Adelaide Lawson) who first began their group as a zine. "We formed Born n Bread in 2013, during a time when we just didn't see ourselves in media, so we created our zine to have a space where we can discuss everything from nostalgic moments to current issues and music," they told Refinery29 via email. Being young, Black women is integral to the hip-hop, R & B, grime, and trap they spin. "It's innate within us. Growing up in our generation and surroundings, we were automatically immersed by these sounds, we love it! We had our cousins sharing grime beats with us, our parents blasting hi-life, slow jams and jazz and Choice FM and MTV Base ( The Late Lick Show), introducing us to the best in commercial R & B and hip-hop."
How They've Experienced Sexism In Music: "We feel as though when you're a female DJ, you're expected to play all the bubblegum pop, R & B, and hip-hop, instead of the hard-hitting underground trap and grime," they wrote. "You're expected to wear tight fitted clothes, look delicate and sweet, and people don't expect you to sweat. It's always a surprise to the crowd when they see us in the booth. We love to get down, move with the crowd and sweat along to our jams, enjoying the music. As female DJs, staff members and managers sometimes think you can't set up your own equipment. It's that feeling like women always need help, when in actual fact, we're fine."
How They Help Each Other: All five women work together on their zine and are always billed as one for their online and live events.
Where To Hear Them: The BORN n BREAD show streams live on NTS.live at 12 p.m. GMT one Saturday a month, you can find them on Mixcloud.com, and check their Facebook page for gigs at venues like London record store Rye Wax.
Photo: Courtesy ofBORN n BREAD.
Discwoman
Who They Are: Christine Tran, Frankie Hutchinson, and Emma Burgess-Olson (pictured, left to right) founded their New York-based platform and booking agency in 2014, beginning with a party at Brooklyn, NY's Bossa Nova Civic Club. They represent only cis female, trans, and gender queer DJs, and have brought their talent to parties in Boston, Detroit, San Juan, Puerto Rico, Montreal, and most recently to Miami's Winter Music Conference and a four-night stint in California. Their clients include DJ Haram, Volvox, Umfang (the DJ name of founder Burgess-Olson), and Bearcat.
How They've Experienced Sexism In Music: "Most of the misogyny I experience is very subtle, like people being surprised I'm smart and that we made Discwoman, LOL," Hutchinson told Refinery29 via email.
How They Help Each Other: "We can nourish each other, growth without fear of being laughed at when we make mistakes," Hutchinson said of the benefits of being an all-female collective. Since Discwoman started, "Things have definitely improved, but the women we rep and work with have been working for years, so they really formed Discwoman and inspired us to create this." For things to change further, however, Hutchinson said it's not just up to the artists. "Bookers need to book more women and stop seeing that as risky," she said.
Where To Hear Them: The question might soon be, "Where can't you hear them?" In the meantime, find their mixes on Soundcloud and upcoming parties on their Facebook feed, and Discwoman.com.
Photo: Courtesy ofDiscwoman.
TUF
Who They Are: They began as a Facebook group of nine women in Seattle just over a year ago, and have grown into a collective of female and non-binary promoters, curators, visual artists, DJs, producers, sound engineers, writers and designers. "The [Facebook] group was a place for us to share music and information about females in electronic music — we would share thoughts, tracks, and articles," Sharlese Metcalf, host of KEXP's Audioasis show, and Cecilia Corsano-Leopizzi, the marketing director and co-curator of Decibel Festival Action Potential, told Refinery29 via email. "We all were adding our friends into the group and at one point, we noticed that we went from nine to 20. Then someone saw a need for it to become a serious collective. All of us in the group were not only interested in music, but working in the NW music community in some way, so it seemed like a nice fit." Now they organize events, workshops, and skill shares. Some of the artists involved are Raica, Natasha Kmeto, Bardo:Basho, and Emily Cripe of Youryoungbody.
How They've Experienced Sexism In Music: While in general, Metcalf and Corsano-Leopizzi say that Seattle is much more welcoming of women, and less competitive than other cities' music scenes, sexism is still there. "For every three people that think a female non-binary person is awesome, there is always one in the bunch that says or does something that isn't right — that can be anything from going up to the person playing and touching the mixer, telling them their highs are too loud, to being told that they’re not a DJ for some various reason," they wrote to us. "It’s almost as if females are not even looked at or maybe they’re just forgotten about or just not respected enough to receive the due diligence that is deserved. A female non-binary DJ has to prove themselves before [being] respected, whereas men are honored on their 'potential.' It is not just given, and without gender meaning to play a role, favoritism and lack of awareness automatically falls into a male-dominated scene."
How They Help Each Other: "We all come together to provide strength in numbers and lift up one another, because the voice of many is louder than one," they said. "The kind of support that female DJs need is to share experiences, to teach [each] other the things they want to know more about, to give each other experiences in the field and advice on how to handle personal and business experiences that we may have questions or concerns about. To find out about the things we have in common or to just show up to a show that one of us has curated or is playing to offer support and soothe nerves. It’s about camaraderie, love, respect, and admiration, mainly because it feels good and helps strengthen, inspire, and motivate to be more and fly!"
Where To Hear Them: Though they say TUF tries to inhabit "DIY, non-official spaces in order to maintain the ability to control how safe the spaces are," you can find members performing at several official venues, such as Kremwerk, Chop Suey, and Re-Bar. Hit up their Facebook page for the latest.
Photo: Courtesy of TUF.
Siren London
Who They Are: With the motto, "No bullshit, just dancing," this London group of DJs, musicians, producers, journalists, and other industry professionals seeks to "normalise diversity" in lineups and behind the scenes, according to member Eve Fairley-Chickwe's recent essay on Gal-Dem.com. "At Siren, we wish to be inclusive of all marginalized genders outside of the current cis male dominated scene by creating a platform that gives visibility to systematically underrepresented women." They have a zine, host parties, and stream mixes online.
How They've Experienced Sexism In Music: Siren echoes the same frustration as their fellow collectives at the lack of female and female-identifying representation in clubs and festivals. Fairley-Chickwe adds that there's another layer of exclusion experienced by women of color in the industry. "For me as a woman of colour (WoC), tackling misogynoir and the [fetishization] of WoC within dance spaces is specifically important. Being a woman of colour in predominantly white spaces often comes with verbal and physical microaggressions from unwanted comments like, 'Yeah, but where are you from, from though?' to unwanted hands right up in your hair."
How They're Helping Each Other: By hosting parties for female artists, publishing their thoughts on the zine, and publicizing their "Safer Spaces Policy," which offers zero tolerance for harassment or discrimination of any kind.
Where To Hear Them: Listen to their Radio shows on Mixcloud and watch their Facebook for gigs at spaces like London's Rye Wax.
As strong as those coffee cravings are, many women who are pregnant or trying to become pregnant already know the advice to seriously limit their Starbucks runs. Now researchers are reporting that it's not just your caffeine intake, but also your partner's caffeine-related habits that may affect your chances for an early miscarriage.
In a new study, published online last week in the journal Fertility and Sterility, researchers followed 344 heterosexual couples for several weeks before and after they became pregnant. Each partner in each couple recorded how much caffeine, alcohol, and vitamins they had every day throughout the study.
Unfortunately, 98 of the couples — a little over a quarter of them — had miscarriages. Among those, women who were older than 35, didn't always take their vitamins, or drank more than two caffeinated drinks per day before becoming pregnant were more likely to lose their pregnancies during the study.
But perhaps the most interesting finding here was that women whose partners drank at least three caffeinated drinks every day were also more likely to have miscarriages. Both pregnant women and those women hoping to become pregnant are already advised to limit their caffeine intake. However, as the researchers here also measured caffeine intake before the couples became pregnant, these results suggest that the stimulant's effects on men (and potentially their sperm) may also have consequences.
Although this study shows that there's an association between caffeine intake and miscarriages, it can't conclusively prove that one leads to the other. Plus, for the most part, a daily coffee habit is totally safe and may even have health benefits. However, as this research suggests, there may be valid reasons for limiting the good stuff — especially if pregnancy is on your horizon.
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Models and reality stars alike ushered in the tiny-tattoo trend last year, but if the latest technique blowing up on Instagram is any indication, it's definitely on the way out. In a complete-180 turn of events, Cosmopolitan reports that people are tattooing their body parts entirely black. Sorry, delicate-ink lovers — this isn't for you.
Chester Lee, a tattoo artist in Singapore, recently posted an image of a woman with her chest area and arms tattooed pitch-black — a shot that has garnered 6,000 likes and counting. At first glance, the design looks like body paint, but it's actually the work of Lee's trusty tattoo gun. "That particular piece, I [had] been at it for couple of months, about 20-odd hours," Lee told Cosmopolitan.
Lee, who has been performing the tattoo method for about five years now, started his career doing more "basic" designs, but eventually decided to branch out. "I was doing traditional, old-school tattoos for a number of years, and I won an award for that, but I gradually got bored because of the boundaries that restrict the art itself," he told People. He notes that the technique is often used to cover up old ink.
Blackwork designs (covering your body with massive, black-tinted areas), are influenced by Polynesian tattoos as well as graphic art. So this is by no means a new trend. Regardless, we can't help but imagine how painful the process must be. And forget about covering this bad boy up in a couple of years — it's definitely a decision you should be 100% sure about.
We've reached out to a tattoo artist for comment and will update this post once we hear back.
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Some may argue that the entire point of going on vacation is to snap photos that will make others wish they were there. But, when celebrities go on holiday, those envy inducing photos are taken to another level.
We’re talking selfies on yachts, £7K-a-night Airbnbs, or insanely luxe hotels. That’s how you roll when you’re in the top-tier tax bracket, and naturally, you post the Instagrams to prove it. Ahead, we’ve rounded up our favourite glimpses into how the 1% really travels. Warning: You will want to book that bucket list trip after clicking through this.
Leave it to Nasty Gal's Sophia Amoruso to lounge in style — at Utah's super luxurious Amangiri resort. The gorgeous, desert hotel starts at £1,200 a night. Goodbye, savings.
Kim Kardashian posted this epic view while on a hike in Big Sur. Internet sleuths deduced that Kim (and Kanye) stayed at the beyond impressive Post Ranch Inn, where the cheapest room goes for around £550 a night.
Taylor Swift and boyfriend Calvin Harris celebrated their one-year anniversary with a romantic beach vacation. While it’s unclear which tropical paradise the couple picked, we do know their trip included jet skis, palm trees, and a water trampoline. #relationshipgoals
Selena Gomez and pals went on a tropical vacay and digital detox for New Year's Eve. She shared this snap after the vacation, stating that she left her phone at home — which is pretty damn impressive.
Gisele Bündchen is no stranger to tropical getaways. Her Instagram feed is full of inspiring vacation snaps. This one, where she's greeting the sunset in an infinity pool in Costa Rica, is one of our faves.
And now, for some definitive proof that there is no such thing as too much of a good thing. Especially if that thing is pictures of Zayn Malik. Or, at least, pictures of people who look like the spitting image of Zayn Malik, which this guy totally does.
Is that Zayn? No. That is not Zayn. That is Shyan Ranje, a self-described editor and stylist at Da Man magazine (what?) and Vulkan magazine. Furthermore: The following four photos are also not Zayn. They are all Shyan!
Just so we're all clear, though, there can be only one true Zayn. Although even he appears to be a little bit confused about having an unrelated twin wandering around the world. Or at least, that's what we're imagining this look on his face suggests. Either way, we're pretty sure Gigi is going to get a kick out of this whole twinning situation.
You likely don't want the ring you'll be wearing every day, forever, to be considered "trendy." The word, after all, implies that its stylishness has an expiration date and its lifespan is limited. Your engagement ring needs to be something you'll love as much 20 years from now as the day you received it, which probably explains why so many brides play it safe, opting for classic cuts and details.
But if you're wildly indecisive or overwhelmed by the sheer volume of options available, getting informed on the styles du jour could actually help narrow down your search for "the one" while helping you find a ring that feels both unique and timeless.
Even if saying "I do" isn't in your near future, the trends ahead are about to be clogging your Instagram feed and Facebook timeline. With the help of diamond expert and jewellery designer Neil Lane, we're calling the looks that will be huge for 2016, and the kinds of bling we're banking on seeing everywhere.
Halo Settings
Remember the Beyoncé song "Halo "? Now, you can see one on your left hand with this popular trend in engagement rings. "The halo setting (a soft outline of diamonds surrounding a larger centre stone) is so popular right now," says Lane. "Women love it because it offers a unique, elegant look while really enhancing the beauty of the centre stone."
Blanca Monrós Gómez Black Diamond Aura Ring, $2,050 (£1,430), available at Catbird.
Try a cool-girl moonstone with a ring of sparkling diamonds for something that stands out from the crowd.
Luna Skye Mini Moonstone & Diamond Ring, £861, available at Shopbop.
What's better than a single diamond halo? A triple threat.
TrueFacet 14K White Gold Round Halo Three Coloured Diamond Ring, $716 (£500), available at TrueFacet.
Fancy Cuts
While you're probably used to seeing traditional diamond cuts like round and princess, a more out-of-the-box style can give your ring a retro or contemporary feel. "Fancy cuts are another huge trend," Lane says. "Many brides-to-be today want to find a way to embrace tradition with a little twist, and fancy cuts, such as emerald, oval, and pear, let them do just that."
Erica Weiner Retro Emerald Cut Diamond Engagement Ring, £1,120, available at Erica Weiner.
Is there anything more regal than this pear-shaped, rose-cut gem with a white diamond band?
ManiaMania Ritual Solitaire Ring, AU $8,800 (£4,630), available at ManiaMania.
It's not every day you see an oval-cut diamond with such an intricately encrusted mixed-metal band.
Munnu Diamond, Gold & Silver Ring, £6,820, available at Barneys New York.
Cushion & Round Shapes
Speaking of fancy cuts, cushion is one that seems to be trending among celebrities — which means it's sure to show up all over the place in no time. "The cushion cut features a rectangular or square shape with rounded corners that really accentuates the beauty of the setting," Lane explains. "I’ve worked with a lot of celebrities that have requested this style, including Rachel Zoe and Jessica Simpson. And the classic round is always a favourite — I just worked with Ryan Phillippe and Jason Statham to design rings with this iconic shape."
This cushion-cut diamond is supported by little pear-shaped ones on either side, creating a simple, but glamorous vibe.
Macha Vintage Cut Diamond Ring, $3,990 (£2,790), available at Macha.
A vintage-inspired piece for the bride who doesn't want something cookie-cutter.
Anna Sheffield Round Cushion Rosette, $5,000 (£3,500), available at Anna Sheffield.
Personalisation
These days, anything goes — so if you want to break all the traditional rules of engagement rings, we say go for it. "To me, the most important trend is personalisation," Lane says. "It’s so exciting, because women today are so confident in their style and they want to celebrate that — especially in their engagement rings." We're all for it: Your ring should be a reflection of your own personal style, after all, and no one else's.
Wwake Sloped Arc Rose Cut Diamond Ring, $1,191 (£833), available at Wwake.
Experiment with colored stones, like a bright sapphire, alongside diamonds.
Mociun Stacked Sapphire Ring with White Pavé Diamonds, $995 (£696), available at Mociun.
The aforementioned halo trend takes shape here with a bunch of bold, blue sapphires for a ring that's truly one-of-a-kind.
Polly Wales Diamond and Blue Sapphire Split Halo Ring, £6,970, available at Polly Wales.
Rose Gold
Trends from runways and red carpets also tend to trickle into the engagement ring market, with one of the most notable examples being the prominence of rose gold. "[Rose gold] is perfect for bridal jewellery because it has such a romantic feel," Lane says. "And, it’s become so popular, whether alone, combined for a mixed-metal look, or as an accent to a more traditional setting."
Double up on the rose gold with this two-in-one stunner.
Bloomingdale's Diamond Double Row Ring, £861.20 £430.60, available at Bloomingdale's.
Why not get engaged with an opal, rather than a diamond? Less is more with this stacker that'll fit seamlessly with the rest of your everyday ring story.
Wren Opal Ring, $255 (£178), available at Iconery.
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In these post-Potter days (or pre, depending on your thoughts on The Cursed Child and Fantastic Beasts) fans have to find ways to keep the magical world alive. They can create fan fiction, work on their life-size replica of Hagrid's Hut, or delve deep into their rereads to come up with some amazing fan theories. Buzzfeed discovered a theory Tumblr user mynameisdavid23 came up with after rereading Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban.
He suggests that when Professor Trelawney, resident Divination buff, wouldn't sit down to Christmas dinner in the third book, thus making the table 13, and cursing the first one to die, she didn't know there might have already been 13 at the table. Ron's pet rat was actually a person, Peter Pettigrew, and he was often in his pocket. So when Dumbledore stood to offer her a seat, he condemned himself to death. And the "first of thirteen to get up" was a curse that followed (or, really, led) Sirius and Lupin to their graves.
If the theory is right, J.K. Rowling was giving us years to emotionally prepare ourselves for the demise of everyone's favourite magical principal. Not that we'd ever really be prepared for that.
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If you've ever had people tell you unicorns don't exist, you can point them to this new study and let them know they're wrong. Sort of.
New research from Russia's Tomsk State University, published in the American Journal of Applied Sciences, explains that scientists have located a fossilised skull from the so-called "Siberian unicorn." The Elasmotherium sibiricum remains , along with fossils from other mammals, were found in Kazakhstan's Pavlodar region.
Before you get too excited, though, you should know that the animal looked more like a rhinoceros than the traditional, horse-like unicorn you might be picturing. The so-called unicorn was about 6 feet tall, roughly 15 feet long, and weighed almost 9,000 pounds — which makes it biologically closer to the size of a woolly mammoth than to the size of a horse, ScienceAlert explains.
Aside from the fact that the creature had one horn, there's another reason the fossils are so fascinating for scientists. The skull proves that the Elasmotherium sibiricum was active on Earth just 29,000 years ago. Before these findings, experts believed the creature became extinct 350,000years ago.
Scientists are now studying how, exactly, the "unicorn" species was able to live for so long, science, research, and technology website, Phys.org reports.
It may not get the buzz that New York, London, Milan, and Paris do, but Seoul Fashion Week isn't messing around. And not just because the show schedule is filled with young designers presenting innovative, otherworldly collections. The street style in the South Korean city is unlike any other: Here, colour, pattern, and texture reign supreme — trends are adopted and reworked, and accessories, from hats and earrings down to bags and shoes, are taken very seriously.
Plus, the aesthetics are so diverse — from streetwear and K-pop to tailored and kawaii — it seems that no two outfits are ever alike (that is, of course, unless matching is part of the look). Forget Fashion Month fatigue, because this dispatch of Seoul street style deserves an A+. What better reminder that getting dressed is supposed to be fun than an influx of florals, silky bombers, and cute accoutrements from one of the coolest sartorial capitals of the world?
Wearing a matching suit set may seem daring enough — but look how fun it is when it's adorned in quirky, colourful illustrations.
Two playful takes on two old reliables: Trade in your classic black leather jacket for a colourful option (like a light pink), and give your jean jacket a special touch by adding some patches or pins.
Photographed by Celine Hong.
Style muse: Justin Bieber.
Photographed by Celine Hong.
When the whole crew nails that "model off-duty" look...
Photographed by Celine Hong.
Athletic socks and platform heels? Now that's an unexpected combo we can get behind.
About two years ago, my near-engagement fell apart. I wasn’t just sad; I was vehemently angry. I not only cried, but I lashed out. I spent large portions of my days in a cloud of my own dark thoughts — dazed and confused. I managed to hold down a full-time managerial job, and for a while, I was able to keep up with social obligations. I sought professional therapy, but it wasn’t enough. So, I leaned on my closest friends, probably too much. Eventually, one by one, they dropped off.
Here’s what I learned the hard way: Mental illness is one of the last true societal taboos. Although we’ve made progress in talking about mental health issues, which include everything from depression and anxiety to addiction, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia, the stigma of mental illness remains. But fighting that stigma starts with simply caring for the people around us.
While people tend to rally around one another in times of tangible need — say, the loss of a loved one or a major physical illness — mental illness scares some people. It angers them. You can’t see depression the way you can see the symptoms of cancer or kidney disease. It affects the brain, which affects behavior, so it often gets dismissed as "drama." But “depression is a mental and a physical disease," says Deborah Serani, PhD, a psychologist in Smithtown, NY. “It is not a result of laziness, attention-seeking, or weakness. Research points to specific neurobiological origins. To tell a depressed person to just 'snap out of it' or 'shake it off' is just like saying this to someone who lives with diabetes or muscular dystrophy.”
You can’t see depression the way you can see the symptoms of cancer or kidney disease.
Even if someone wants to help in general, it’s not uncommon for them to back away when the real, damaging symptoms appear. Depression is depressing. Who wants to be depressed?
“I can’t have this conversation anymore. It just cycles,” one of my best friends said. And she was right; cycling thoughts — the inability to roll an idea around in your head until you come to a logical conclusion — is a hallmark of depression (as well as many anxiety disorders). “I need to surround myself with positive people,” proclaimed another close, intimate friend, who had recently become pregnant. When I tried win her back, she told me to stop being “so emo.”
But I’m not talking about just “feeling sad.” Sadness is spending a weekend in your pajamas watching Netflix amidst a sea of your own junk food wrappers, or a couple of weeks of tear-soaked blues after a bad breakup. “Everyone gets the blues,” Dr. Serani says. “But if you’re feeling sad, irritable, or depressed for more than two weeks, that’s the defining line for a clinical disorder.”
The exact symptoms of clinical depression may be different for different people. But for me, true depression means I can’t get out of bed, literally, for days. And when I do, it’s because I’ve mustered all the energy inside me just to relocate to the couch. I can’t remember the last time I showered or brushed my teeth, because my mind is consumed with doomsday scenarios: No one understands me. There’s no hope for me. Nothing means anything, and my life is over. I’m fighting against a "reality" that isn't real — and depression usually wins.
In a moment I’m not proud of, I reacted to a third friend’s engagement with snark, instead of joy — which was unusual for me. This friend had worked hard for her happiness. She's a warrior who battled cancer six years ago at age 24. Though she was understandably absent from my life during this period, I did everything I could to support her, including raising money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Foundation and running the New York City Half Marathon in support of her fight (she finished the race before me — a testament to her strength).
But after I crapped on her happy news — and quickly apologized profusely, reminding her I was not in a healthy state of mind — she wrote me off completely. I even tried to educate her about depression’s stranglehold on a person’s emotions and actions, to no avail. “Many [people suffering bouts of clinical depression] say things they normally would not say,” says Melinda Gallagher, PhD, a psychologist in New York City. "It’s important that loved ones understand this as a symptom of the disorder and that with treatment and time, she will feel better and more like herself.”
So, if it’s the sufferer’s job to seek help during a serious case of clinical depression, what’s the role of friends, family, and other loved ones who feel helpless, drained, or overwhelmed? It's simple. Dr. Gallagher says the simple gesture of acting with compassion can go a long way toward healing. That means doing your best to understand the emotional state of this person you love and what they’re going through, even — especially — if doesn’t make sense to you.
You don’t have to fix someone with depression. That's not your job. You don’t even have to interact with that person if it’s too much for you. But if you truly do love the person and you want to maintain a relationship in the long run, listen with compassion, that desire to understand, and help in the ways you actually can. Communicate your boundaries with compassion. Don’t take the illness as a personal affront and certainly don't abandon them; that's probably the worst way to react.
You don’t have to fix someone with depression. That's not your job.
The best you can do is have empathy and trust that they'll come through the other side. Eventually, you'll recognise them again, and you'll remember that they're a person — not an illness.
As for me, I’ve taken a fair amount of time to reflect on what my friends may have been feeling as I indulged my impulses to heal through oversharing (something I was unable to do in a heightened emotional state). And I get it. No matter how much someone loves me, they also needs to love themselves — and that can involve drawing boundaries when they feel my depression is overwhelming. As their friend, I’m required to love enough to understand and accept that.
But there have also been the friends who have stuck it out with me all along: Incredible women who not only stood by me during the worst of times, but also took time out of their busy days to check in on me daily, visit me, listen to me, and even try to distract me. At first, I called them my “true friends.” But I no longer think that distinction is fair. In fact, it’s a bit obnoxious.
The truth is, everyone does what they need to do to get by, whether that means backing off or stepping up to the plate. I don’t think any of the friends who abandoned me during my low points love me any less. I certainly don’t love them any less. But now, I realise we all do the best we can. The best I can do right now is to help spread awareness about an affliction that affects so many of us. And you know what? Doing my part to fight the stigma about it makes me happy.
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Of course, Muslim women have been interested in fashion for years, though leading designers and international brands have only very recently recognised the significance of this crucial consumer group. Indeed, it’s been said that the fashion industry would likely have already “collapsed without their patronage. ”
And today, that’s all the more accurate. According to the 2015-2016 State of the Global Islamic Economy Report, Muslim consumers spend an estimated $230bn on clothing, estimated to reach $327bn by 2019. That’s more than the current clothing markets of the UK ($107bn), Germany ($99bn) and India ($96bn) combined.
Reina Lewis, Professor of Cultural Studies at London College of Fashion UAL and author of Muslim Fashion: Contemporary Style Culturesrecently said: “For years the mainstream fashion industry [has been] missing a trick.”
But it's likely it won't for much longer. Last week it was announced that Marks & Spencer would be stocking burkinis in their UK stores, Dolce & Gabbana have unveiled an abaya collection and Uniqlo recently released a range of hijabs and “modest wear” designed by British-Japanese designer Hana Tajima. DKNY, Oscar de la Renta, Tommy Hilfiger and Mango have also designed one-off collections around Ramadan.
Photo: Marks & Spencer
‘Muslim Fashion’ is reportedly one of the industry’s fastest growing sectors, estimated to be worth more than £200 billion by 2020. And with 29% of the global population projected to be Muslim by 2030, the importance of appealing to this demographic is clear.
‘Muslim fashion’ is about far more than just wearing (or not wearing) a hijab, but about facilitating a ‘modest’ way of dressing. One that isn’t always easy to access in Western stores. “Mainstream fashion tends to be more geared towards something that is a very sexualised version of what beauty is,” explained Uniqlo’s modest wear designer, Hana Tajima.
As a result of demand and not much supply, a growing number of Muslim designers have been starting their own, often massively popular labels and portals such as Modanisa, a Net-a-Porter type website for women who want to dress modestly.
Shelina Janmohamed, co-founder of Ogilvy-Noor, the world’s first bespoke Islamic Branding agency explains: “There’s a growing Muslim middle class who love brands and love consumption. They’re looking for brands to reach out to them, and if they don’t, they’re going to be left behind by the ones that do.”
So it appears they are trying. Uniqlo has been praised for collaborating with a Muslim designer (rather than a non-Muslim designer, designing for a Muslim audience) and Dolce & Gabbana is equally pioneering in that it’s the first time a global luxury brand has created a new product specifically for Muslim consumers, even promoting it as part of their mainstream media presence with abayas featuring heavily on their Instagram account alongside the usual mix of backstage shots and catwalk collections.
Shelina explains that it’s this shift to understanding that Muslim women want to be included in brand communications that’s particularly groundbreaking, citing H&M’s use of veiled model Mariah Idrissi in one of their 2015 campaigns.
But, as Mariah herself tells us, it’s the marketing side that still needs improvement. “When the advert first came out everyone said: “OMG you’re the first Muslim model in hijab!’ And I was like: ‘really?’ It’s a bit shocking that it’s never happened until 2015.”
Photo: Uniqlo
Indeed, the importance of marketing is arguably just as important as the designs themselves in catering to a Muslim demographic. “You can compare it to catering to plus size women. What is almost more important than separate ranges is actual representation of women who aren’t a size 6… Having a range is just one small part of it,” explains Nafisa Bakkar, co-founder of amaliah.co.uk, a curated platform for Muslim fashionistas.
It’s not abnormal that fashion brands are targeting different demographics. As Susan Sabet, founder and editor of Pashion Magazine, an Arabic and English language fashion magazine explains: “This is just a continuation of the data-driven marketing strategies implemented before in key luxury markets such as Japan, India and China. Now it’s the Middle East’s turn.” And it’s only natural that brands go where the money is.
And, with global trends – fashion and otherwise – ever quicker, these days, to spread, fashion is in itself becoming more of a melting pot, taking inspiration from different sources and cultures – the Middle East included – whether consciously or not.
Society, and the fashion industry, has played a role in hypersexualising women and establishing revealing clothing on size zero, mainly white models, as the standard. Whatever the motivation, the industry is at least trying to be more inclusive, and that can only be a good thing.
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This morning the full line up for Glastonbury was announced via their Twitter. Beyond the stellar British headliners - Muse, Adele and Coldplay - there was another reason to feel good about the world's biggest music festival. We're of course talking about the amount of female acts decorating this year's poster.
From household names like Ellie Goulding, Cyndi Lauper, Annie Mac, PJ Harvey and Grimes to rising young things Låpsley and NAO who snagged a place of BBC's Sound of 2016 shortlist, the bill is bursting with female talent. Then there's Lady Leshurr and Little Simz, the first ladies of UK rap, who'll be joined by Natasha Khan of Bat For Lashes, pop-princess Dua Lipa, post-punkers Savages, indie risers Hinds, and soul star Laura Mvula. Female fronted bands such as Chvrches, Wolf Alice and Saint Etienne make an appearance too.
The line-up is particularly pertinent as it comes after last year's backlash over the lack of female acts playing at festivals. Images of Reading and Leeds festival bills with the male acts photo-shopped out left a shocking and pitifully near-empty poster in its place. Many asked why, when the UK in particular is bursting at the seams with female musical talent, do we still under represent women so flagrantly?
Glasto organiser Emily Eavis (daughter of founder Michael Eavis) vowed earlier this year that more women would be taking centre stage. In January, Emily told Vice: “We are strong on women this year, I have to say...There are loads of great female MCs coming through this year which is quite exciting.”
It's a promising step in the right direction, and while we wait for all of the other acts yet to be announced that will fill the 150 Somerset stages, here's hoping that other festivals start marching to the beat of Glasto's drum...
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Suddenly, out of nowhere, all of my friends are buying flats and houses. Houses. Not Lego ones. Real ones made from bricks.
I say ‘out of nowhere’ but of course to them, it’s come out of months of hard work. Months of stressful meetings with mortgage advisors and banks, months of daily proof that estate agents are Satan in pointy loafers sent to test us, months of scrimping and spreadsheets, tense debates with partners in unfamiliar coffee shops and weighing up which they care more about: having a postcode that doesn’t make them weep a bit every time they type it into Amazon, or a bedroom that doesn’t also double up as the kitchen.
It’s a pretty amazing feat, to have managed to get onto the first rung of the property ladder despite the ladder basically, these days, being covered in butter and starting halfway up an icy mountain inhabited by wolves – and I am chuffed for them. Not least because I plan to enjoy barbecues in their gardens all summer, and stay in their spare rooms when I can’t be arsed to dust my own.
No, I mean ‘out of nowhere’ for ME – because I had kind of assumed we would all just rent forever. For those of us who are only just getting round to keeping our money in an ISA rather than our wardrobes and the pockets of local bartenders, this late-20s property splurge is a scary twist in the millennial tale. It’s the bit in the dream where everyone has secretly studied for the exam except you, and then you realise you are naked and everybody points and laughs, especially Sarah Beeny.
I thought that instead of finding ways and means to invest in bricks and mortar, we were all going to just keep renting and spend our money on elaborate brunches and crowdfunding cool new apps. Wasn’t that the plan, guys? Guys? GUUUYS?
But hey, it isn’t all doom and rising damp for tenants. For every “renting is just throwing money away!!!” (to which the official retort is always: “god you’re RIGHT, so will you give me 30k for a deposit?”), there’s a broken boiler we don’t have to fix, and stamp duty we don’t have to pay. And while no other options are open to us, we may as well look on the bright side of being Generation Rent – because if we don’t laugh, we’ll cry.
Here are some reasons to be glad you’re not on the property ladder yet.
When your oven explodes, your ceiling caves in or a storm blows half your roof off, you do not need to pay for it.
Because buried somewhere under the panic of that phone call to your landlord explaining that you’re knee-high in debris and detritus and could they send a builder over asap please if it’s not too much trouble, there is a small, Nelson-from- The-Simpsons -ish voice saying “HA-HA!” Embrace that small voice. Hold it close. This is not your circus, and you don’t need to foot the bill for the monkeys.
You can always move on a whim.
Give or take a break clause or finding somebody sane from Spare Room to replace you, you can be out of there in a relative jiffy. You can move for ridiculous, indulgent reasons like there is a really good brunch place two miles away, or your GP’s surgery always smells like feet. You can go on holiday, fall in love with a whole new city and immediately move there for a year or five, without worrying about the mortgage on that semi-detached in Maidenhead you’re tied to forever. You won’t, of course, but you still could.
Photo: Getty
You can blame your landlord’s terrible taste for everything.
When you live in a rented flat and have a horrible carpet, nobody judges you. “Ew, look at our horrible carpet!” you can say cheerfully when people come over. "Gross, isn’t it?" But if you own that horrible carpet, you assume responsibility. Nevermind that you just shelled out Kardashian-level dollar to buy the place and don’t have a whole bundle left over for sanding down hardwood floors – you’re still the guys who have a horrible carpet. That carpet is all on you.
But you still get to tart it up superficially.
People who think rental homes have to be soulless magnolia boxes are fools. With a little imagination, a few decent charity shops and a box of Command damage-free picture hanging strips, anywhere can look and feel like home. Sofas can be covered, lampshades can be changed, that dubious brown stain can be concealed with an artful frame cluster. You know what’s much less fun home makeover? Dry rot.
Photographed by Anna-Alexia Basile
You do not need to know how much a mattress costs.
Apparently, and as a renter I can’t absolutely confirm this isn’t a lie, a decent mattress costs hundreds of pounds. Many hundreds. Over a thousand, I’m told, for the really top-notch fancy mattresses that won’t leave your spine bent like a pretzel. But as a tenant in a pre-furnished rental, you get to live in blissful ignorance, assuming that when the time comes you can probs get a mattress for about £34.99 from Argos, or just find one in a skip. The same is true for sofas, fridges, bathroom fittings and curtains. Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know.
Photographed by Anna-Alexia Basile
Our ‘worst case scenario’ is still fairly comforting.
You know the one – the worst case scenario in which if everything went completely to shit and you lost your job, ran out of money and couldn’t pay your rent, you could still technically move back in with your parents or some other kindly relative. Technically. It’s the back-up plan of back-up plans but you still like to have it there, tucked away at the back of your mind like an emotional crash mat. Factor in mortgage repayments, though, and the worst case scenario becomes a whole lot more depressing.
Estate agents will not destroy your relationship.
You could still break up for a million other reasons, obviously. But at least you will never realise that your love has died while screaming at each other about subsidence cracks in front of Gavin from Strutt & Parker.
Photographed by Maria Del Rio
You never bore people to death talking about cavity wall insulation over dinner.
Or surveyor’s fees. Or grouting. Or Japanese knot weeds. Nobody ever steers people away from you at parties, saying “I wouldn’t – she’s got Farrow & Ball swatches.”
The dinner you’re not boring people to death over can be somewhere really great, rather than a suburban branch of Bella Italia.
You’re eating somewhere that doesn’t have a laminated menu, in a neighbourhood that people actively travel to for reasons more immediate than ‘good school catchment areas.’ That is a giant plus, my friend. Drink it down like on-tap Negroni.
Photographed by Eric Helgas
You (hopefully) live somewhere you really love.
Even as a cash-strapped renter, chances are you still live somewhere you could never dream of living as a homeowner. Maybe you have a killer view, or a park right on your doorstep. Maybe you’re three steps from a station that gets you to work in a sweet 15 minutes. Maybe the flat itself has tiled fireplaces or moulded cornices that make your pulse beat a little quicker, but in the real world would come with an impossible price tag. You might live in the kind of houseshare where people bring you bacon sandwiches in bed when you’re hungover, and let you borrow their fanciest shoes. Perhaps you buy your milk in the same corner shop as Dame Judi Dench. Count these blessings, for they have value all of their own. Count them, and recite them to muffle out the sound of people telling you that property prices in Godalming have tripled since Tuesday. There you go.
Photographed by Bek Andersen
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Another day, another Drake leak. As the world sits and waits for Drizzy to finally drop his new album Views From The 6 (supposedly in April but, let's face it, who the hell really knows?) two tracks – that may or may not be from the album – have appeared online today. "Contralla" is quite a standard Drake number. But it's the other one that really intrigues. Drake has decided to put out a cover of "These Days", a song by '60s folky type (and your mum's favourite singer) Jackson Browne. The song, which has been covered by everyone from St Vincent to Elliott Smith (although Nico really made the definitive version), might at first seem like an odd choice for the rapper. But, looking back, we should be used to his left field choices of covers and samples by now. In fact, he has borrowed from more than a few tracks that you'd find happily nestled in your parents' record collection. I mean, we all know he loves a dad dance but this is next level stuff. Just take a look at this lot.
"Doing It Wrong" by Drake
Technically this song from 2011's Take Care borrows from not one but two songs by this MOR favourite...But who is it?
Photo: Getty
"The Wrong Thing To Do" by Don McLean
The "American Pie" singer is the very definition of easy listening. As well as using this song, Drake also nicks a bit of McLean's "When A Good Thing Goes Bad" (superfan!) One of the comments below this track on YouTube nicely sums up its appeal: "This sounds like a song that would be on at the end of a House episode." Spot on.
Photo: Getty
"Come Winter" by Drake
This song is dedicated to Canada and love in a cold climate. But wait, whose crooning is that in the background?
Photo: Getty
"Autumn Leaves" by Eva Cassidy
It's only singer-songwriter Eva Cassidy, who first came to the British public's attention two years after her death in 1996 when Terry Wogan started playing her version of "Fields of Gold" on BBC Radio 2, which I'm beginning to think is Drizzy's favourite station.
Photo: Getty
"Let's Call It Off" by Drake
Which twee threesome did Drizzy sample for this track from his 2009 mixtape So Far Gone?
Photo: Getty
"Let's Call It Off" by Peter, Bjorn and John
OK, so you may have liked "Young Folk", aka the song from every promo ever made, for a nanosecond, but your Dad still plays this record at get togethers. "Let's Call It Off" was the other single from their album Writer's Block and the one that really caught Drake's attention.
Photo: Getty
"Take Care" by Drake featuring Rihanna
OK, the most obvious sample used here is Jamie XX's "I'll Take Care Of You" but he also pinches from something a lot less cool.
Photo: Getty
"It's My Party" by Lesley Gore
As well as being used in "Take Care" this song by Lesley Gore, who died last year, has soundtracked endless sweet sixteen parties. Probably including your mum's.
Photo: Getty
"Juice" by Drake
This track made an appearance on an early mixtape and is a slightly forgotten favourite. But which singer-songwriter has he borrowed that beat from?
Photo: Getty
"Tom's Diner" by Suzanne Vega
Ah it's Suzanne Vega, the folk favourite that your dad probably took your mum to see on their third date.
Photo: Getty
"Extra Special" by Drake
This is taken from Drake's very first mixtape, Room for Improvement, that he put out in 2006. But which family favourite does he sample?
Photo: Getty
"My Cherie Amour" by Stevie Wonder
Your parents totally played this at their wedding. The soundtrack to a thousand first dances.
Photo: Getty
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How can sex be better for young women? More pleasurable and less dangerous, actually empowering rather than a way to validate self-worth, less fraught with pressure, and frankly, more fun? That’s the investigation undertaken by Peggy Orenstein in her new book released today, aptly titled Girls & Sex. Though it doesn’t claim to have all the answers, Orenstein’s exploration, for which she interviewed more than 70 young American women, raises many insightful and important questions — even if they might make most teenagers bolt from the room.
Author of several bestselling books on different aspects of girlhood, including Cinderella Ate My Daughter (about girlie-girl culture) and Schoolgirls (about the confidence gap), Orenstein is a mother herself, and approaches the topic of sex among teen girls as a curious, concerned, and, yes, “cool” mom. While a certain amount of handwringing is to be expected from any mom, regardless of her generation, Orenstein approaches her subjects on their own terms, and comes away from their conversations with valuable intel from the front lines of teenage sex.
From the consequences of selfie culture to the tyranny of virginity, here are the seven most crucial takeaways Orenstein serves up about girls and sex.
Everything from bad sex to low self-esteem can be traced back — in part — to our failure to teach girls how to achieve and value pleasure.
Remember when you discovered the clitoris? It probably wasn’t when female anatomy was covered in sex-ed. What Orenstein calls “psychological clitorectomy,” or hiding the truth from girls that sex should feel good, allows boys’ pleasure (which has much more obvious signs) to take priority during sex.
“Those classic diagrams of a woman’s reproductive system...blur into a grey Y between the legs, as if the vulva and the labia, let alone the clitoris, don’t exist. Imagine not cluing a 12-year-old boy into the existence of his penis! And whereas males’ puberty is characterised by ejaculation, masturbation, and the emergence of a near-unstoppable sex drive, females’ is defined by...periods. And the possibility of unwanted pregnancy.”
According to studies Orenstein cites, in place of physical pleasure, it’s often the absence of pain and their partner’s pleasure that stand in as measurements for sexual satisfaction among young women.
“If a girl goes into an encounter hoping it won’t hurt, wanting to feel close to her partner, and expecting that he will have an orgasm, then she’ll be satisfied if those criteria are met. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel close to a partner or wanting him to be happy, but ‘absence of pain’ is pretty low bar for your own physical fulfilment.”
Whether girls consider virginity as something precious to be protected or a rite of passage to rush through, it overemphasises the milestone of vaginal sex over other sexual acts and encourages girls to orient their self-worth around whether or not they’ve had sex.
It’s not just girls with religious upbringings for whom sex is a no-turning-back milestone. After spending time with girls who pledge to remain chaste, Orenstein reflects, “[These] girls who are ‘virgins for god’ weren’t really so different from those who imagined virginity as a ‘gift’ or even those who saw it as an embarrassment: they all believed that one sexual act would magically transform them — for better or worse — and they all risked harm to their sexual and emotional development as a result. They all based their worth, calibrated their self-respect, and judged other girls’ characters (tacitly or overtly) based on what was happening, or not happening, between their legs.
“By focusing on virginity, young people minimise (and often rush through) other forms of sexual expression, denying themselves the very opportunities for knowledge and experience that they seek.”
Truth: The internet is full of porn, and a lot kids are watching it; for many, it’s their first exposure to sex. Here’s what’s real:
“Among teenage boys, regular porn use has been correlated with seeing sex as purely physical and regarding girls as ‘play things.’” In the words of one woman Orenstein talked to, a college sophomore, “[Boys] think they’re supposed to do this hammer-in-and-out thing and that’s what girls like. They don’t realise, ‘Dude, that does not feel good.' It’s all they know. It’s what they see.”
As for girls, Orenstein writes, “On one hand, the girls I met knew porn was about as realistic as pro wrestling, but that didn’t stop them from consulting it as a guide… [One] 11th-grader [confided], ‘I watch porn because I’m a virgin and I want to figure out how sex works.’”
These are just examples; obviously there are many ways in which porn consumption affects approaches to sex for men and women of all ages. But particularly for teenagers just discovering sex, Orenstein does admit, “Watching natural-looking people engaging in sex that is consensual, mutually pleasurable, and realistic may not be harmful — heck, it might even be a good idea.” While it’s not a point she feels comfortable exploring here, given the prevalence of porn use among what Orenstein calls “Generation XXX,” it’s worth asking: How and what kind of porn could actually help girls value their own pleasure, particularly if they’re not being taught to do so by anyone else?
According to Orenstein, social media encourages many girls to commodify themselves as brands and objects to be liked based on their sex appeal, and she isn’t so sure that “empowered” pop divas like Beyoncé, Nicki Minaj, and Miley Cyrus, are helping.
“The girls I met with talked about feeling both powerful and powerless while dressed in revealing clothing, using words like liberating, bold, boss, bitch, and desirable, even as they expressed indignation over the constant public judgment of their bodies. They felt simultaneously that they actively chose a sexualised image — which was nobody’s damned business but their own — and that they had no choice.”
The young women Orenstein spoke to pointed to female pop stars as role models, but Orenstein isn’t so sure that’s the best idea. “Female artists, they insist, are taking control...of a hypersexualised industry that too often exploits women. Yes, these women may be products, but they are also producers… They’re shrewd strategists, spinning commodified sexuality as a choice, one that may be profitable but is no less constraining, ultimately, either to female artists or to regular girls. So the question is... why the fastest route to the top as a woman in a sexist entertainment world (just as for ordinary girls on social media) is to package your sexuality, preferably in the most extreme, attention-getting way possible.”
The internet serves as a double-edged sword for LGBTQ teens: a source of cyberbullying to which they disproportionately fall victim, but also a much-needed avenue for self-discovery.
Citing a 2013 study, Orenstein writes, “[LGBTQ teens] experience cyberbullying at three times the rate of heterosexuals — girls more often than boys. Yet LGBTQ kids turn to the web for information and support — crucial for a population whose attempted suicide rate is five times that of other teens. Over half of LGBTQ young people who were not out in person used the internet to connect virtually with others like them, according to the report. More than one in 10 disclosed their sexual identity to someone online before telling anyone in the ‘real’ world, and over a quarter were more out on the internet than they were in their offline lives. Ideally, queer teens wouldn’t need to resort to trolling gay chat rooms for information or acceptance. At the same time, the internet has provided an unprecedented pathway to normalising and embracing sexual identity.”
Ordering a pizza is actually a perfect metaphor for sexual consent.
You may have heard this one before; it comes from a renowned Philadelphia educator named Al Vernacchio (profiled in The New York Times Magazine in 2011). But it bears repeating because it’s just too good. Sex as it compares to ordering a pizza, in Orenstein’s words:
“Both start with internal desire — with hunger, with appetite. In both cases, you may decide, for any number of reasons, that it’s not the right time to indulge. If you do proceed, there should be some discussion, some negotiation — maybe you like pepperoni and your dining companion doesn’t, so you go halfsies, or agree that one person will get his pick next time, or choose a different topping altogether — and a good-faith effort to satisfy everyone involved. There is no rounding the bases metaphor, no striking out. The emphases are on desire, mutual consent, communication, collaboration, process, and shared enjoyment.”
Maybe we should all just move to the Netherlands. No, really.
According to a study Orenstein cites of American and Dutch women at two similar colleges, “[The] Americans, much like the ones I met, described interactions that were ‘driven by hormones,’ in which boys determined relationships, male pleasure was prioritised, and reciprocity was rare. As for the Dutch girls? Their early sexual activity took place in loving, respectful relationships in which they communicated openly with their partners (whom they said they knew ‘very well’) about what felt good and what didn’t, about how ‘far’ they wanted to go, and about what kind of protection they would need along the way. They reported more comfort with their bodies and their desires than the Americans and were more in touch with their own pleasure.”
Their secret? As reported in the study, teachers, doctors, and especially parents spoke candidly with the Dutch girls about sex and pleasure, and both “the joys and responsibilities of intimacy.”
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Unless you're a Twilight fanatic, it's probably been a minute since you've thought about Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson dating. But it's time to drudge up that forgotten romance because there is now a connection to Stewart's current rumoured relationship. And this dating overlap proves just how small the dating pool is in Hollywood.
For the past few weeks, Stewart has been seen out with French musician, singer, and actress Stéphanie Sokolinski, more commonly known by her stage name SoKo. Well, in an interview uncovered from a year ago, she apparently also went on a date with Pattinson when she first moved to Los Angeles.
Talk about a small world.
SoKo explained the situation in an interview with the music blog A Music Blog, Yea? In the interview, SoKo was asked what it was like moving to L.A., and if she knew anyone. She said she didn't, "just one person, a photographer I had worked with for Vogue." But, as a risk-taker, she says, she wasn't nervous or anxious about the move.
" Yeah, it was the best thing ever!" she said. "Three nights in, I went out and met a girl who was like ‘ Hey, I like your music, I work for a label and we would love to sign you. Where are you staying, do you need a place to stay?’ and I was like ‘ Yeah I do ’ That same night I had a blind date with Robert Pattinson!"
SoKo also said she ended up in L.A. after she had a dream that she needed to live there. And it seems like it all worked out. " I love it!," she said in the interview. "It was 100% what I was supposed to do, and that's just because of a dream!"
Recently, SoKo also all but confirmed her relationship status with Stewart while promoting her new art project and zine, Sextagram, in which she printed all the DM's she got on Instagram into a zine.
In a recent interview with W Magazine, when asked how she would phrase a date invitation through a DM, SoKo said she doesn't have plans to do that anytime soon. "I think if I was in the need of doing that right now, I would totally be able to come up with something," she told W. "But I’m very, very, very in love and very happy in a relationship, so I don’t have that urge."
She also said she and Stewart did not meet online (which makes sense as Stewart is not big on social media.) SoKo called their initial meeting "very OG." The two have been photographed together multiple times now in both Paris and Los Angeles.
Snapchat reigns in the world of face swaps, but its chat system has always seemed like an afterthought, especially when you compare it to Facebook Messenger. Yet the app's latest update, available today, takes Chat to the next level.
Chat 2.0 introduces three brand new features: video chat and audio calls, video and audio notes, and stickers.
The first of these is self-explanatory: you tap the call or video button, located above the keyboard, to talk to or video chat with a friend. This doesn't add a whole lot to the Snapchat experience, but it is nice to have the option to quickly call someone after looking at their Snap without having to leave the app.
Video and audio notes, which you access by pressing and holding down the video or call button, let you send a short video or audio recording. If you really want a friend to see the same sunset you're seeing, for example, you can now message a 10 second video clip their way. Also, voicemail-like notes don't seem to have a time limit.
Again, this isn't a major step above what you can already do in other messaging platforms, but it does help make Snapchat a more all-inclusive app by seamlessly bringing together audio, video, and photo.
The best part of Snapchat's update is probably the option to send stickers. While some stickers are already available for you to use to decorate your snaps, there are plenty of new options that you can now include in your messages (many of these include images of adorable animals such as dogs and sloths). You can also type a word such as "love", then press the sticker button (also found above the keyboard) to see if there are any stickers that are a fit.
Photo: Courtesy Snapchat.
"What we love most about the new Chat is how easily you can transition between all these ways of communicating — just like you do in person," Snapchat said in a release regarding the update. "When that’s possible, you aren’t texting, calling, or video chatting… you’re just talking."
We'll have to wait to see if the app, which has primarily established itself as a photo sharing platform, is able to conquer the messaging world, too. Ultimately, Chat 2.0 seems like a smart attempt to do so.
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Photo: Brent Stirton/Getty Images for the Global Business Coalition against Aids.
Vansa loves school. Her eyes lit up as she told me about how she dreamed of becoming a physician so she could help her community of Ggaba, a low-income area just south of Uganda’s capital, Kampala. “I’m smarter than the boys in my class,” the 13-year-old stated proudly, “and I get better marks, too.”
But, as the eldest of six siblings, she was expected to help her mother sell goods at the market each morning, and take care of her younger sisters and brothers in the evenings. The quality of education at public secondary schools in her area was so poor that the only option would be to attend a private school outside her district for high school. She feared she would not be able to stay in school beyond the following year, since school fees were unaffordable to her family and would take her away from her income-earning and care-taking duties. Despite her high grades and ambitions, the boys in her family were prioritised for further education.
Vansa’s story is all too common, especially in the developing world. During adolescence, factors such as menstruation, gender-based violence, and early pregnancy and marriage force many girls to drop out of school. Other obstacles prevent girls from even making it to school in the first place, including poverty, disability, cultural practices, and being affected by conflict or emergencies.
I met Vansa in 2014, while working for BRAC, a nonprofit group working to fight poverty. While gender parity in education has improved, the U.S. government estimates that more than 62 million girls are missing from classrooms worldwide.
A 2014 report from the United Nations Educational, Scientific, and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) shows that in Sub-Saharan Africa, boys are expected to achieve universal primary completion by 2046. However, there will only be universal primary completion for the region's poorest girls by 2086.
Improving access to education for girls across the globe requires action and progress on multiple fronts. Ahead, a look at some of the factors keeping girls out of school today.
Early pregnancy
Early pregnancy is one of the leading causes of girls dropping out of secondary school. The financial costs and practical considerations of a baby place incredible demands on adolescent mothers living in poverty. They must care for their infant while likely handling a heavy burden of domestic chores and working to earn income. Few teen girls caught in this predicament are able to continue their studies, even if they want to go back to school. Besides the severe psychological impact, early pregnancy is also a major contributor to maternal mortality rates in many countries.
The United States has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the developed world — though it has declined considerably in recent years. 30% of American girls who drop out of high school cite pregnancy or parenthood as their reason for leaving school.
In areas like rural Tanzania and Rajasthan, India, where early pregnancy is common, various programs have found that creating “safe spaces” where girls in school and out of school can gather to discuss problems, receive mentorship and social support, and learn life skills is an effective model for ensuring the sexual and reproductive rights and agency of girls. A key topic of these programs is pregnancy prevention, which is covered through a combination of health education to promote the effective use of contraception and empowerment to resist pressures to become sexually active before girls are ready.
Caption: A 14-year-old girl carries her 10-month-old baby in Cagayan de Oro, Philippines.
Photo: Jonas Gratzer/LightRocket via Getty Images
A lack of girl-friendly environments
Girls are disproportionately affected by lack of water, sanitation, and hygiene at school, increasing absenteeism and the likelihood that girls will drop out. According to UNICEF, school conditions can range from “inappropriate and inadequate sanitary facilities to the outright lack of latrines and safe water for drinking and hygiene.”
Girls and boys both thrive when given a sanitary and hygienic learning environment, but the lack of sanitation and hygiene facilities in schools has a stronger negative impact on girls, especially once they start menstruating. Having your period at school is much more than an inconvenience when there is no private, clean space to care for your personal hygiene and wash your hands. Girls — and female teachers — need clean, well-maintained, gender-specific sanitation facilities to manage menstruation and daily needs. One in 10 schoolgirls in Africa miss class or drop out because of their period, according to one widely cited UNICEF statistic. In Nepal and Afghanistan, an estimated 30% of girls report missing school because of their periods.
If there is no on-site water access at home, girls may be forced to spend large parts of their day fetching water. Providing water closer to homes increases girls’ free time and boosts their school attendance. However, the expectation that girls will bear the burden of water collection occurs at school, too. Discriminatory attitudes and practices are reinforced when girls are called on for service tasks, like cleaning latrines, hauling water, and garbage disposal.
Caption: A volunteer appointed by the education minister in New Delhi, India, inspected a toilet during a visit to a New Delhi government school on January 8, 2014.
Photo: Raj K Raj/Hindustan Times via Getty Images
Conflict and war
Adolescent girls living in countries affected by conflict are 90% more likely to be out of school than those in peaceful areas. In a 2015 report, UNESCO noted that war and conflict compound girls’ pre-existing disadvantages when it comes to education — girls that are worse off to begin with suffer greater consequences when conflict breaks out. In times of conflict, children may become separated from their parents and girls will be required to take on responsibilities heading their households.
In Syria, five years of civil war has had a devastating effect on school attendance. Before the conflict broke out, an estimated 97% of Syrian children were enrolled in primary school. But by 2013, roughly 45% of the country's 4.8 million children and teens were out of school, UNICEF estimates. In the three years since then, the conflict has only escalated, driving millions to flee their war-torn country. Providing access to education for refugee children has continued to be a challenge. Neighbouring Lebanon is implementing double-shifts at schools to serve as many refugee children as possible. A cease-fire agreement may be the first sign of relief, but the country is far from stable, and it will be an immense challenge to normalise education.
The grave education situation in war-torn countries like Syria has garnered attention from global policymakers. Former U.K. Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who serves as the United Nations Special Envoy for Global Education, has called for a fund to be created that would be committed to education in times of conflict.
Caption: A wounded Syrian girl at a makeshift hospital in the rebel-held area of Douma, east of the capital, Damascus, following shelling and air raids by Syrian government forces on August 22, 2015.
Photo: ABD DOUMANY/AFP
Child marriage
One out of every three girls in the developing world is married before age 18, and one in nine weds by 15. Often, that means school is no longer an option.
Early marriage robs girls of their childhood and endangers their health and personal development. Girls Not Brides, a nonprofit that works to address the issue around the world, describes the harmful impact of marriage on girls who are forced into adulthood too soon: “Child brides are often disempowered, dependent on their husbands, and deprived of their fundamental rights to health, education, and safety. Neither physically nor emotionally ready to become wives and mothers, child brides are at greater risk of experiencing dangerous complications in pregnancy and childbirth, becoming infected with HIV/AIDS and suffering domestic violence. With little access to education and economic opportunities, they and their families are more likely to live in poverty.”
Cecilia Zvosec, a gender, youth, and rights specialist at global advocacy organisation, Women Deliver, describes the causes and effects of early marriage as complex: “influenced by social, cultural and religious norms, poverty and economic incentives, deeply influenced by local context and embedded in systematic discrimination against girls and young women.” In part because of the variety of causes and effects of child marriage, “there is no one-size-fits-all solution to keep more girls in schools and reduce the number of adolescent girls who are married early,” she said.
Prevention is key, which may involve engaging community members to change norms and see the value in delaying marriage. Zvosec cited government-sponsored conditional cash transfer programs that give married girls monetary incentives to delay marriage and stay in school as one effective approach to keep girls in school once they’re married. Young people themselves are also critical actors in the global movement to end child marriage. They are lobbying members of their respective parliaments to introduce policies that raise the age of marriage, and contributing their voices, perspectives, and expertise in spaces like the African Girls' Summit on Ending Child Marriage to forward these advocacy efforts. Increased access to education for girls can help lower the child marriage rate.
The International Center for Research on Women (ICRW) has found that girls with higher levels of schooling are less likely to marry as children. “In Mozambique, some 60% of girls with no education are married by 18, compared to 10% of girls with secondary schooling and less than 1% of girls with higher education,” ICRW said in one report. UNICEF estimates that providing secondary education to all girls in Sub-Saharan Africa and South and West Asia would cause the child marriage rate to fall by nearly two-thirds.
Caption: 15-year-old Nasoin Akhter poses for a video on the day of her wedding to a 32-year-old man in Manikganj, Bangladesh.
Photo: Allison Joyce/Getty Images.
Poverty
Poverty is the greatest barrier to accessing an education. The financial burden of education for those living in poverty includes the direct costs, including school fees, uniforms and shoes, supplies and books, transportation, and the cost of a child being in school instead of helping contribute to the household income. Even if tuition is free, other mandatory fees can add up to approximately £175 per child per year in places like rural Kenya, where the typical household income is just a few hundred dollars per year. If a choice has to be made between sending a boy or a girl to school, the boy will usually be given preference.
Strategies to promote education for girls must consider how to reduce extreme poverty, which causes girls’ education to be given a lower priority by families who are struggling to survive. "We have to be thinking about how to defeat poverty at the same time, because poverty is holding so many of these girls back," Julia Gillard, former prime minister of Australia, said at a #62MillionGirls event in New York City. Interventions that help the poorest girls stay in school include incentive programs, which give subsidies to cover school costs, and school feeding programs, where girls get breakfast and lunch at school.
Caption: An Iraqi girl searches through garbage for recyclable items at a waste dump on the outskirts of the city of Najaf, on February 6.
Photo: HAIDAR HAMDANI/AFP/Getty Images
Gender-based violence
Girls who do pursue an education can become targets of bullying, harassment, and even physical attacks. In some places, girls encounter extreme threats on a daily basis, but they continue to show up despite the risk of physical harm.
One 2015 United Nations report found that gender-based violence at schools is hurting the educational prospects of millions of children worldwide. That includes everything from targeted assaults, such as terrorists poisoning water supplies or throwing acid or hand grenades at girls’ schools in Afghanistan, to incidents of teasing, bullying, psychological intimidation, sexual harassment, and even rape. One South African survey cited that nearly 8% of all female secondary students experienced "severe sexual assault or rape while at school."
"It is clear that (school-related gender-based violence) is creating a dangerous learning environment for children all over the world, especially for adolescent girls,” Irina Bokova, director general of UNESCO, said in a news release. “School should be a safe haven for young people, especially for those in marginalised and conflict-affected countries."
While school should provide a nurturing environment, it can become a girl’s nightmare when violence is perpetuated at school by teachers, figures of authority, or fellow students. Corporal punishment, including physical beatings by teachers, is still prevalent in many areas of the world. These disciplinary tactics play out in different ways for both genders. Girls may be taunted, sexually harassed, or targeted for punishment for not being sufficiently submissive and ‘ladylike.’”
Caption: A classroom in the West Point slum of Monrovia, Liberia on February 9, 2016.
Photo: John Moore/Getty Images
Cultural practices
Traditional, religious, and cultural beliefs can act as barriers to keep girls out of school. In some patriarchal societies where women have traditionally held a lower societal status, girls are restricted by the prevailing view that a woman’s proper place is in the home. In certain places, rituals that signify the transition to womanhood, such as forcing girls to have unprotected sex or female genital mutilation, are physically and emotionally traumatising and may keep girls out of school for prolonged periods or even cause them to drop out.
Gender stereotypes are also harmful. Education may not be valued for girls, or may be seen as irrelevant to or in conflict with accepted roles for women in society. Parents may have limited involvement with girls’ early learning or provide little encouragement to girls in their schooling.
To change norms, parents and communities can be sensitised to the importance of girls’ education and completion of schooling through community dialogue sessions. Village committees and parent-teacher associations can strengthen links between schools and communities and promote community and parental involvement in girls’ education.
Caption: A girl carries water in a village in Togo.
Photo: BSIP/UIG via Getty Images
Disabilities
According to the U.K.’s Department for International Development, 80% of the 1 billion people with a disability live in developing countries. Children with disabilities are unlikely to ever enter a classroom in many areas of the world, even if they are willing and able to learn. They face physical barriers, stigma, and inadequate policies that prevent them from participating in their communities and achieving their potential. Girls with disabilities are at particular risk, since they are subject to double discrimination: disadvantage for being female and exclusion for having a disability.
In school and on the way to school, disabled girls face immense physical barriers. Children may walk for miles to go to school in rural areas on unpaved or uneven terrain. If a girl has an impairment, this journey can be dangerous or even impossible. Once the girl gets to school, the facilities may not be accessible. Schools may not be able to provide adequate assistive devices and learning materials, such as braille kits, hearing aids, reading glasses, and wheelchairs to those who need them.
Girls with disabilities face massive social stigma at home and in their communities — many are marginalised and shunned, preventing them from integrating with their families and peers.
In places with very limited resources, education policy may overlook the needs of disabled children and the particular needs of disabled girls, who are among the most vulnerable and forgotten groups.
When parents have knowledge of every child’s right to education, the importance of educating girls, and the rights of people with disabilities, parents become champions for their daughters to receive an education. Dialogue about inclusion, integration, and accommodation can break down barriers by improving school accessibility and national education policies.
Caption: A disabled girl at the Clair Bois-Chambesy school and home in Switzerland.
Photo: BSIP/UIG via Getty Images
What you can do to help
Women today have more opportunities and greater presence in classrooms and boardrooms than ever before. But much work remains to be done to ensure that girls everywhere get a safe, quality education so that they can pursue their dreams.
Not only is education a fundamental human right, but educating girls is one of the smartest investments that can be made for transforming communities and economies. Educating a girl unlocks her full potential, and creates a ripple effect of opportunity that influences her family, her community, and generations to come — altering the trajectory of opportunity and breaking the intergenerational cycle of poverty.
The U.N. Sustainable Development Goals include a bold call to action for inclusive and quality education for all, with a target of eliminating gender disparities in education by 2030. To learn more about how you can help 62 million girls in schools around the world, check out these organisations:
